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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 4 days ago)
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I think it's appropriate for a dear friend to set up a fund in a case of, for example, a young father dies leaving behind 4 elementary school kids and no life insurance. Everyone certainly gets that, and is happy to help out.
I'm uncomfortable when an elderly person passes away and their established adult children ask for generic money with no real goal except grandpa died, here's where you can send your check to us.
Back in the day there were paupers graveyards, and we certainly don't want to go back to that. But cremation is very inexpensive, so those who are cash strapped can still afford to celebrate the life of their elderly deceased.
I'm surprised by the answers so far -- I would find it really, really bizarre to be asked to give money to surviving adults.
I would find it strange, but the only exception would be if the surviving adult was a life long caregiver to the person who died. In that case, I could understand because many adult children give up their careers to be a caregiver, it is unpaid work, and they often have no job to move on to after the parent dies.
As I posted it is the tradition in the Midwest where I grew up, and currently live, it has nothing to do with how much money people have saved. snip>
My husband recently passed away and almost everyone who attended the funeral, or sent a card, gave a monetary donation. The funeral director told us that saying "In lieu of flowers, memorials are requested by the family." was very common and completely acceptable. He said that often families do that if they have not decided what charity they want to donate their memorials to or the money will be dividing the memorials to multiple charities. the funeral director also said that families may do that to help pay for funeral expenses.
Now, it obviously is NOT tradition where you grew up or live. And, that is OK.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania
No Go Fund Me required. In Northeastern PA, you gave them a card or flowers, took food to the house, and gave them cash or a check. That money at least covered the funeral lunch. I'm sure it's that way in other areas of the country.
Ditto and ditto! Midwest and Catholic so I can't say for sure where the roots for this 'tradition' are derived but this is, indeed what took place.
I will say that when my parents passed away they had policies in place to pay for their gravesite, headstones, and funeral/wake services. We did pay for the luncheon for both of them and it was lovely to share that with the many people who came to show their respects.
A well known Polish restaurant for my mom as it was a treat for her to go there with us daughters, for my dad a traditional Southern restaurant because that's what he liked.
After living in several different areas of the country, I think the traditions of funerals (and weddings) are largely based on regionalism and perhaps cultural background.
I know my mother would have been horrified if anyone had given her money in a condolence card. She was so opposed to any mention of donations that no charity or organization was mentioned at all in my father's or her obit.
But that can be very different in other areas of the country.
I find it similar to wedding customs. One wedding I went to with my future husband involved pinning money (bills) on the bride's veil before a dance with her. I was stunned - I had never seen anything like that. I found out later that was a custom in their family's cultural background and was an accepted way to help set the new couple up in their household.
It is one thing to suggest an organization/college fund to donate to in the obit but it is certainly tacky to blatantly request money to be sent directly to you, as the OP said happened.
Have yet to be shunned for donating to the family or a cause. What they choose to do with it is their choice. I rarely find a dedication gift in memory of to be 'tacky'. My take is simple..Honor the living as well as the departed. I used the token checks to pay for my mom's inscribed urn.
This is the sort of thing the money is for. You, and everyone else who loved her, bought that.
My old school dad used to go to the bank every week. The teller he did business with--he'd wait for her--had a tree planted in Israel for him. He was Catholic, and I'm sure he would have loved that. He loved being in the woods. A tree was the perfect gift.
Speaking from recent experience, the Chinese tradition is to give a cheque at funerals. The family can use the money for whatever purpose. We will donate it. If you prefer cash, I would not say in lieu of flowers, but perhaps something along the lines of "donations will be graciously accepted and donated to a charity valued by the deceased" ... something like that.
If you live in the Florida Gulf Coast, I rather doubt that are you are reading many obits from my city in Wisconsin. And, the funeral director did NOT say that it was "very common to ask for money". He said "that saying "In lieu of flowers, memorials are requested to the family." was very common and completely acceptable." And, yes I do see that quite often in obituaries in my area.
We specifically felt that we did not need extra flowers at the funeral as we expected a very small funeral (it turned out to be much larger), all but one of the immediate family lived out of state/out of the country and my husband was being buried the next day in a cemetery two hundred miles away.
Maybe it is common in your town. Many, many people from Wisconsin and the Midwest states live on the Gulf coast of FL, so I am very used to seeing obituaries from folks who moved here from those parts. Again, I am sorry for the loss of your husband.
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