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Old 03-18-2014, 02:48 PM
 
182 posts, read 71,003 times
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When my 12 year old son passed away suddenly 14 years ago I thought I was going to die too. I know what it is like to have your heart broken. I had other children to care for, he was my youngest. The only thing I can say to someone who has lost a child is that you will never get over it, but you can teach yourself to live with it. Also, I know I will be with him again, I know that with every fiber of my being or I wouldn't be able to live at all.
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Old 03-18-2014, 02:56 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,234 posts, read 2,990,409 times
Reputation: 9630
artisan4 ---

I've been on my own 6 1/2 years. I have a cat that is trying to converse but he has a limited vocabulary...mostly about food, water and litter box. It is hard to separate yourself from that "married couple" identity, especially with old friends. I've mentioned this before but the key for me was learning to say "yes" to social invitations or events. I made the effort to make new friends who did not know me as part of a pair. That helped me see myself differently and now my old friends recognize the difference, as well.

I lived as a single person about 5 years before I was married so I knew I could do it and some of those old skills came back. I also have a small family and don't deal with relatives or in-laws very often. Those two things might have made my transition easier.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:53 AM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,912,743 times
Reputation: 1723
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
artisan4 ---

I've been on my own 6 1/2 years. I have a cat that is trying to converse but he has a limited vocabulary...mostly about food, water and litter box. It is hard to separate yourself from that "married couple" identity, especially with old friends. I've mentioned this before but the key for me was learning to say "yes" to social invitations or events. I made the effort to make new friends who did not know me as part of a pair. That helped me see myself differently and now my old friends recognize the difference, as well.

I lived as a single person about 5 years before I was married so I knew I could do it and some of those old skills came back. I also have a small family and don't deal with relatives or in-laws very often. Those two things might have made my transition easier.

My wife passed away a month and a half ago. I basically spend time at home either functioning on autopilot or weeping. Good times...good times. Although I do feel better than in February. Good point about invitations although have not had many of those lately. I think I need to drag myself out of the house more.

My two cats do their best to understand what I'm saying, waiting for me to tie it all in with birds.
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Old 03-19-2014, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Texas
42,369 posts, read 50,117,354 times
Reputation: 67383
Quote:
Originally Posted by njmike View Post
I tend to withdraw and keep to myself for a period of time.
Same
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Old 03-19-2014, 05:23 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,632 posts, read 18,285,705 times
Reputation: 19021
Quote:
Originally Posted by njmike View Post
I tend to withdraw and keep to myself for a period of time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4 View Post
Same
Me three but it's most of the time with me.
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Old 03-23-2014, 09:02 PM
 
1,638 posts, read 2,488,541 times
Reputation: 2693
Grief for me has evolved over the past few years.

I started grieving my stepmother before she died (she was terminal, and very young, so it hit me like a brick wall). I did a lot of crying. I did a lot of praying and talking to whoever was listening. I withdrew. I clung to my father (and he clung to me for strength). I pondered life a lot, I wondered how we could possibly be happy, what would become of my father, etc. I worried a lot about things that hadn't happened yet.

The day that she died, I was coming home from a long weekend with friends. I lived about 7 hours away at the time. My father called me around 3pm (the minute I stepped in my door), and informed me she had died. I did a load of laundry, called my employer to tell them I needed another week off, went to the store to buy a black dress, and drove the 7 hours home. I remember being so distraught I could hardly drive, but I couldn't be away from my father and my home another day.

That night was surreal, but I remember being home as very calming.

Today, about a year and a half later, my grief has evolved. I "remember" her by living a full, vivacious, and joyous life. I take calculated risks with my career, I meet new people, I try new things. I read more books, watch less tv, and watch the sunsets. I don't worry about the day to day pettiness, and I am truly in love with my life. I talk to my father all day (goofy texts and calls a few times a week), and he is my best friend. The one thing she taught me was that nobody ever died wishing they worked more, and only to feel bad for yourself 15 minutes a day. These things keep me balanced. My heart hurts for her every day, but I know if I didn't fully squeeze every day for what it's worth, she'd be disappointed. I get very down now that I'm getting to the age where I'm thinking about marriage/children/etc (she was in my life since I was 4, truly a mother to me) and I feel real sorry for myself thinking she won't be around. I turn it around by thinking what an honor and a privilege it is to have (and to have had!) so much love in my life and it makes it all better.

I cannot imagine the grief my father faces, however I know he is living fully as I am. He is really getting out there and making it work, even though he has some "hard" days.

Hugs to everyone grieving. I know it's not easy to try and stay positive, but I know it helps me. My world is more beautiful because she existed. Her death was tragic, but it made me realize how much beauty there is, even when the world is dark. I'm thankful that I learned this by age 21, some people struggle their whole lives...

