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Old 03-16-2014, 05:14 PM
 
2,387 posts, read 6,103,081 times
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We have seen so many deaths,but my feeling has always been life is for the living.
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Old 03-16-2014, 05:25 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,762 posts, read 19,153,370 times
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That sentiment helps NO ONE
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Old 03-16-2014, 10:09 PM
 
Location: WY
4,929 posts, read 3,509,665 times
Reputation: 5437
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
Can anyone help with sites to read, etc.? I'm not sure of proper Google terms/phrasing, but that isn't working - I need something to research, friends say "call anytime" but I'm a person that doesn't want to "intrude", even though they say it isn't - I know it is - they have their lives. I find myself drinking to dull everything, that makes me more depressed - I don't even know where to start (it's been 2 weeks, I need to pick up remains and can't bring myself to do that, I'm not religious so folks that say such things aren't helping) - sorry to put things out - I just want to go back to how things were, crawl into a hole somewhere, pretend it isn't real, thoughts are all over the board.
Holy crap you sound a lot like me. Almost 23 months. My oldest son. The first true love of my life. I'm an atheist and just said to someone the other day that I just want my life back. My REAL life - not this horrific never-ending nightmare life where I have to get up every day and wonder why I'm getting up every day. I can still see his face, see his smile, see his big blue eyes, see his strong athletic body, hear his laugh when he tells me stupid jokes. I can still feel his body against mine when I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. I've abused alcohol in the past. If I didn't have a couple of people in my life who love me dearly and want-so-badly for me to be OK, that's where I'd be now. And so I act OK because they need me and because they've suffered great loss as well and I don't want them to hurt anymore than they already do. You're as angry and lost as I felt back then and feel now.

Two weeks is nothing. No time at all Muddle through - wander aimlessly through - walk blindly through - stumble in pain through - but just get through. Cry or scream or smash dishes or whatever you need to do to get the smallest part of your anger and confusion out. It will help in the moment, but then it won't. Keep going anyway. There's no helping you really, other than to say you're not alone. And I understand your pain and anger - both of which are so deep they can scare you. At least they scare me.

People will be afraid to say your loved ones' name because they'll be afraid it will hurt you more. People will say stupid things but it's only because they don't really know what to say, but it's important to remember that they really are trying (in their awkward and uncomfortable way) to help. Nothing will ease your pain. There is nothing anyone can do to ease your pain, and nothing they can say, but understand and appreciate and acknowledge their effort anyway.

I tried to look up sites early on and then quickly gave up, so I can't recommend because I don't remember the sites. They may help for you and I hope someone tells you the names of sites that have worked for them. I tried counseling one time - no. Just no. But that has also worked for other people so consider it if you think it will help.

Pm me if you want.
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Old 03-17-2014, 01:10 AM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,178 posts, read 2,963,349 times
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Things don't always get better...sometimes you have to accept that things will be different but okay. When you lose a spouse you lose your identity (sort of an intangible and hard to explain to people) and sometimes you lose income, property, friends, in-laws and more. Everyone goes through this alone to a large extent. Grief counselling groups help you see that you are not the only one having trouble but I'm not sure how helpful they actually are other than the social support...which is important. I sat in a chair for a year and a half, felt terrible and did very little that was productive...but I wasn't self-destructive.

Your brain chemistry gets messed up when you are in deep grief and pathological grief is rare but lethal so it is important to seek help if you are becoming self-destructive or becoming sick.

People cope differently. I finally made a to-do list and, like a robot, started checking things off. I could see progress each day. I made mistakes and bad decisions but I eventually reinvented my life as a single person while keeping what was most important from my past life. I learned that I could make friends on my own. I can live and manage as a single person and enjoy it but I still miss common and trivial things like routine conversation and cooking for one person is a challenge sometimes. I still have a few hangups...I can go out to eat in a restaurant by myself but have a hard time going to church alone. I can take a vacation by myself if no one else is available. I'm retired but keep busy at home with projects but I get out of the house and go somewhere every day.
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Old 03-17-2014, 02:44 AM
Status: "Snow in the high country and I'm missing it!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,677 posts, read 6,768,080 times
Reputation: 7111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
Can anyone help with sites to read, etc.? I'm not sure of proper Google terms/phrasing, but that isn't working - I need something to research, friends say "call anytime" but I'm a person that doesn't want to "intrude", even though they say it isn't - I know it is - they have their lives. I find myself drinking to dull everything, that makes me more depressed - I don't even know where to start (it's been 2 weeks, I need to pick up remains and can't bring myself to do that, I'm not religious so folks that say such things aren't helping) - sorry to put things out - I just want to go back to how things were, crawl into a hole somewhere, pretend it isn't real, thoughts are all over the board.
Flamingo, I got a few books that helped~~"Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg which was written in the 60's so it's not relevant as far as social customs, but the advice on the timeline of being a widow was very helpful. I also read "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" (can't remember the authors).

My husband of 36 years died suddenly and unexpecteldy at our home in CO, while I was in Tucson. I wasn't with him when he died, and there's so much I wished I knew about his last minutes, but, because it was sudden and instantaneous, I wouldn't have known had I been in the next room. This was 4 1/2 years ago, but I'm still grieving, still have his pictures everywhere, his clothes in the closet, his robe on the back of the bathroom door and I still wear my wedding rings. I cry at the drop of a hat, it's still raw for me. But.....I did sell our house, moved to Tucson, started over, developed friendships (acquaintenances is a better word), volunteer, and rejuvenated my hobbies.

