Is it proper to ask in lieu of flowers, ask instead donations to surviving adult children?
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I received a post from a friend asking in lieu of flowers to please send money directly to her. Her husband passed away. Both individuals have been unemployed during the 12 years of their marriage. I am shocked at this request for money. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this. I live in Texas. Is this more of a northern type thing to request money when your loved one passes? I do consider it very tacky, am I wrong?
This thread is four years old and your situation may have been covered already. But yes, I've heard of this done. First, it started as donations to the children's educational fund. Then it flat-out became "donations to the family". And if you look at Gofundme, you would not believe the number of fundraisers for funeral expenses.
I personally think it's tacky, especially in the case of a few co-workers who asked for donations to the children's education, but in both cases were by no means poor and were also entitled to life insurance policies worth hundreds of thousands. I'm a single parent and had my own child to worry about, so I didn't donate.
But in my family when relatives have died and I know the family isn't well-off, I will give them a check (even if they have requested donations to charity) with a card saying that they can use the money however they see fit.
If I were you, I would not feel obligated to contribute, especially given you probably were not going to send flowers anyway.
When my brother died, his daughter was in her third year of college. He did not have a large savings or life insurance policy, so we asked for donations to his daughter's education in lieu of flowers. My bro was not a flowers kind of guy, so it was best anyway.
Just wondering. Example, memorial fund of the deceased person?
Two of my family members lost their unemployment and have no incoming income as they are taking care of a gravelly ill family member, who hasn't been given much time to live.
You may find it a dumb ?, but I'm not well versed in death and dying.
Etiquette says you do not tell people where to direct their giving. My obituary (yes it's written and I update periodically as I age) mentions two organizations where I donate my time and money. Someone could choose to make a donation to one of those without it directing them to do so. Or they could make a donation to an organization of their choice. Or nothing at all.
"Memorials to the family"??? As in "Give us money"???
Honestly, I would have been utterly appalled (and I grew up working-class and money was scarce). It would never occur to me to ask people to give me money after one of my loved ones has died. Wow.
I guess we will just have to agree to disagree on this one.
Totally agree. I've been disappointed in this trend to throw up a go fund me for every death but this is just as bad.
Me too...if doing donations, pick a worthy cause deceased would have supported...
[/b]
Quote:
Originally Posted by CFoulke
Frankly, I think it's rather tacky and tasteless. It's unfortunate that they are having a rough time financially on top of the illness and pending death of a loved one, but it strikes me as they expect they should be paid for taking care of their family member. Is this your idea or theirs? Most people that are close to them probably know their circumstances and if they WANT to contribute something that's their prerogative, but to request that ALL of the memorial tributes get funneled to their pockets just seems wrong, to me anyhow. Memorials are designed to honor the dead, not fund the living adults who have fallen on hard times. There are other ways they can help themselves. After the funeral, and the memorial funds would be used up - what are they going to do for cash then? If I were told that I was expected to donate money for adult "kids" to pay for them taking care of their dying family member - I would likely keep my money in my pocket - but maybe that's just me. I did take care of my own parents until they died. I was lucky enough to have a good job and was established, but even if I didn't I would still have been there for them - I would not have needed money as an incentive.
I have never heard of giving money to the family and we would be appalled if someone tried to give us money. We would return it. We have ordered flowers, called, sent momentos, and made meals for the family. Giving them money sounds down right insulting.
Flowers are a way of telling the family that you're thinking of them and you cared enough to send them flowers.
Someone opened a go fund me when my brother died. Without checking with my mother and I. It was highly insulting to assume we did not have the funds to take care of family business.
I would have returned the money but the organizer never gave it to my mother. And gofundme had incredibly lax fraud standards.
In my area, (extra) floral arrangements from funerals are often given to nursing homes or hospitals or elderly/homebound members of the deceased church. In fact, the funeral homes where my parents/aunts/uncles had services even mentioned that volunteers from those places would pick up and deliver any flowers/plants that we choose to leave. I would be absolutely appalled if flowers were just thrown in the garbage.
Where I grew up in the Midwest monetary gifts at the funeral or after the death were/are always given. The only time when I even remember it being discussed pro vs. con was when a neighbor of my parents died. He was a multi-millionaire and my parents were very, very poor farmers. They decided that it would be insulting to his widow if we didn't follow the tradition so they gave what they would have given to any other neighbor. BTW the widow did not return the money. In fact, we found out later that she felt "touched and honored" that her husband was considered "one of the neighbors".
It was up to the family to decide what to do with the money. Whether they used it to help pay for the funeral expenses, donated it to charity, used it pay expenses connected to the death or set up an educational fund for children/grandchildren it was their decision.
