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Old 03-08-2014, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,189 posts, read 3,409,771 times
Reputation: 6306

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RVcook View Post
In the "old" days, it was quite commonplace for attendees to extend a small monetary gift to the family to offset the cost of a funeral. When my mom died, my brother and I specifically stated in the obit: "Memorials to the family". We then deposited all the funds and used it to pay a very small portion of the bill.

I would think that if it were worded that way, the family could distribute the funds to other 'needy' family members and not be subject to condemning scrutiny. And seriously?...as an attendee, it would be completely inappropriate for them to ask you what you did with the money you got from the funeral anyway...shaking head...

BTW, the "old" days reference comes directly from a 4th generation family funeral director who knows just a little about the customs associated with death and dying. So while it may seen more virtuous to direct memorials to various charitable organizations, I say skip the altruism and take care of your own. But use the correct wording, lest you suffer the wrath of those who feel the need to legislate what's best for your family in your grief.

RVcook

These sentences just remind me of folks who go public asking for funds for a loved one who has some terminal illness and collects tons of money - then it turns out there was no illness at all. The money was used to fund their own lives. They were scamming folks and taking advantage of the kindness of heart that accompanies people when they truly believe they are helping someone in dire need at a time when they need to concentrate their efforts elsewhere. I am ABSOLUTELY NOT saying this is what is the case in this situation - I am saying that Mr. "old days" seems to remember something that I do not. My Dad's side of the family was HUGE - and it was never a commonplace thing for anybody to give money to help pay for a funeral, nor were they ever asked to. Was that a regional thing? Family funeral directors or not - death customs are not unknown to people outside the industry, so come on...
Just be careful that it does not appear that they are grieving a lost paycheck more than a lost loved one. Anymore it seems that no matter what the occasion, death, wedding, birth, divorce, etc. people are asking others to help pay for it. What's the matter with people any more?
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Old 03-08-2014, 09:37 AM
 
Location: Syracuse IS Central New York.
8,516 posts, read 3,812,150 times
Reputation: 4005
A funeral is not a fund raiser. While I do agree that flowers are a tremendous waste of money, you can't look like your hands are out looking for money. The phrase "Memorials to the family" is probably the best way to go. No need to explain all the details of who needs/wants what monies to do what.
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Old 03-08-2014, 09:45 AM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
6,720 posts, read 11,739,154 times
Reputation: 19354
Quote:
Originally Posted by Easybreezy View Post
A funeral is not a fund raiser. While I do agree that flowers are a tremendous waste of money, you can't look like your hands are out looking for money. The phrase "Memorials to the family" is probably the best way to go. No need to explain all the details of who needs/wants what monies to do what.
The phrase "Memorials to the family" means that the funeral IS a fund raiser.
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Old 03-08-2014, 09:56 AM
 
Location: 2016 Clown Car...fka: Wisconsin
738 posts, read 770,129 times
Reputation: 1180
Quote:
Originally Posted by karen_in_nh_2012 View Post
"Memorials to the family"??? As in "Give us money"???

Honestly, I would have been utterly appalled (and I grew up working-class and money was scarce). It would never occur to me to ask people to give me money after one of my loved ones has died. Wow.

I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.
It's all good...

RVcook
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Old 03-08-2014, 10:28 AM
 
Location: USA
7,778 posts, read 9,608,567 times
Reputation: 11672
When a friend's husband died a few years ago, in lieu of flowers I took her a 12 pack of her favorite brand of beer.
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Old 03-08-2014, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Orlando
1,792 posts, read 2,384,767 times
Reputation: 6412
The Jewish tradition is not to send flowers but rather to bring, or send, food for the grieving family so they don't have to cook for themselves or for people visiting to pay respects.

I've never heard of money contributions being asked for except in the case where the deceased left behind a young child or children. In those situations I've seen people being asked, in lieu of flowers, to contribute to a fund that had been established to help pay for the kids' college expenses.
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Old 03-08-2014, 11:21 AM
 
1,193 posts, read 1,467,663 times
Reputation: 3422
The only time I've given money has been in instances where the deceased left behind a minor child.

The problem here to me is that the appearance of this request is that a few relatives are trying to use an unrelated event (the death of the deceased) to get money. Why is the death of this person even related to them caring for another elderly relative? When it's a minor child of the deceased, it makes sense. The minor child has lost the financial security the parent would've provided so relatives and friends step in to help. In this case, the two adults have run out of unemployment, which has nothing to do with the deceased's passing.
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Old 03-08-2014, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Moose Jaw, in between the Moose's butt and nose.
4,945 posts, read 7,093,978 times
Reputation: 1687
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitkatbar View Post
The only time I've given money has been in instances where the deceased left behind a minor child.

The problem here to me is that the appearance of this request is that a few relatives are trying to use an unrelated event (the death of the deceased) to get money. Why is the death of this person even related to them caring for another elderly relative? When it's a minor child of the deceased, it makes sense. The minor child has lost the financial security the parent would've provided so relatives and friends step in to help. In this case, the two adults have run out of unemployment, which has nothing to do with the deceased's passing.
The adults, I'm sure, would never mention anything about the reasons, why they may ask for the money
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Old 03-08-2014, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Southern New Hampshire
6,720 posts, read 11,739,154 times
Reputation: 19354
Quote:
Originally Posted by beenhereandthere View Post
The adults, I'm sure, would never mention anything about the reasons, why they may ask for the money
Um, but again, you have adults asking others for money at someone's funeral. Why don't they just wear a sign at the funeral "donations accepted, I need $"?
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Old 03-08-2014, 12:43 PM
 
1,640 posts, read 3,179,301 times
Reputation: 3467
I think it would be extremely tacky. I agree that if their financial situation bears no connection to the death, it IS using the death of someone as a way to make money, and that's just...gross.

That being said, I think it would be fine if the deceased came from a poor family, and the family was struggling with burial/headstone costs, to say something like, "In lieu of flowers, contributions towards burial expenses would be appreciated," or whatever.
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