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Old 04-11-2014, 03:29 AM
 
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
5,508 posts, read 2,589,479 times
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I don't have the answer. My heart goes out to you. I too have lost a loved one - my son. He took his life nearly three months ago and I am not dealing with it very well. I cry a lot - every day! Lately thoughts of not wanting to live have entered my mind. Not thoughts of suicide - just not wanting to live. But I don't feel that way all the time, just on and off. Apparently that is normal in grief.
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Old 04-11-2014, 06:38 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
How do you deal with anger/disappointment at those that didn't even bother to acknowledge or send any sympathy? Let alone those that haven't checked in- you get "call if you need me" "call any time" - do they not realize I need a call?
Flamingo, you cannot expect people to do what you think they should do. I relize the grief your in presently, and it is awful....however, at a time like this, people do not know what to do or say b/c they cannot do anything to help you feel better. And yes, they do realize you need a call, but fear interferring or making you feel worse, so if you have a need for a friend, I suggest you take them up on their offering....and if they are good friends, they will listen.
Way to many of us, feel that others should think and feel like we do, however, others will never be able to live up to our expectations, so, in that, we are setting them and us up to fail everytime...don't do that....or expect.
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Old 04-11-2014, 06:39 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 303Guy View Post
I don't have the answer. My heart goes out to you. I too have lost a loved one - my son. He took his life nearly three months ago and I am not dealing with it very well. I cry a lot - every day! Lately thoughts of not wanting to live have entered my mind. Not thoughts of suicide - just not wanting to live. But I don't feel that way all the time, just on and off. Apparently that is normal in grief.
It is, and it will pass, but not by iteself, you've got to help it along, if you can, and move on....baby steps....one day at a time, sending hugs.
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:36 AM
Status: "Techno-challenged anonymous repper" (set 19 days ago)
 
1,151 posts, read 922,696 times
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My husband died in 2006 and if anything, I'm worse now. He died of liver failure (alcoholism to be precise), & I don't know which is worse; watching him die a slow horrible death that could have been prevented....or being so damn angry at him that almost 8 yrs later here I am still wallowing in my self pity.

I have my good days to be sure...but I just this year finally decided to get counseling so I can move on. Right after he died, all I heard was "Don't make any decisions for a year"..."take your time"..."it's ok to be sad"..... .. So I took that year alright....but let it swallow me. I would hear "fake it til you make it". - put on a smile so your friends & family think you're ok. Except I'm tired if faking it & I'm not ok. Last week I went to my nephew's funeral...he died of a heroin overdose. I've been to many funerals since my husband died, but my nephew's brought it all back...the addictive behavior & how it didn't have to be this way.

Catwoman, your losses are truly too much too soon....I don't know how you grieve that...just hang on because, as Al Anderson sings in Trip Around The Sun, "it wouldn't change a thing if I let go".

Flamingo, oh dear, that is just so recent...just breathe. And when you think you are ready, think about the post above and the legacy our loved ones leave. As hard as it is to think about the why & how my husband & nephew died - the coulda shoulda woulda - I have some really wonderful memories of them both. Generous, funny, kind souls...we take what we can & hold it close to us.
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:41 AM
Status: "Techno-challenged anonymous repper" (set 19 days ago)
 
1,151 posts, read 922,696 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Faith2187 View Post

Anyway, someone told me, the whenever someone passed away close to her, she would think about their legacy--as in what did that person stand for, what was that person always known to do, and how can you apply that to your life? A friend of mine lost a friend, that was someone who always did exactly what she set out to do. She didn't "talk" the talk, she walked it. And so the legacy this friend took was "to just do it" and that is what she does, constantly thinking upon her friend who just did it.


Anyway, there are days where it's very difficult, and I let myself feel the pain and heartache and I cry and I miss her. And then I think about her legacy, and happy moments and I almost always smile, especially since I have the knowledge that she is in such a great place right now and is very happy and that I'll join her and see her again, when my time is up too.

In the last three years, I've lost an uncle, my mother, and most recently my grandmother(my mother's mother), and all of them effected me in different ways. I do know that life is too short, and that the people you lost, that love you, would want you to move forward and make the most of the time you have left here.
I will have this post in my head all day. Legacies. Thank you.
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:49 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Now I'm not one to rely on worldly churches, but I do believe in God's church, but once I heard a minister say something that really stuck in my mind...maybe this will help....

It was at a funeral....

