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Old 12-29-2013, 09:04 PM
 
Location: Wherever I happen to be at the moment
1,229 posts, read 1,087,231 times
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My parents were both cremated and their ashes scattered at sea with no notice, no service of any kind no family attendance and that was that. It also left somewhat of a hole for me but that's what they wanted and arranged for.

I will be cremated and my ashes buried in a veteran's cemetery. I do not require nor really even want a full, military ceremony unless my children wish it but since they all live far away they may not even make the trip and that's fine with me.
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Old 12-30-2013, 12:53 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
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My husband wanted no service, no obituary, nothing. Just cremation and scattering of his ashes. He put that directive in his will dated in 1997. He died very suddenly and without warning in 2009 at age 59. Because he was extremely well known in our small town, people started calling the minute they heard, and asked about his service. Even though he didn't want one, I felt I owed it to his clients and constituents to give them a way to pay their respects. We had an informal celebration of life, which was very disorganized, and he was cremated. I had the urn, and four years later (this past September), finally scattered his ashes as he wished.
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Old 12-30-2013, 06:49 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,702,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FriedAzzro View Post
I had a 98 year old great uncle who passed away 2 months ago and he had left a personal will stating his wishes. He didn't want any kind of funeral, religious or not.

His body was picked up by the mortuary and he was cremated the same day without anyone present, according to his wishes. His ashes were buried in his wife's grave with a few relatives present.

I think this is a great solution for someone that is an atheist like me and I think I would like the same.
The problem with this is that funerals are for the living not the dead.

I can't say I enjoyed attending my mother's funeral but it gave me closure. It gave me support at a time when I desperately needed it. I was touched by the sheer number of lives she had touched. While I will not care what is done with my body when I die, I know that my mom's funeral did a lot to help me through a very tough time.

Funerals are not easy but they give the living closure and support. I don't know how I'll handle it when dh dies. He wants a cremation without ceremony. I suppose I'll call his sister and say "Dh's dead" and that will be the end of it. My kids will never see the lives their father touched because there won't be a funeral to attend. I swear death in dh's family is like going on vacation. It's announced and handled with less emotion than someone would show regarding someone going on cruise.

Not knowing where his ashes are will be hard for me. He doesn't want them interred and I'm not keeping them on the mantle so I guess he gets turned into fertilizer somewhere on a farm.

As someone who grew up in a family that does the whole three day visitation and mile long funeral procession to the final resting place, it seems cold to me to not give the living closure. To act as if your passing hasn't left a gapping hole in the souls of others. My mother's funeral was a place/time for all of us who were hurting from her passing to hold each other. I'm not quite sure how this will work when dh dies. I guess it's make a phone call and business as usual as if his life never counted. It will be hard for me because that isn't how my family grieves. I guess I'll just say to the kids "Oh well, dad's dead....What's on TV?". IMO dh's wishes are selfish because they do not consider those he is leaving behind. Funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living.

Dh and I are so at odds on this one that my brother has been tasked with seeing to my final arrangements. If dh doesn't want to attend my funeral, so beit but I will have one so my kids have closure. My brother will see to it. Dh's body will just be picked up at the hospital and never heard of again. I would say to each his own except funerals aren't about the one who died. They're about the ones left behind.

I won't hold a funeral anyway because dh's family would not come and I think that would be harder on the kids than no funeral at all. To sit there wondering why no one cared enough about us to even come and offer a hug would be very difficult indeed. My family will look down on dh not attending my funeral but they'll take care of my kids in their father's absence.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 12-30-2013 at 07:10 AM..
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Old 12-30-2013, 06:57 AM
 
Location: Southern NC
1,917 posts, read 4,225,024 times
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My family knows and agrees that there will be no funeral.
I will be cremated and some of my ashes scattered in the nearest ocean.
My daughters can keep some of my cremains if they wish.
We are a family of atheists, so the tradition of the funeral service is creepy to us.
Families can get their closure without gathering around a dead body or standing beside a grave.
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Old 12-30-2013, 07:33 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,702,140 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
My husband wanted no service, no obituary, nothing. Just cremation and scattering of his ashes. He put that directive in his will dated in 1997. He died very suddenly and without warning in 2009 at age 59. Because he was extremely well known in our small town, people started calling the minute they heard, and asked about his service. Even though he didn't want one, I felt I owed it to his clients and constituents to give them a way to pay their respects. We had an informal celebration of life, which was very disorganized, and he was cremated. I had the urn, and four years later (this past September), finally scattered his ashes as he wished.
I think you did the right thing. This is a decision that should be left up to the living because funerals are for the living and it sounds like the living wanted a chance to grieve and support you in your time of loss. I hope that kind of support is there for my kids when I die. It would be nice if I could count on their father to provide it but I know I can't. I expect he won't even attend the service.

