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Old 03-02-2014, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Fairbanks, AK
1,745 posts, read 2,272,823 times
Reputation: 1855

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My husband has been gone for almost 2.5 years. I'm 47. She is 12. We also have a 15 year old son. I've gone out a few time on actual dates but I can admit that my heart was not in it at all. This is not the first time she has brought it up. We discussed it and I told her that my heart was not in to meeting someone else yet and may not ever be. But she wants someone else in our lives. Should I try harder? Should I go out with more people with the hopes that someone will turn on that switch? I feel a bit silly even asking this question because I know, no. I'm not ready and it's ok for me to move at my own speed, etc. But my daughter does deserve to have someone else in her life, right? My son doesn't care either way. I do try to do all the things dads do with their daughters, fishing, camping, etc. I try to show her what a strong, independent woman looks like and that it is ok to not have a man in our lives. I do think she gets that. But yet, when I go out with my girl friends she asks if there was anyone there that I thought was cute. Anyways, guess I just think to get some discussion with anyone who has been through this and has thoughts on it. I guess I am lucky that I have such a sweet, caring daughter that doesn't want me to be lonely. We have talked about the difference between being alone and being lonely. I know I was sad for a friend who was also a widow that her two daughters threw a fit when she got a boyfriend and made things very difficult for them.
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Old 03-02-2014, 02:25 PM
 
Location: California
29,580 posts, read 31,900,225 times
Reputation: 24725
I am not a widow but a divorcee so my background is different. However, no I don't think you should try harder just so your daughter has someone else in her life. Your romantic life is for YOU, not your kids. My daughter is 27 and she suggested I date too but I said if it happens it happens and she understands that, being a single gal by choice herself. My MOM is another story though. She can't imagine me being single for the rest of my life because her and my dad are in their 80's and married 60+ years. She really thinks anyone is better than no one.

I think people can make serious mistakes when they try do things for other people.
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Old 03-02-2014, 03:21 PM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,388,330 times
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I agree totally with everything in Ceece's post...and I'm a person who's been widowed since my 30's.

If you're not ready, you're not ready, and there's NOTHING wrong with that. It is most unfortunate that your husband (and your daughter's father) has passed away, but you do not owe her a new father, to the detriment of your own happiness.

Keep up the good work with your kids, and date when you're ready...if ever. If your daughter keeps asking why you're not dating, tell her you're not ready...and it will be the truth. Good luck!
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Old 03-02-2014, 03:51 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,103 posts, read 17,634,355 times
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I was a young widow at 36 . I tried dating but could not do it until the kids were out of the house so as a result I stayed single for 9 years . It is okay to stay single if you are not at all ready and from what i m reading it does not sound like you are ready yet and maybe your daughter needs to hear that you are not ready to date yet . Kids need to hear that . I know mine were out of the house before I started dating again and I did eventually remarry but the kids were already grown by then and it was okay with them . Yes dont remarry for someone else sake including your mother . No im sorry your mom is wrong someone is not better than no one , because that someone could be an alchoholic , an abuser , a druggie etc you get my point and maybe you should have a conversation with your mother about that as well . Yes you dont owe your daughter a father she had a father but he passed away and that is life and life goes on for those left behind so please be very selective about whom you date as well .
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:46 PM
 
2,321 posts, read 2,360,941 times
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No, I think you should date only when you feel ready, if ever. My dear husband wrote me a letter, which was delivered to me by the military after his death. I think this is a rather common thing for some men in his situation to do. The thing that is killing me is his wish for me to move on and find love again should he not return home alive. It is really causing me a lot of grief to not be able to move on right now, especially because if I could I would have done anything for his man. Sometimes we have to do what we feel is best for ourselves.
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Old 03-02-2014, 07:50 PM
 
16,477 posts, read 17,501,756 times
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If you're not ready you're not ready. Forcing it is worse.
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Old 03-02-2014, 09:42 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
18,842 posts, read 12,465,112 times
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I wonder if your daughter is pushing you a bit because she feels you are too dependent emotionally on her? Is that possible?

Basically, I also think you are right to take your time.
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Old 03-02-2014, 10:30 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,429 posts, read 18,139,040 times
Reputation: 18802
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
No, I think you should date only when you feel ready, if ever. My dear husband wrote me a letter, which was delivered to me by the military after his death. I think this is a rather common thing for some men in his situation to do. The thing that is killing me is his wish for me to move on and find love again should he not return home alive. It is really causing me a lot of grief to not be able to move on right now, especially because if I could I would have done anything for his man. Sometimes we have to do what we feel is best for ourselves.
Sorry about your husband, Molli. That letter must have torn you apart. My husband told me he wanted me to find another man to love too but I am being kinda rather okay being by myself. I feel a little bad that I can't do what hubby wanted for me. I hope he is being proud of me for making it on my own.
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Old 03-03-2014, 01:26 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,737,637 times
Reputation: 7078
Many spouses want their survivng spouse to move on, find love and be happy. When they say that, they have no idea what it feels like to be left behind. You can't give your heart to someone else if it still belongs to the one you've lost. I agree with everyone who says if you're not ready, don't force it. Your daughter is old enough to understand not being ready yet, so let that be your answer. You don't need to explain it, just repeat it.

I was widowed 4 years ago at age 57, but I'm still wearing my wedding rings and I'm still deeply in love with my late husband. I could not date right now, nor do I want to. I most likely will never date, and I'm fine with that. I'm lonely, but not enough to compromise my feelings in order to have someone to talk to while fixing dinner.

Be true to yourself. Always. Don't force yourself to do something that doesn't feel right. Like Ceece said, "Your romantic life is for YOU, not for your kids."
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Old 03-03-2014, 02:50 AM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,103 posts, read 17,634,355 times
Reputation: 22434
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molli View Post
No, I think you should date only when you feel ready, if ever. My dear husband wrote me a letter, which was delivered to me by the military after his death. I think this is a rather common thing for some men in his situation to do. The thing that is killing me is his wish for me to move on and find love again should he not return home alive. It is really causing me a lot of grief to not be able to move on right now, especially because if I could I would have done anything for his man. Sometimes we have to do what we feel is best for ourselves.

Wow Molli my heart goes out to you Im sure that letter tore you apart . You will do what is right for you and regardless of how much the other spouse wants you to go on it is because they indeed dont know how it feels to be left behind . You should not feel grief because you cant move on , you should give yourself time . Yes you are very right you have to do what is best for you . Good luck and if you ever need to talk then please pm me .
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