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Old 01-03-2014, 10:10 PM
 
Location: Mayacama Mtns in CA
14,523 posts, read 7,362,884 times
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Staywarm, I think you're getting some very good advice here. Just try to find out what she needs & wants, and be there for her, for those things. When my daughter died I appreciated so much those who stayed in touch beyond the "duty calls" ....it becomes very clear quite soon just who are sincerely wanting to be helpful.

My thought is that it's probably better to err on the side of offering too much rather than too little. She will let you know.

I remember coming to treasure those few whom I knew I could trust with the reality of how bad it was during that first year. Actually, looking back now, I see that I was quite deeply in shock over her loss for 3+ years.

I also had the thought that perhaps because you are an acquaintance and not a close friend, that you could be of real help and support. Sometimes the closest friends find themselves unable to be of much help, for a variety of reasons, and actually the casualness of your relationship with her could be a benefit for her.
And if she's not so inclined, it'll be easier for her to say no, than saying it to one of her closer friends.
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Old 01-04-2014, 11:25 AM
 
5,643 posts, read 6,456,872 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Macrina View Post
Staywarm, I think you're getting some very good advice here. Just try to find out what she needs & wants, and be there for her, for those things. When my daughter died I appreciated so much those who stayed in touch beyond the "duty calls" ....it becomes very clear quite soon just who are sincerely wanting to be helpful.

My thought is that it's probably better to err on the side of offering too much rather than too little. She will let you know.

I remember coming to treasure those few whom I knew I could trust with the reality of how bad it was during that first year. Actually, looking back now, I see that I was quite deeply in shock over her loss for 3+ years.

I also had the thought that perhaps because you are an acquaintance and not a close friend, that you could be of real help and support. Sometimes the closest friends find themselves unable to be of much help, for a variety of reasons, and actually the casualness of your relationship with her could be a benefit for her.
And if she's not so inclined, it'll be easier for her to say no, than saying it to one of her closer friends.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter.

Thank you for your advice. I e-mailed her last night, so we'll see what she answers. I had heard she hadn't been going out. Maybe she'll say yes. I'll keep every one posted.
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Old 01-04-2014, 05:33 PM
 
6,307 posts, read 7,131,258 times
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Staywarm,

As someone who is in her position, I have to tell you that anything positive is SO incredible.

Ask her to lunch. If she says no, I would suggest to keep in touch. Whatever positive words you can give to her is a blessing.

Respect her boundaries, but also be there for her. It's not easy, but I'm sure it will he appreciated.
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Old 01-05-2014, 08:36 AM
 
5,643 posts, read 6,456,872 times
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She replied last night and said that she wasn't ready now, but maybe sometime later she'd like to go out to lunch with me. I'll keep in touch with her and hope she changes her mind in the future. I do think, however, that my contact with her was appreciated and perhaps helped a little.
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Old 01-05-2014, 03:50 PM
 
133 posts, read 273,208 times
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Staywarm, you did the right thing, kudos to you.
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Old 01-07-2014, 10:14 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,515,249 times
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I'd echo what everyone else has said and emphasize "listen" to her. When you go out for lunch, ask her to tell you about her husband. Then listen. She needs that more than anything.

Thank you for seeing the need and offering your time.
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Old 01-12-2014, 08:38 AM
 
5,643 posts, read 6,456,872 times
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Update...

It turns out 2 other women from our class were also in touch with her wanting to go to lunch. I think it has worked because she chose to have lunch with all 3 of us. She even sent out an e-mail to all of us and suggested the place and time. Also, she is joining a bereavement group, which should give her lots of support. I'm feeling much better about her. I know she probably has many dark days ahead of her, but I think she's making some progress.

Thanks to everyone for your advice!
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Old 01-12-2014, 11:35 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,432 posts, read 18,144,759 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staywarm2 View Post
Update...

It turns out 2 other women from our class were also in touch with her wanting to go to lunch. I think it has worked because she chose to have lunch with all 3 of us. She even sent out an e-mail to all of us and suggested the place and time. Also, she is joining a bereavement group, which should give her lots of support. I'm feeling much better about her. I know she probably has many dark days ahead of her, but I think she's making some progress.

Thanks to everyone for your advice!
That is such good news, staywarm! I'm very happy for this lady and so proud of you for wanting to help this lady. We need more people like you and those other two ladies.
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Old 07-11-2016, 04:46 PM
 
779 posts, read 2,964,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jude1948 View Post
In just a short time I have made friends with several widows. We met at a bereavement group at church. We go to movies, lunches etc. Just ask her…hope it works out for you.
Wonderful! That is exactly what this group does! https://www.facebook.com/StandintheG...unityforWidows
(Right now they have a survey on there that widows can fill out. The Univ. of Oklahoma is going to tabulate the results, in order to educate others on what widows need.)

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Old 07-11-2016, 04:47 PM
 
779 posts, read 2,964,443 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JC84 View Post
I wish I had more people check in on me, I really needed it. Most of my friends really backed away, or assumed others were taking care of me. I know they were uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. The people I appreciate most we're the acquaintances who came out of the woodwork to help...... Don't be afraid to help, because I'm sure she needs a lot of it right now, and all too often, people you would think would be there for you, aren't.


Quote:
Originally Posted by fuzzy View Post
My sister became a widow in October, she had some very tough dates to get through, first Thanksgiving, then his birthday and Christmas in December, and now what would have been their 50th wedding anniversary the end of January. She says what helps her is having something to do, going out to lunch, visiting friends and family etc, give this woman a call and just listen to her, that maybe all she needs.
I think these are all excellent for anyone who wishes to help someone who is going through it. More good info is on here: https://tulsage.wordpress.com/widows-and-widowers/
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