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Old 04-11-2014, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,506 posts, read 23,184,639 times
Reputation: 8832

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OP I am so sorry. Its an individual thing for sure. My best friend has terminal cancer. I found some grief info here:

Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums

It is a very hard journey and no one needs to hear platitudes and minimization of how you feel. Hope it all works out and I will light a candle for you. Our society seems to still be very resistant to dealing with grief. It seems odd. My friends chemo dr is from Europe and I have had some interesting discussions on "western" ideas that turn out to be incorrect. God Bless you and help you through.
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Old 04-11-2014, 06:42 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,506 posts, read 23,184,639 times
Reputation: 8832
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
How do you deal with anger/disappointment at those that didn't even bother to acknowledge or send any sympathy? Let alone those that haven't checked in- you get "call if you need me" "call any time" - do they not realize I need a call?
rep for u again I posted a link. writing can help....

I lost my Mom at age 20, and learned the hard way those "helpful platitudes" like "anything we can do to help" etc...sometimes dissipate.

The best way to carry on is do what you need to for you- some people have no psychological insight and refrain from funerals and grief like the plague.

try to do something for you, and not worry about "others". Expecting helpful behavior from them is often a major disappointment, just from my experience. Hope this helps.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:14 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,083,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
I found a local grief support group (non-religious) for widows/widowers - they added an additional session because of the demand (initially I saw it was tomorrow afternoon but booked up, they added a 4-5:30) - lasts 6 weeks, considering that I'm now melting down, I hoping this will help
Glad that you have found a place.

Certainly we are not all made alike in our reactions, but let me give you a thumbnail of what my experience in such a group.

The first session I felt relief at having found a place to take my grief, I was also ill-at-ease (almost everyone was), and then I felt at the end: Is this all it is?

About session three I realized that it was helpful, and the grief-only focus, where I did not have to tone myself to the expectations of people who were not in the same emotional space really was very good for me.

By the end I was better balanced, and I did realize that it had not "solved the problem"...but I could really believe that living life was going was going to put my grief in a new perspective(s) as new things occurred, as I changed, as time moved on.

I wish that it will be a helpful experience for you.
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Old 04-12-2014, 07:28 AM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,900,640 times
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I find it interesting that after my wife's memorial, everyone disappeared. I have a grief group I go to every two weeks but most people have vanished into the ether. Oh well.
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Old 04-12-2014, 09:10 AM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,715 posts, read 19,054,470 times
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Thank you, hoping this helps.
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Old 04-12-2014, 06:25 PM
 
Location: Maryland
421 posts, read 885,092 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Flamingo13 View Post
Can anyone help with sites to read, etc.? I'm not sure of proper Google terms/phrasing, but that isn't working - I need something to research, friends say "call anytime" but I'm a person that doesn't want to "intrude", even though they say it isn't - I know it is - they have their lives. I find myself drinking to dull everything, that makes me more depressed - I don't even know where to start (it's been 2 weeks, I need to pick up remains and can't bring myself to do that, I'm not religious so folks that say such things aren't helping) - sorry to put things out - I just want to go back to how things were, crawl into a hole somewhere, pretend it isn't real, thoughts are all over the board.
Grief never ends. It does get better over time, but the hole in your heart is constant. I have lost many of my family members through violence, but it's something I don't feel like taking about right now.

There are answers as to why things happened the way they did and to whom. Reading books is like reading a menu and thinking you have eaten the meal. That's not the way it works. There are experiences that you can have, which I have, that have helped me enough to stop wondering "why". If you think there aren't answers you won't look for them and then you won't find them and you have a perfect self fulfilling destiny.

If you want some sites to check out, I recommend these:

www.gerorgeanderson.com

www.brianweiss.com

Take care.

Last edited by seethelight; 04-12-2014 at 07:42 PM.. Reason: clairification
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:24 AM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
4,669 posts, read 6,740,923 times
Reputation: 7078
Quote:
Originally Posted by artisan4 View Post
I find it interesting that after my wife's memorial, everyone disappeared. I have a grief group I go to every two weeks but most people have vanished into the ether. Oh well.
After my husband's memorial, people went back to their lives (they hadn't left them other than the 2 hours they came to pay tribute to him) and it made me so angry to see them acting normal, like nothing happened. We were from a small town in CO, so I was surprised that my husband was so easily forgotten, and that life went back to (their) normal so quickly. I felt like I was left holding the bag. Now, 4 1/2 years later, I understand that, but I sure didn't then. Time does make grief easier, but it never goes away. Somedays, something will set me off, and I'll burst out crying, and even talking about my husband, even to our kids, will make me get a lump in my throat and choke up. I don't know when that will ever go away.
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Old 04-13-2014, 12:37 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,083,410 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcy1210 View Post
After my husband's memorial, people went back to their lives (they hadn't left them other than the 2 hours they came to pay tribute to him) and it made me so angry to see them acting normal, like nothing happened. We were from a small town in CO, so I was surprised that my husband was so easily forgotten, and that life went back to (their) normal so quickly. I felt like I was left holding the bag. Now, 4 1/2 years later, I understand that, but I sure didn't then. Time does make grief easier, but it never goes away. Somedays, something will set me off, and I'll burst out crying, and even talking about my husband, even to our kids, will make me get a lump in my throat and choke up. I don't know when that will ever go away.
My mother experienced the same thing many years ago, similar small town environment...my father a very popular man. For many reasons she was bitter and angry - that unfortunately was a basic component of her personality, but this drove her over the top. And when her sister's husband died just about six weeks later, my mother was an unsympathetic b*tch-on-wheels.

It passed when my childhood dentist took an interest in her, in fact it vanished within a couple of weeks. And when she married him, she began a new and more satisfying life than she had since leaving her own father's home many decades ago.

I wasn't left angry by the experience, merely quite surprised; but it did give me a far better understanding of how isolated my aunt felt who did not remarry.
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Old 04-13-2014, 02:26 AM
 
Location: Auckland, New Zealand
5,509 posts, read 2,591,975 times
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Having recently lost my son and feeling it very intensely, I decided to go camping at the place we last camped with him. He was happy and full of life on that occasion so my idea was to recreate the scene. I put up his tent where he had it and ours in the same spot. I pictured him being there. At times I could feel his presence but not strongly. Even so, It gave me a great deal of peace. I had an A4 photo of him taken there to remind me of his smile and presence there. There was a background tugging at my heart from time to time but I resolved to make this place a happy memory place.

Denver with my niece's daughter.
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Old 04-14-2014, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,715 posts, read 19,054,470 times
Reputation: 14688
I want to report back on my experience (first support meeting of six) - there were 9 of us along w/2 volunteers that run the group. I actually starting crying pretty much immediately, the group introduced themselves and talked about their situation (I wasn't able to do that initially as I was too upset). I have to tell you - I found this so cathartic! We all cried, offered tips, etc. - when I came home I was pretty much a basket case (as I was the next day as well). I hadn't really accepted it I guess and hadn't really grieved (initial phone calls were tough though), most folks were just asking what I was going to do, etc. (like I was even THINKING then, let alone clearly).

After crying/sobbing that night (and being on the phone w/two good friends), crying most of the next day - I realized I hadn't let myself just grieve (and that was much needed).

I recommend trying to find some kind of support group, I wasn't ready immediately when his cousin suggested it (w/i days... TOO soon for me at least).
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