U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-30-2013, 10:59 AM
 
8,440 posts, read 10,714,664 times
Reputation: 6201

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
My husband wanted no service, no obituary, nothing. Just cremation and scattering of his ashes. He put that directive in his will dated in 1997. He died very suddenly and without warning in 2009 at age 59. Because he was extremely well known in our small town, people started calling the minute they heard, and asked about his service. Even though he didn't want one, I felt I owed it to his clients and constituents to give them a way to pay their respects. We had an informal celebration of life, which was very disorganized, and he was cremated. I had the urn, and four years later (this past September), finally scattered his ashes as he wished.
Marcy,

Having lived through the decisions of others who mandated much of what Bob requested, I admire you for making the decision you did. I respect you understanding others were hurting. I don't know if Bob thought of that aspect when making his wishes known.

Some have had professions and careers where too many people were helped by the one suddenly gone. Those people, let alone colleagues and others who worked or volunteered etc. with the person who died need to be able to say good-bye and share their grief with others.

Thank you for your post.

MSR
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-30-2013, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
11,042 posts, read 11,455,634 times
Reputation: 17204
I know there's no life after death, but I have consideration for the grief of the people I leave behind. I have left instructions that my ashes be divided and distributed in small collector quality boxes to any friends or family who want them, asking that they spread them at places that they feel were special to the two of us. I have even bought the boxes, so nobody has to scramble around looking for them. If they want to have a party, I have no objection. I have had a great life, well worth celebrating.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2013, 03:04 PM
 
Location: A place that's too cold
4,077 posts, read 4,048,407 times
Reputation: 10057
My husband (he is my 2nd husband, not my sons' father) and I have moved around a LOT in the 6 years we have been together. So we have a lot of acquaintances/friends scattered around the country, and both of our families are scattered and far away. I feel like it would be chaotic to try to have a funeral for me, wherever we end up living when I die. I don't want my kids and friends to feel like they have to get on a plane and book a hotel and come to who-knows-where to sit through a funeral service, and I don't want my husband to have to plan a service and deal with everyone's traveling in.

I used to say I wanted a fun party after I died, a "celebration of life" kind of thing. But then I saw the Private Practice episode, where Violet's husband had died. He wanted a fun party, rather than a sad funeral, so she tried to accommodate his wishes. But in reality, the guests were grieving in" occasion. Violet ended up angry at her husband for putting her through that.

So for a while I've said I just want to be cremated, ashes can go anywhere hub chooses. But then in this thread, a previous poster mentioned donating their body to medical science, which is a fabulous idea. Can't believe that never occurred to me, considering I work in a medical field. I've been googling how to arrange that, and am strongly considering it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-31-2013, 04:16 PM
 
5,706 posts, read 12,818,347 times
Reputation: 9008
Although I also have had a interesting life with many friends from various periods of it, I don't feel the need to have an obituary which mentions all the positions I have held, volunteer work I have done, or any of the accolades received. My small family are the ones who although they will grieve, also will celebrate my life the way I preferred. Fly first class to Maui and spread my ashes. They will laugh at the times we shared, remember the funny things that happened and take care of my affairs and enjoy a great vacation in Maui where I spent a lot of time. They will read the letters I have written to them and know how much I loved them and ask them to laugh, not grieve.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-31-2013, 11:25 PM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,907,081 times
Reputation: 24725
I don't want anything done and being cremated privately, with just immediate family, is all I want.
Now, as far as everyone else goes (coworkers, clients, etc...assuming there is anyone else!!) I'd have no problem with my survivors doing whatever they wanted, but I would hope it would be for their sake and to give them comfort rather than out of a sense of social obligation. Nobody needs that.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-31-2013, 11:29 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,802,296 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by FriedAzzro View Post
I had a 98 year old great uncle who passed away 2 months ago and he had left a personal will stating his wishes. He didn't want any kind of funeral, religious or not.

His body was picked up by the mortuary and he was cremated the same day without anyone present, according to his wishes. His ashes were buried in his wife's grave with a few relatives present.

I think this is a great solution for someone that is an atheist like me and I think I would like the same.

It is right for those who choose this and it is not a requirement to be an Atheist.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2014, 12:28 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,739,165 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
Although I also have had a interesting life with many friends from various periods of it, I don't feel the need to have an obituary which mentions all the positions I have held, volunteer work I have done, or any of the accolades received. My small family are the ones who although they will grieve, also will celebrate my life the way I preferred. Fly first class to Maui and spread my ashes. They will laugh at the times we shared, remember the funny things that happened and take care of my affairs and enjoy a great vacation in Maui where I spent a lot of time. They will read the letters I have written to them and know how much I loved them and ask them to laugh, not grieve.
We scattered half of my husband, Bob's, ashes on property I still own next to our old house, and that's where I want half my ashes to be scattered. The other halves of our ashes are to be scattered in the channel south of the Kaupo Store on Maui between Maui and the Big Island. We had our best times in Hawai'i, and it's where he and our youngest son loved to SCUBA dive, so I think that will be fitting.

I have never had many close friends, just one or two at a time, so I can't see anyone going to any service for me, so I, too, have requested no service and no obituary. Just family together in Colorado and then in Maui on my dime.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2014, 01:07 AM
 
2,563 posts, read 2,590,650 times
Reputation: 3465
Yes, the whole funeral business is nothing more than a scam.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2014, 08:12 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
Reputation: 22270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teddy52 View Post
Evidently the response on this thread are certainly not representative of views of the public as a whole.

If it was, there would hardly be any obituaries in newspapers, hardly be any funerals, and most funeral homes would be out of business.
I am not sure, Teddy.

I realized when I was in nursing home administration that many people do not want a ceremony or want it to be a quiet affair (graveside meditation only) but it is often the families who over-ride their preferences.

I have noticed over the years that it sometimes happens that the family feels intimidated by others around them not to follow through with what the deceased wanted, so they end up with a full funeral -- despite their loved one specifically stating he/she did not want that.

So I am not sure. It would surely seem that folks who don't want a funeral are in the minority but I am wondering if what we are seeing as far as funerals is really what the deceased wanted.

And of course, many people never put these things in writing . . . and I have always been surprised how many folks never even discuss what they want to happen after they die.

You may be right and only a small minority of folks don't want a funeral but I have a feeling what we see happening in society may not be representative of what folks actually wanted. Interesting question, though, and I do wonder about it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2014, 08:19 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,253,264 times
Reputation: 22270
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellwood View Post
Although I also have had a interesting life with many friends from various periods of it, I don't feel the need to have an obituary which mentions all the positions I have held, volunteer work I have done, or any of the accolades received. My small family are the ones who although they will grieve, also will celebrate my life the way I preferred. Fly first class to Maui and spread my ashes. They will laugh at the times we shared, remember the funny things that happened and take care of my affairs and enjoy a great vacation in Maui where I spent a lot of time. They will read the letters I have written to them and know how much I loved them and ask them to laugh, not grieve.
This is how my husband feels. He does not want the obit with all the work history, volunteerism, awards, education, etc. Where I live, people in the community often are left scratching their heads and wondering why the family "didn't care enough" to write a "really good obituary." They consider not doing that disrespectful. It is more or less looked at as part of a "memorial" to the deceased.

Some of us simply do not want that. It feels intrusive and gratuituous to have that sort of thing about myself distributed (not my business what others do - I understand if they feel it is part of the memorial - just not my thing).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top