I remember telling my boss that my father in law had died and the shocked look on his face when he asked how much time I'd need off to travel and I told him none because dh's family doesn't do funerals. Dh and I just both went to work that day. It was like nothing had changed. Life didn't skip a beat. It'll be the same way when my MIL dies. I don't get it. In my world life is to be celebrated, death mourned and the immediately family to be comforted.

Last edited by Ivorytickler; 12-30-2013 at 07:43 AM..
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Old 12-30-2013, 07:48 AM
 
Location: Verde Valley AZ
8,219 posts, read 9,097,318 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FriedAzzro View Post
I had a 98 year old great uncle who passed away 2 months ago and he had left a personal will stating his wishes. He didn't want any kind of funeral, religious or not.

His body was picked up by the mortuary and he was cremated the same day without anyone present, according to his wishes. His ashes were buried in his wife's grave with a few relatives present.

I think this is a great solution for someone that is an atheist like me and I think I would like the same.
I am of the same thoughts. When I told my dad I didn't want a funeral, or even an obit in the paper, he got upset with me telling me that the funeral wasn't for ME but for the ones I leave behind. My thinking is if they can't be bothered coming to see me, call me or send me flowers when I'm alive I sure don't need it when I'm dead! I will be cremated and the ashes buried at the foot of my little sister's grave with NO fanfare. I don't think many people will miss me, or even care, once I'm gone. They don't care much now so I'm sure I'll be a short memory. I'm Christian but it's okay with me to skip all the 'pomp and circumstance' of a funeral. I don't care now and certainly won't care then!
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:12 AM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cablejockey View Post
I can see why some would want to forego a big splashy funeral, but, this seems so cold. Its as if nobody got to say goodbye.
I not an atheist however I do not want any funeral either. Cremation, no viewing or service. I feel if you can't find the time to see me when I'm alive why bother when I'm dead. Children will take our ashes to Maui and enjoy a vacation instead of a funeral.
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Old 12-30-2013, 08:53 AM
 
3,442 posts, read 4,470,936 times
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Evidently the response on this thread are certainly not representative of views of the public as a whole.

If it was, there would hardly be any obituaries in newspapers, hardly be any funerals, and most funeral homes would be out of business.
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Old 12-30-2013, 09:33 AM
 
459 posts, read 520,314 times
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Default Wondered about this very thing recently...

... because several of my classmates have passed away this past year and had long obituaries with flowery language, etc. I don't blame a family for having this publicized if there are sincerely many outstanding contributions a person made during their life. I don't feel that I have anything out of the ordinary to share with the public and wondered if all of this could just be avoided. Just managed to get by in life! I suppose I agree with people who have said if my friends didn't care enough to come to see me, send a card, telephone, or seemingly give a care to stay in touch while I'm alive, I don't see why my only daughter should go to the expense and bother of a funeral. Most of my (small) family are dead now, anyway.

A friend and I had a similar conversation after we went to a classmate's funeral a couple of years ago--she said she was afraid no one would come to her funeral and it would be embarrassing to her children and grandchildren (she has always been a little morbid, as well as very concerned about what others thought of her). I tried to make a joke and said I'd come even if I had to come in a walker or wheelchair with a seeing-eye dog, but she was seriously worried about the whole thing. I'm glad there are others who don't see the need.
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Old 12-30-2013, 10:19 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
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My husband made me promise not to wake him or have a funeral. He was horrified that I went against Dad's wishes and had a wake and funeral for him (me). It WAS for me. I needed my cousins and friends to comfort ME. It all turned out well for Earl, the VA took 6 months to approve his papers so that initial shock was way over and I managed by myself. I can look back and see myself sitting there listening to Taps being played all by my onesie. Must've been a pitiful sight but I made it through it.

Yes, funerals are for the living. I'm glad I gave my Dad one, for my closure and glad Earl got his way despite what I would have wanted.
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