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Old 03-09-2014, 10:38 AM
LLN
 
Location: Upstairs closet
4,912 posts, read 8,356,599 times
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I cannot think of anything more tacky.

Charities in lieu of flowers, fine, and I recommend it.

Giving money to survivors, YGTBSM! I am sorry, but even the thought of that is funny, in a bad sort of way.
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Old 03-09-2014, 01:18 PM
 
12,913 posts, read 19,792,997 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LLN View Post
I cannot think of anything more tacky.

Charities in lieu of flowers, fine, and I recommend it.

Giving money to survivors, YGTBSM! I am sorry, but even the thought of that is funny, in a bad sort of way.
This is where I disconnect. Why is it less tacky to be asked for donations to a charity, that the mourners may not support the cause behind, instead of family members, who presumably have been caring for the deceased?

What many call tacky, I call pragmatic.
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Old 03-09-2014, 01:45 PM
 
10,546 posts, read 7,495,426 times
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I'd be happy to chip in money to help defray funeral or medical costs, if suggested by the family, in lieu of flowers.

It seems a pragmatic and compassionate thing to do. Isn't that what etiquette is all about?

Those who would rather send flowers or donate to charity can still do so, no one's holding a gun to their heads.

eta: my post coincided with Mattie's above!
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Old 03-09-2014, 01:50 PM
 
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When our friend's mother passed after having cancer for 3 years, my husband and I tried to be there as much as we could. He'd also just had a new baby. Before his mother died we were there, cleaning the house, bringing food for the family, visiting at the hospital, taking care of the kids while they were busy with the mother, etc. All in all with the food and things we brought, we spent well over $100. And hubby and I aren't rich by any means.

Then when his mother passed we were really shocked that NOTHING had been set aside or arranged for a funeral. His friend then asked us to help with funeral expenses. I had to be the "bad guy" and say no. Luckily his father got pissed at him for asking us for funeral expense money (he wanted $5 grand!) and arranged to have his wife cremated and the whole thing cost less than $1,000. Sad part is now his friend won't talk to us. I think he thinks we are rich or something but we aren't, we manage our money very carefully and I wish I had an extra $5k lying around to give! He asked other people but his dad told him stop asking for money.

I guess death can bring out the worst in people, but I certainly wouldn't mind pitching in towards funeral costs instead of flowers. We might have been able to give more if we hadn't already spent so much towards helping before his mother passed.
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Old 03-09-2014, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Moose Jaw, in between the Moose's butt and nose.
4,945 posts, read 7,095,215 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
This is where I disconnect. Why is it less tacky to be asked for donations to a charity, that the mourners may not support the cause behind, instead of family members, who presumably have been caring for the deceased?

What many call tacky, I call pragmatic.
Again, their UI ran out and they have not be (or pretty much unable to, since they're playing the caretaker role) work.
That's different from asking $ to cover left over debt, etc.
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Old 03-09-2014, 02:07 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs area
569 posts, read 1,233,101 times
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Never heard of this happening until now but I am not surprised. I think it is pretty tacky and somewhat disrespectful but then who am I to judge. It is just something I could not do. To each their own---for or against, you will never make everyone happy. You have to do what you feel you need to and can live with. Best wishes to you.
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Old 03-09-2014, 02:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beenhereandthere View Post
Again, their UI ran out and they have not be (or pretty much unable to, since they're playing the caretaker role) work.
That's different from asking $ to cover left over debt, etc.
I am in agreement with you, I hope you realize that. Can you confirm that the gravely ill relative's caretakers are the ones you are referring to? I think people have gotten hung up on that fact.
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Old 03-09-2014, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,481 posts, read 15,913,707 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
I disagree. I do however, see where those people who are totally against the idea are coming from. I would phrase it as "Donations towards burial expenses would be appreciated in lieu of flowers".