Edit: Writing this made me tear up. The world works in mysterious ways! So much joy, so much sadness, but what a beautiful ride. Can't deny it.
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Old 03-24-2014, 12:17 AM
 
6,319 posts, read 5,410,957 times
Reputation: 11919
I cry.

I talk.

I ask people for help and support and if they don't give it, I pay someone to.

There are loads of grief counsellors around, grief doesn't just come with death but also divorce, estrangement, unemployment, losing a pet or a home.

It sucks but it's part of life.

I have friends who have gone through sudden losses back-to-back, and they tell me it takes years to recover fully.
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Old 03-24-2014, 05:43 AM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,912,743 times
Reputation: 1723
Quote:
Originally Posted by lmw36 View Post
Grief for me has evolved over the past few years.

I started grieving my stepmother before she died (she was terminal, and very young, so it hit me like a brick wall). I did a lot of crying. I did a lot of praying and talking to whoever was listening. I withdrew. I clung to my father (and he clung to me for strength). I pondered life a lot, I wondered how we could possibly be happy, what would become of my father, etc. I worried a lot about things that hadn't happened yet.

The day that she died, I was coming home from a long weekend with friends. I lived about 7 hours away at the time. My father called me around 3pm (the minute I stepped in my door), and informed me she had died. I did a load of laundry, called my employer to tell them I needed another week off, went to the store to buy a black dress, and drove the 7 hours home. I remember being so distraught I could hardly drive, but I couldn't be away from my father and my home another day.

That night was surreal, but I remember being home as very calming.

Today, about a year and a half later, my grief has evolved. I "remember" her by living a full, vivacious, and joyous life. I take calculated risks with my career, I meet new people, I try new things. I read more books, watch less tv, and watch the sunsets. I don't worry about the day to day pettiness, and I am truly in love with my life. I talk to my father all day (goofy texts and calls a few times a week), and he is my best friend. The one thing she taught me was that nobody ever died wishing they worked more, and only to feel bad for yourself 15 minutes a day. These things keep me balanced. My heart hurts for her every day, but I know if I didn't fully squeeze every day for what it's worth, she'd be disappointed. I get very down now that I'm getting to the age where I'm thinking about marriage/children/etc (she was in my life since I was 4, truly a mother to me) and I feel real sorry for myself thinking she won't be around. I turn it around by thinking what an honor and a privilege it is to have (and to have had!) so much love in my life and it makes it all better.

I cannot imagine the grief my father faces, however I know he is living fully as I am. He is really getting out there and making it work, even though he has some "hard" days.

Hugs to everyone grieving. I know it's not easy to try and stay positive, but I know it helps me. My world is more beautiful because she existed. Her death was tragic, but it made me realize how much beauty there is, even when the world is dark. I'm thankful that I learned this by age 21, some people struggle their whole lives...

Edit: Writing this made me tear up. The world works in mysterious ways! So much joy, so much sadness, but what a beautiful ride. Can't deny it.
This post is inspirational to me-thank you.
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Old 03-24-2014, 09:29 AM
 
25,554 posts, read 23,434,152 times
Reputation: 15385
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatwomanofV View Post
It seems that in the last 6 years, my family has lost so many. It started in Feb. 2008 with the lost of my grandmother who was 99 1/2 years young. Yeah, it was hard losing her but she lived to a ripe age and I was able to handle it ok. Then in Nov. 2008, we lost my oldest sister. She was only 54 years old. While I wasn't that close to her, her death hit me super hard. I went into such a depression.

On April 11th, 2012, I lost my father & my husband's father-ON THE SAME DAY!!!! My father's sister died about 4 months before he did. Then one April 21st, 2013, I lost my mother.

One of my sisters has it even worse than I do. She lost her brother-in-law, & uncle-in-law who she & her husband were VERY close to.

I just feel like my grief weighs me down sometimes. I feel like I wear it every day. I try not to think about it but it is always there. And I am so afraid of losing my husband which I know will happen since he is 17 years my senior.

How do you deal with your grief and can anyone give me any pointers on how I can deal with mine any better because I feel like I am not dealing with it very well.

Thanks.


Cat
First I'd like to say, that I'm so sorry for your losses...it is very difficult...and the only thing I can tell you is, every one is different, therefore, everyone's grief process is different.

Just try and stay positive, busy and involved in positive situations right now...don't put yourself into any depressing or negative situations, even people, if someone makes you unhappy, stay away for a while until the grieving process is better....

Hope things do become more possitive and relaxed for you.
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Old 04-10-2014, 07:51 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,791 posts, read 19,201,306 times
Reputation: 14855
How do you deal with anger/disappointment at those that didn't even bother to acknowledge or send any sympathy? Let alone those that haven't checked in- you get "call if you need me" "call any time" - do they not realize I need a call?
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