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Old 01-08-2018, 12:46 AM
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,099 posts, read 5,531,886 times
Reputation: 6424


Originally Posted by Lieneke View Post
Speaking from recent experience, the Chinese tradition is to give a cheque at funerals. The family can use the money for whatever purpose. We will donate it. If you prefer cash, I would not say in lieu of flowers, but perhaps something along the lines of "donations will be graciously accepted and donated to a charity valued by the deceased" ... something like that.
Well, I think that's kind of misleading. If the donations are going to a charity valued by the deceased, then the charity should be listed and the donor then donate directly and use it as part of their charitable contributions for the year. If the family needs the cash to defray expenses or whatever, it should say "memorials to the family would be appreciated" or some other appropriate wording.
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Old 01-12-2018, 02:15 PM
497 posts, read 180,660 times
Reputation: 1585
I would find it odd to give donations to adult children. I would not mind requests for donations to a college fund for the children of the deceased.

My MIL received some condolence cards containing cash when my FIL died. It was not a lot of money, but it was a lovely gesture of community support for her and her well being.

My MIL died recently. After the service, we donated the flowers to a local nursing home. They seemed to appreciate the gesture.
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Old 01-13-2018, 07:58 PM
Location: East Coast
23 posts, read 8,370 times
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In west central PA, it is very common to receive money when a loved one passes. I wonder if it is a throw back from the coal mining days, where everyone felt responsible for everyone.

When my grandmother and mother passed nothing was noted on their obituaries to suggest that we requested or needed money, nonetheless we were inundated with cards containing cash and checks. A handwritten thank you was sent to each sender, thanking them for their generosity and telling them that it was donated to the American Lung Association in my mothers case.

I think this informal and kind tradition has morphed into people now asking for donations and I have to agree it is quite tacky.
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Old 01-13-2018, 10:29 PM
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
39,398 posts, read 38,007,942 times
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Old 01-20-2018, 01:35 PM
2,301 posts, read 1,128,491 times
Reputation: 2802
Yes. If you are spending $ on flowers which are going to be thrown out.. Might as well give that $ to the surviving relatives. I see nothing wrong with asking for $. They need it for expenses. Not everyone prepares for burial costs. My mom sure didn't. My uncle had to help me pay for the funeral. I didn't have enough $ to do so alone. I'm grateful that he did that. That's the nicest thing he did for me ever.
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Old 01-22-2018, 09:34 PM
5,749 posts, read 4,596,824 times
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No, it is not proper.
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Old 01-29-2018, 09:15 AM
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,815 posts, read 42,971,317 times
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I have seen people ask for donations to a favorite charity of the deceased in lieu of flowers, or to a fund for the children of the deceased, but I’d be very embarrassed if someone used my death as a shake down for money.

In the case of the OP, close family members will know of the situation with the needy relatives, and can help them out financially anyway, if they choose.

The last funeral I attended was for my sister. She was a gardener, and loved flowers. The abundant flowers at her funeral were a nice tribute to her and looked beautiful, and showed she was loved by many. I never would consider it a waste.
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Old 01-29-2018, 09:23 AM
Location: USA
97 posts, read 34,123 times
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Possible solution: Mail a check to the mortuary, and in the sympathy card, indicate that in lieu of flowers, a monetary donation has been made to the mortuary to defray funeral/burial costs.
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Old 01-30-2018, 10:30 AM
Location: Camberville
11,408 posts, read 16,061,320 times
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I don't see anything wrong with it. My parents live more than 1000 miles away from their children. If one or both were to pass, it would be a significant cost for my brother and/or I to travel last minute, secure pet sitters and childcare, and make up missed wages in order to travel for the funeral, clean out the house and prepare it for sale (we've been asking our parents for a decade to work on it, even each traveling separately to help clean out the basement, only to be thwarted), and handle affairs. Funeral and burial costs often come out of life insurance and, if not, could be scaled down approprately, but I would expect to be out thousands of dollars to handle arrangements and that would be incredibly difficult to manage. In my case, my parents were emotionally abusive, irresponsible, and I would not expect there to be anything left after their debts are paid to help defray my costs. It's a harsh way of looking at it, but adult children can get easily get saddled with debt outside of the funeral costs.

I wouldn't ask, but I would hope people would be kind enough to offer financial assistance if they were willing and able. A good friend just passed unexpectedly in her 30s and while she has life insurance, that will take some time to come through and her sister has had to take 3 weeks off of work unpaid to handle her affairs and clean out her apartment. Many of those close to her have given her family money in condolence cards to help defray that additional burden in their time of grief. I don't judge people who have to ask.
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Old 02-01-2018, 07:52 PM
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,855 posts, read 21,918,275 times
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In the home town, most put cash in a card. There are quite a few threads about this on C-D.

When my husband died, my hiking club gave me cash. That was better than flowers.
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