We recently lost a family member, and 2000 people showed up at the wake. The flower arrangements lined every wall from the front door in, and a good part of the floor space. The widow told everybody to please take an arrangement home, as they would largely being going to waste. Most of the attendees had flown in, and it wasn't an option, so, yes, thousands of dollars went into a dumpster.
In my area, (extra) floral arrangements from funerals are often given to nursing homes or hospitals or elderly/homebound members of the deceased church. In fact, the funeral homes where my parents/aunts/uncles had services even mentioned that volunteers from those places would pick up and deliver any flowers/plants that we choose to leave. I would be absolutely appalled if flowers were just thrown in the garbage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WildColonialGirl View Post
I think it depends entirely on where you live and what your culture is. I've never heard of it, but maybe it's common where you live. Like money at weddings, I'd hate to do it in a culture where it's considered tacky.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LillyJo View Post
I have never heard of giving money to the family and we would be appalled if someone tried to give us money. We would return it. We have ordered flowers, called, sent momentos, and made meals for the family. Giving them money sounds down right insulting.

Flowers are a way of telling the family that you're thinking of them and you cared enough to send them flowers.
Where I grew up in the Midwest monetary gifts at the funeral or after the death were/are always given. The only time when I even remember it being discussed pro vs. con was when a neighbor of my parents died. He was a multi-millionaire and my parents were very, very poor farmers. They decided that it would be insulting to his widow if we didn't follow the tradition so they gave what they would have given to any other neighbor. BTW the widow did not return the money. In fact, we found out later that she felt "touched and honored" that her husband was considered "one of the neighbors".

It was up to the family to decide what to do with the money. Whether they used it to help pay for the funeral expenses, donated it to charity, used it pay expenses connected to the death or set up an educational fund for children/grandchildren it was their decision.

People forget that funerals have many, many expenses that are not immediately apparent. When our father died, each of our families came and spent from 5 to 8 nights in our home town. To make it easy let's say it was $100 a night for each hotel room, we had six rooms for seven nights. That was $4,200 just for hotel rooms. Often there are huge bills to airlines, loss of wages, even the gasoline to drive hundreds of miles add up fast. Maybe you have a few hundred or a few thousand dollars "just sitting around" but many people do not. And, that isn't even referring to the several/many thousand dollars, cash up front, to pay for the actual funeral.
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Old 03-14-2014, 12:25 AM
 
Location: Tampa, FL
2,164 posts, read 1,353,918 times
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I'm from New England & I married a Hawaiian. Needless to say, our customs are very different. For one thing, my family is very traditional and you might say "staid," whereas my husband's family is more warm, more open to closeness, etc. Where I'm from, the funerals are very somber.

So I was surprised when I went to my first Hawaiian-style funerals (here in FL). For them, it was more about the Celebration of Life than our Yankee-style mourning of loss. One of the things that struck me was the use of a "calabash" bowl. This is where many of the mourners put gifts of money, to help the relatives pay for funeral expenses. Everyone also brought food.
It seemed strange to me at first, but as I talked to others about it, I realized how practical it was, espc. when the death is an unexpected or sudden one. Not everyone prepares for their death, and so it can be a burden on the family. So now I agree with this, and it no longer seems strange to me.
I see it as another sign of love and respect for those who have passed on.

ETA: I think I should clarify that no one ever asks for donations for the calabash--it's simply put on a table in a place where sympathy cards or such are displayed. Many people just put in money without a card attached, so it's anonymous as to who gives or how much is given.

When my SIL died suddenly from Diabetes, my husband was overwhelmed by his friends who took up a collection so he could fly home to HI to attend the funeral. Without their help, he may not have been able to go. It was a very touching experience.

Last edited by Starr.R; 03-14-2014 at 12:42 AM.. Reason: Clarification
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Old 12-27-2017, 11:00 PM
 
1 posts, read 736 times
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I received a post from a friend asking in lieu of flowers to please send money directly to her. Her husband passed away. Both individuals have been unemployed during the 12 years of their marriage. I am shocked at this request for money. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this. I live in Texas. Is this more of a northern type thing to request money when your loved one passes? I do consider it very tacky, am I wrong?
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