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Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. That does not mean ignore the topic but rather visit with them and let them talk - just be supportive and intently listen to what they have to say. You can ask them if they want to talk about the death but please don't start dwelling on it, take your cues from them.
One thing I always ask people after a funeral is to follow-up with the family 10 days to 2 weeks after the funeral. Most people are there in the days immediately following the death, and right after the funeral, but 2 weeks later everyone has gone home and moved on, and the family left behind is experiencing a huge void. That is when they most need friends to be there for me, listen and let them know they are not alone.
Part of my pastoral follow-up is always a call 2 weeks later, and then again 2 to 4 weeks later, depending on the family and the situation. Those calls and visits are usually far more meaningful than right after the death when people are too busy planning a funeral etc. than thinking about themselves.
Thanks for writing and caring...My husband developed pancreatic cancer. My younger son battled fast-growing cancerous brain tumors. And my older son developed (other) health problems that lead to a heart condition...Everyone seemed "fine" earlier in life. My younger son had a non-cancerous brain tumor when he was 22 that caused some complications but he did great for 15 years or so. (With no problems.)...My husband and older son always seemed like the "picture of health."..There was no indication or warning that everyone was going to get sick and die so young. (All in a row!).. It's been a "shocker." And I know it's going to take time to work through my grief.
I initially started reading this thread because I thought the topic, how to help someone who is grieving, was something I could learn from. Most people would do well to learn how to truly help others who are going through the loss of a loved one.
But CArizona, I must say that your post has left me stunned. I am so terribly sorry for such an unimaginable loss. I do hope you are surrounded by family and friends who can give you the love and support you need. I also hope that the concern of this stranger here on an internet forum can somehow bring you at least a moment's peace and encouragement.
I agree that just asking how you are helps especially if you mean it.
CArizona.. The one thing that helped was an online support group. Everyone was there for the same reason and understand that you are still crying or that you are mad because you are now alone.
I know Sam I AM and I both lobbied hard to get this forum hoping we could help and be helped
This is such a thoughtful thread. It is so difficult to know what to say - I think people don't ask, stay away, don't mention because they are afraid of evoking the emotion and pain - thinking that out of sight = out of mind. That clearly is not so, but it doesn't make it easier. I think the closer you are to someone - the easier it is to do be truly there to help them work through grief.
Last edited by StilltheSame; 01-18-2014 at 05:53 PM..
Reason: Spelling and punctuation matter.
this sounds blunt & could only come from a good friend. "you're not the lst one to lose your spouse". Was told this a couple months into widowhood not the most soothing statement, but probably the most helpful one
I had some really awful things said to me when my husband was killed suddenly. I have to admit, I survived by 2 glasses of wine and an antihistamine to sleep. I agree to follow up within 2 weeks after, because everyone was here for the funeral, but then everybody disappeared and I didn't know what to do. When Dad died suddenly, I had my kids to grieve with me, since we were so far away from family after the funeral. It took me awhile, but just being available to be an ear and shoulder means so, so much.
This is such a thoughtful thread. It is so difficult to know what to say - I think people don't ask, stay away, don't mention because they are afraid of evoking the emotion and pain - thinking that out of sight = out of mind. That clearly is not so, but it doesn't make it easier. I think the closer you are to someone - the easier it is to do be truly there to help them work through grief.
Very helpful knowing why people don't know what to say or do. It's because they don't want to evoke the pain. Rev suggesting a visit about 2 weeks later when everyone is gone is also a good thought.
I'm thinking that another good idea might be to bring a few home made freezer meals. Sometimes people just want to sit and think and forget to eat.
I initially started reading this thread because I thought the topic, how to help someone who is grieving, was something I could learn from. Most people would do well to learn how to truly help others who are going through the loss of a loved one.
But CArizona, I must say that your post has left me stunned. I am so terribly sorry for such an unimaginable loss. I do hope you are surrounded by family and friends who can give you the love and support you need. I also hope that the concern of this stranger here on an internet forum can somehow bring you at least a moment's peace and encouragement.
Thanks...I'm still doing "day-by-day." Try to remember to pat myself on the back for all the "baby steps" I take along the way...I think I entered (what I call) the "face reality" stage sometime during the holidays. And I'm still in this stage now...I think this is the pathway to "acceptance" but I know I still have a long way to go before I get "there.".. I went through one loss right after another and ended up losing everyone. So it's unrealistic to expect my grief to go away overnight.
Very helpful knowing why people don't know what to say or do. It's because they don't want to evoke the pain. Rev suggesting a visit about 2 weeks later when everyone is gone is also a good thought.
I'm thinking that another good idea might be to bring a few home made freezer meals. Sometimes people just want to sit and think and forget to eat.
Right on! Great idea to bring freezer meals or casseroles, etc. I sure get tired of eating my own food night after night. (Even though I'm a fairly decent cook.)...When my husband was alive, we took turns cooking. And now, it's just me...A friend shared some of her homemade soup with me the other day and it sure perked me up and made me feel loved!
I agree that just asking how you are helps especially if you mean it.
CArizona.. The one thing that helped was an online support group. Everyone was there for the same reason and understand that you are still crying or that you are mad because you are now alone.
I know Sam I AM and I both lobbied hard to get this forum hoping we could help and be helped
Keeper..Thanks to you and Sam I Am for starting this forum and seeing a "need" for it...I thought about joining one of the grief support groups in my local area. It seemed like a good idea at first but I decided to put it off for now...Maybe I'll just do more posting here. I haven't been as active lately.
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