People forget that funerals have many, many expenses that are not immediately apparent. When our father died, each of our families came and spent from 5 to 8 nights in our home town. To make it easy let's say it was $100 a night for each hotel room, we had six rooms for seven nights. That was $4,200 just for hotel rooms. Often there are huge bills to airlines, loss of wages, even the gasoline to drive hundreds of miles add up fast. Maybe you have a few hundred or a few thousand dollars "just sitting around" but many people do not. And, that isn't even referring to the several/many thousand dollars, cash up front, to pay for the actual funeral.
You didn't know he was going to die eventually and planned For that? So it's up to people who do plan and save to pick up the slack?
In my area, (extra) floral arrangements from funerals are often given to nursing homes or hospitals or elderly/homebound members of the deceased church. In fact, the funeral homes where my parents/aunts/uncles had services even mentioned that volunteers from those places would pick up and deliver any flowers/plants that we choose to leave. I would be absolutely appalled if flowers were just thrown in the garbage.
Where I grew up in the Midwest monetary gifts at the funeral or after the death were/are always given. The only time when I even remember it being discussed pro vs. con was when a neighbor of my parents died. He was a multi-millionaire and my parents were very, very poor farmers. They decided that it would be insulting to his widow if we didn't follow the tradition so they gave what they would have given to any other neighbor. BTW the widow did not return the money. In fact, we found out later that she felt "touched and honored" that her husband was considered "one of the neighbors".
It was up to the family to decide what to do with the money. Whether they used it to help pay for the funeral expenses, donated it to charity, used it pay expenses connected to the death or set up an educational fund for children/grandchildren it was their decision.
People forget that funerals have many, many expenses that are not immediately apparent. When our father died, each of our families came and spent from 5 to 8 nights in our home town. To make it easy let's say it was $100 a night for each hotel room, we had six rooms for seven nights. That was $4,200 just for hotel rooms. Often there are huge bills to airlines, loss of wages, even the gasoline to drive hundreds of miles add up fast. Maybe you have a few hundred or a few thousand dollars "just sitting around" but many people do not. And, that isn't even referring to the several/many thousand dollars, cash up front, to pay for the actual funeral.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MurphyPl1
You didn't know he was going to die eventually and planned For that? So it's up to people who do plan and save to pick up the slack?
As I posted it is the tradition in the Midwest where I grew up, and currently live, it has nothing to do with how much money people have saved. Otherwise why would my parents, who barely had two nickels to rub together, give a donation to the multi-millionaire who owned land in their neighborhood? And this was in the 1950s when being a multi-millionaire really, really meant that you had a "boatload of money". While, I was a little girl at the time, I recall that most of the neighbors contributed just like they would have for any other neighbor.
My husband recently passed away and almost everyone who attended the funeral, or sent a card, gave a monetary donation. The funeral director told us that saying "In lieu of flowers, memorials are requested by the family." was very common and completely acceptable. He said that often families do that if they have not decided what charity they want to donate their memorials to or the money will be dividing the memorials to multiple charities. the funeral director also said that families may do that to help pay for funeral expenses.
Now, it obviously is NOT tradition where you grew up or live. And, that is OK.
Totally agree. I've been disappointed in this trend to throw up a go fund me for every death but this is just as bad.
No Go Fund Me required. In Northeastern PA, you gave them a card or flowers, took food to the house, and gave them cash or a check. That money at least covered the funeral lunch. I'm sure it's that way in other areas of the country.
As others have mentioned it seems to have some regionalism around it.
I grew up in the Northeast and things were more formal; nobody really asks for donations to the family--you just hear "donations in lieu of flowers to 'x' charity". The first place I heard about giving money or anything other than flowers to a grieving family was when we moved to the South.
I made a friend there and unfortunately her grandfather passed away rather suddenly due to a heart attack. Since I was a friend of the family, I got invited to the funeral. I expected a formal experience like I had up north with all the Catholic funerals in my family, lol. Oh, wow was I surprised when I got to the funeral home and there was a pastor dressed in khakis and a polo shirt. People were sitting around---talking loudly and EATING! Even stranger to me, they were laughing. It was mind-blowing to say the least. Anyhow, there was a cousin who started to come around to everyone and collect donations. I was unprepared and kind of flustered but ran to the car and grabbed some cash out of my purse. Just a case of regional culture shock I guess.
It is different in the Midwest as well. I have seen funeral announcements where a fund has been set up for donations to the family/survivors and it's not a big deal for me.
I have given money in the Northeast when I know that the funeral and/or final expenses have left the survivors in bad circumstances but just give the money to the priest handling the services and ask him to get the money to the family without letting them know who it's from. It's worked out just fine for me.
I don't want a funeral because I don't want people depressed. I had to sit through enough of those I want a cremation and then people to have a life celebration with food and music They can plant a tree if the weather is nice out .
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
They can plant a tree if the weather is nice out .