When we loose our loved ones, it is our loss and a great loss, one of which cannot be imagined, and to each his own, so grieve, grieve, and then let go, b/c they are now in a place we cannot touch until it is our time. A place much more beautiful then we can ever begin to imagine....a place we would want them to be, free of all pain and heart ache....therefore, grieve, grieve and then let go. Because, we grieve for our own loss, our loved one isn't there for us any longer....and that is on our parts very selfish not to let them go....set them free, as they would you, and move on, b/c if they really love you and you love them, nothing would make them more happier then to see you grow...to see you happy and prospering the true wealth and gift of life...

it has helped me in the loss of my loved ones, maybe it will some of you?
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:53 AM
 
Location: 500 miles from home
27,237 posts, read 15,024,326 times
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Wow. I'm still working on mine. I feel like I shouldn't be grieving at all for my father. After all, he was 92 and lived a long and happy life!!! I've heard that about 1000 times now.

Yet I am sad. He lived with my son and I; he was my son's best friend and role model and active up until the last 2 days of his life.

I regret every minute that I was busy with stupid, mundane things instead of spending more time with him. I should have done more; I could have done more.

Yet, it's true I felt the weight of him too. Always present; always needing; along with my son both needing different things at the same time ~ in the last 5 years of his life.

Thinking of ALL he has done for me and my son; all the good times we had; glad that my son had a role model of someone that loved his family and stood up for what is good and right. He was a military man with a kind and gentle nature.

Feeling guilty that I moved when he was in his late 80's, resulting in him starting over and having to move in with us and, thus, losing his independence. A huge adjustment for all of us.

Thinking of his last moments, of death, of the great love and fear that comes with that last breath; thinking of how strong my son was and the beautiful eulogy he gave for his Grandad; and how he held his hand while he was dying.

Then I cry. While I'm at work. Where everything seems totally meaningless.

This will be my second Saturday without my Dad. And, in the words of my son, a world without his Grandad in it doesn't seem like much of a world at all.
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Old 04-11-2014, 07:57 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by njmike View Post
I tend to withdraw and keep to myself for a period of time.
I do the same, reason being, it is very awkward for most other people, most others try to give you some time...and I find that people don't really want to hear negative all the time....and I know during a loss like this, they are there for you if you need them, but there is really nothing they can do or say that will take the emptiness away, only time and hard work does that....
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Old 04-11-2014, 08:02 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,273,196 times
Reputation: 15310
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ringo1 View Post
Wow. I'm still working on mine. I feel like I shouldn't be grieving at all for my father. After all, he was 92 and lived a long and happy life!!! I've heard that about 1000 times now.

Yet I am sad. He lived with my son and I; he was my son's best friend and role model and active up until the last 2 days of his life.

I regret every minute that I was busy with stupid, mundane things instead of spending more time with him. I should have done more; I could have done more.

Yet, it's true I felt the weight of him too. Always present; always needing; along with my son both needing different things at the same time ~ in the last 5 years of his life.

Thinking of ALL he has done for me and my son; all the good times we had; glad that my son had a role model of someone that loved his family and stood up for what is good and right. He was a military man with a kind and gentle nature.

Feeling guilty that I moved when he was in his late 80's, resulting in him starting over and having to move in with us and, thus, losing his independence. A huge adjustment for all of us.

Thinking of his last moments, of death, of the great love and fear that comes with that last breath; thinking of how strong my son was and the beautiful eulogy he gave for his Grandad; and how he held his hand while he was dying.

Then I cry. While I'm at work. Where everything seems totally meaningless.

This will be my second Saturday without my Dad. And, in the words of my son, a world without his Grandad in it doesn't seem like much of a world at all.
we all go thru this, honestly, we do, and I'm so sorry for your loss....but, remember, the good instead of the bad, you can't be there with them 24/7 and he realized, you had your own busy life to take care of, so in as much as you do feel guilty for not spending more time with him, remember, at least your dad, got to spend a lot of quality time with your child, his grandson, and in that he was blessed. A whole lot of children do not take their elderly parents in, so in that he was even more blessed....you did good kido, I also felt the weight of my mom the last 5 years, it was horrible, she wasn't the same person, and she was so angry at loosing her independence....and we did argue a lot....guilt, is awful. Don't beat yourself up, be thankful for everything you have and move on, you have a child that needs a good parent, a parent that will teach him how to be independent, polite, caring, and be an asset to this community we call life. Sending hugs....
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Old 04-11-2014, 05:54 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,713 posts, read 19,047,945 times
Reputation: 14668
I found a local grief support group (non-religious) for widows/widowers - they added an additional session because of the demand (initially I saw it was tomorrow afternoon but booked up, they added a 4-5:30) - lasts 6 weeks, considering that I'm now melting down, I hoping this will help
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