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Old 01-14-2014, 05:56 PM
 
Location: Wartrace,TN
5,270 posts, read 8,216,301 times
Reputation: 10372

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My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.

I want to let him know it.

Any ideas on "the last visit"? He is 85 years old and has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. He has been recommended to hospice care so time is short.

It kills me that I am so far away.
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Old 01-14-2014, 07:46 PM
 
Location: Georgia, USA
21,482 posts, read 26,078,274 times
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Something tells me your Dad knows you love him whether you are 800 miles from him or 8 feet away.

If you have not told him he is the best father and how much you respect him and are thankful for him, do it.

At the very end, he will probably not know who is there. He will be grateful for your presence when he is still able to be comforted by it.

I know it is not the same thing, but you might want to arrange to visit via something like Skype or FaceTime. You could call him frequently and let him know you think about him even if you are not there.

Take care of yourself, too.

Suzy
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:08 PM
 
Location: Wartrace,TN
5,270 posts, read 8,216,301 times
Reputation: 10372
Quote:
Originally Posted by suzy_q2010 View Post
Something tells me your Dad knows you love him whether you are 800 miles from him or 8 feet away.

If you have not told him he is the best father and how much you respect him and are thankful for him, do it.

At the very end, he will probably not know who is there. He will be grateful for your presence when he is still able to be comforted by it.

I know it is not the same thing, but you might want to arrange to visit via something like Skype or FaceTime. You could call him frequently and let him know you think about him even if you are not there.

Take care of yourself, too.

Suzy
Thank you Suzy.
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:13 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,790,060 times
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You cannot really prepare for these things and when you get there every scenario you have thought about will not exist.
Go visit your Father and do what comes naturally when you are there.
I sympathize with your situation and I wish you the best visit you can possibly have.
I also wish you safe travels and do one thing for sure before you leave, have someone take a photo of you and your Father. You may not be able to look at it for a long time however, you will treasure it tremendously.
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Old 01-14-2014, 08:23 PM
 
37,998 posts, read 18,937,843 times
Reputation: 12082
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wartrace View Post
My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.

I want to let him know it.

Any ideas on "the last visit"? He is 85 years old and has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. He has been recommended to hospice care so time is short.

It kills me that I am so far away.
How long will you get to stay when you go to visit?

I also really like the idea of FaceTime and Skype as much as possible when you can't be there. The more you talk the more natural it will be. I lost my dad years ago and when he died it was devastating for me. So much unsaid. Now is the time to talk and talk and talk to him. Go see him as soon as possible. Everything else can wait. You won't regret it.
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Old 01-15-2014, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Texas
1,029 posts, read 1,154,809 times
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Yes, please get a picture taken with your father. I have a snapshot of my father, my sister, and me in his hospice room about a week before he died. He insisted on sitting in a chair so he'd look more dignified. It is, honestly, an awful picture - we all look haggard and worn, but I am so grateful to have it.

My dad didn't really want "all that maudlin bs, because I'm not dead yet". For most of my visit, we just talked. About movies and books and the weather... and after 15 or 20 minutes he'd be tired and nap or just want to rest on the couch and watch tv. (The closer he is to death, the less "visiting" time you will have.)

I made sure in that last week that he knew that I loved him, that I appreciated him and had no grudges or resentments, and that I was PROUD of him for how he fought his cancer and continued to live with dignity. I also let him know that it was okay to stop fighting whenever he was ready.

He made me promise that I would do my best to see that my children (at that time, aged 1 and 4) graduate from college and that I would occasionally remind them of how much he loved them. You know what's important to your dad - make sure he knows you'll do your best to live up to that.

On my mom's last visit with her mother, she made sure to tickle her mom's toes right before she left, because she wanted to remember her mom with a smile on her face.

Keep in close contact with the hospice nurses, or whoever is coordinating with them. Dad's hospice nurse predicted his death within in a day or two (although she didn't share that knowledge with him). Family members are often more optimistic than they should be about the condition.

I'm so sorry for you and your family.
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Old 01-15-2014, 01:35 PM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wartrace View Post
My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.

I want to let him know it.....
That's what you say.

I regret your impending loss. When you have had a good relationship, as you have had, that final visit, in my experience, in the longer view is like putting the cork in a very excellent bottle of wine.
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Old 01-15-2014, 03:41 PM
 
Location: WY
4,908 posts, read 3,485,331 times
Reputation: 5380
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wartrace View Post
My Dad has about 2 to 3 months left. (estimate) I live 800 miles away and am not financially able to get there more than once. I am wondering how to say goodbye. He is the best father a guy could have had, I have nothing but respect and thankfulness that he is MY father.

I want to let him know it.

Any ideas on "the last visit"? He is 85 years old and has prostate cancer that has spread to his spine and lymph nodes. He has been recommended to hospice care so time is short.

It kills me that I am so far away.
Wartrace, we have never met but my husband and I have a house in Tullahoma. When we were back in Tennessee a couple of years ago we visited Wartrace in early January and played tourist, because neither of us had ever visited the town. At that time of year it was a very quiet, very sweet little town and on a freezing cold day we had a wonderful time wandering around and taking pictures. I especially remember having a great conversation with the owner of the Dixie Flyer. Whenever I see a post from you around the board I think about our wonderful walk on a freezing cold winter day.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you that others haven't already provided. You're his son. You love him. You'll know what to do.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, and I am very very sorry for the pain that you are going through.
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Old 01-15-2014, 04:11 PM
 
Location: Wartrace,TN
5,270 posts, read 8,216,301 times
Reputation: 10372
Quote:
Originally Posted by juneaubound View Post
Wartrace, we have never met but my husband and I have a house in Tullahoma. When we were back in Tennessee a couple of years ago we visited Wartrace in early January and played tourist, because neither of us had ever visited the town. At that time of year it was a very quiet, very sweet little town and on a freezing cold day we had a wonderful time wandering around and taking pictures. I especially remember having a great conversation with the owner of the Dixie Flyer. Whenever I see a post from you around the board I think about our wonderful walk on a freezing cold winter day.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you that others haven't already provided. You're his son. You love him. You'll know what to do.

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you, and I am very very sorry for the pain that you are going through.
Thanks for the kind words juneaubound.

BTW- It is quiet in Wartrace year round. (except during the once a year "yard sale"). I'm glad you had a chance to visit our town.
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Old 01-15-2014, 04:18 PM
 
Location: WY
4,908 posts, read 3,485,331 times
Reputation: 5380
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wartrace View Post
Thanks for the kind words juneaubound.

BTW- It is quiet in Wartrace year round. (except during the once a year "yard sale"). I'm glad you had a chance to visit our town.
Yeah, considering that it was so close to where we lived, I'm embarassed to say that that was the one and only time we made it to Wartrace. Just never had a reason to go there, but on a cold winter day we impulsively decided to go check it out. Glad we did.

Best,
JB
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