The alcohol will numb you, but it won't take away the reality. You'll have to accept that he's gone. I know that sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to be, but that's the truth. Crawling in a hole is a common feeling, covers over the head, constant crying, feeling helpless and hopeless, not eating, not showering, not cleaning house, or doing dishes....it's all common. What isn't common is when it takes over your life for years. Right now, you're feeling normal emotions. Numbness, denial, fear, disbelief, are all normal. Wanting him back, hurting so much you ache and don't think it will ever end, it's also normal. And at some point you'll get angry that he died and left you alone, lonely, scared and helpless. That's when you're allowed to throw things, scream, yell, hate him and cry hysterically. These feelings can last for a very long time. Eventually, they will ease. They won't ever be gone, but they'll become manageable. I know it seems hard to believe, but they will.

You might think about collecting social security if you're age 60 or older. I did. I applied for my husband's survivor's benefits. I was a stay-at-home-mom, so I don't have my own social security, but I have my husband's. There's also Medicaid and SNAP if you need it. If you're interested, try finding a grief counselor or a support group. Not only will they help you emotionally, but you may find women you can be friends with, and a grief counselor can give you so many tips on how to support yourself financially.

Remember, this is a club none of us ever wanted to join, but we're part of it now, even though we hate it.
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Old 03-17-2014, 04:58 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,762 posts, read 19,153,370 times
Reputation: 14745
Thank you all, it's helping. Marcy, I'm not old enough to collect SS but I can't work much (a couple hrs. occasionally). I quit a job yrs. ago I'd had for many yrs. when the CFIDS and Fibro. got to be too much (and they've only gotten worse).
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Old 03-17-2014, 05:00 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 38,021,426 times
Reputation: 61854
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatwomanofV View Post
It seems that in the last 6 years, my family has lost so many. It started in Feb. 2008 with the lost of my grandmother who was 99 1/2 years young. Yeah, it was hard losing her but she lived to a ripe age and I was able to handle it ok. Then in Nov. 2008, we lost my oldest sister. She was only 54 years old. While I wasn't that close to her, her death hit me super hard. I went into such a depression.

On April 11th, 2012, I lost my father & my husband's father-ON THE SAME DAY!!!! My father's sister died about 4 months before he did. Then one April 21st, 2013, I lost my mother.

One of my sisters has it even worse than I do. She lost her brother-in-law, & uncle-in-law who she & her husband were VERY close to.

I just feel like my grief weighs me down sometimes. I feel like I wear it every day. I try not to think about it but it is always there. And I am so afraid of losing my husband which I know will happen since he is 17 years my senior.

How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.

Thanks.


Cat
As silly as it may sound I clean until there is nothing left to clean, then I start cleaning again and when I run out a second time of things to clean I go to the river and throw rocks, scream, cry, throw more rocks until I can't throw any longer and have no more screams or tears.
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Old 03-18-2014, 02:36 AM
Status: "Snow in the high country and I'm missing it!" (set 1 day ago)
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,677 posts, read 6,768,080 times
Reputation: 7111
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
Thank you all, it's helping. Marcy, I'm not old enough to collect SS but I can't work much (a couple hrs. occasionally). I quit a job yrs. ago I'd had for many yrs. when the CFIDS and Fibro. got to be too much (and they've only gotten worse).
Can you collect disability? You might want to check with your local SS office or with your state's welfare office to find out what plans you could be eligible for.
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Old 03-18-2014, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Venus
4,305 posts, read 2,828,672 times
Reputation: 6891
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610 View Post
As silly as it may sound I clean until there is nothing left to clean, then I start cleaning again and when I run out a second time of things to clean I go to the river and throw rocks, scream, cry, throw more rocks until I can't throw any longer and have no more screams or tears.

When my sister died, my kitchen was probably the cleanest it has EVER been.



Cat
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Old 03-18-2014, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,908,349 times
Reputation: 1723
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
Things don't always get better...sometimes you have to accept that things will be different but okay. When you lose a spouse you lose your identity (sort of an intangible and hard to explain to people) and sometimes you lose income, property, friends, in-laws and more. Everyone goes through this alone to a large extent. Grief counselling groups help you see that you are not the only one having trouble but I'm not sure how helpful they actually are other than the social support...which is important. I sat in a chair for a year and a half, felt terrible and did very little that was productive...but I wasn't self-destructive.

Your brain chemistry gets messed up when you are in deep grief and pathological grief is rare but lethal so it is important to seek help if you are becoming self-destructive or becoming sick.

People cope differently. I finally made a to-do list and, like a robot, started checking things off. I could see progress each day. I made mistakes and bad decisions but I eventually reinvented my life as a single person while keeping what was most important from my past life. I learned that I could make friends on my own. I can live and manage as a single person and enjoy it but I still miss common and trivial things like routine conversation and cooking for one person is a challenge sometimes. I still have a few hangups...I can go out to eat in a restaurant by myself but have a hard time going to church alone. I can take a vacation by myself if no one else is available. I'm retired but keep busy at home with projects but I get out of the house and go somewhere every day.
How long have you been single?

I'm going to grief counseling and it helps for that hour but the rest of the time I go home to an empty house. At least the cats are there. People are acting weird too, at least her friends and family are. Keeping their distance but maybe that's a good thing.

Interesting what you said about losing your identity. My wife said her parents treated her completely differently when she got married, as if she was now someone they could relate to.
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