When someone remembers something different than it happened
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Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I had a similar experience when my husband died. We had a casual get together rather than a funeral, but many people told warm, funny, sweet, and sentimental stories of him. These were business associates, neighbors, friends, and our oldest daughter. She got up and told some warm, endearing stories of things she and my husband/her dad experienced growing up, only most of them weren't exactly true. They were really embellished, almost unrecognizable stories. Their basis was true, but they in no way resembled what actually happened. Some of us looked at each other like "Were we at the same dinner?" or "Where was I when that happened?" She had her own version of many childhood experiences that just didn't happen that way, and it was interesting listening to her "revisionist" history as Pekemom said. She still does that when recounting incidents. They're just not accurate. I agree with the others that it's her way of feeling happy when maybe it wasn't all that great of an experience. You just have to let them have their memories even if you know they're not accurate. It doesn't do any good to confront them as they're so convinced things happened as they have recounted them, you'll just meet with anger or hurt. I let my daughter remember what she chooses to, even though I know she's not accurate, because I can't convince her she has faulty memories.
Everyone experiences things differently and remembers what was important to them. That's probably why eye witnesses are so unreliable. It's not really because they're lying under oath. Our brain adds things to create an acceptable story. I'm sure I have memories of my son that are just odds and ends fit together. Truth can be too painful.
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MaggieZ is right - people embellish and change the way they remember things for numerous reasons, many of which aren't mean-spirited or intentional.
I kept a detailed journal when my father was hospitalized after a horrific accident. It was how I dealt with the nightmare of it all. My entire family wound up spending 24/7 at the hospital for that last week of his life. I carefully wrote down quotes from different sibs, had notes from the doctors and nurses, and really had a complete and fairly accurate portrait of what happened. A few years later I published a book with a chapter that included some of those items from the journal. My older brother called me incensed over some of the things I had written. Nothing put anyone in a bad light, I was just reporting. He claimed I had made the entire thing up and should retract the entire book! His version of events were so off the charts and different from my carefully documented journal that I felt like I had entered the twilight zone. I wished I could get on a time machine and take him with me.
So... what can you do?
Forgiveness frees you. It doesn't excuse the other person's behavior.
You can write her a letter and detail all the hurt, all the pain, all the confusion from her statements. Then set it on fire. Then do it again. And again, and again. Each time you write down the pain it subsides. Soon you may have a simple statement you can say to her... or not. The main thing is that YOU are at peace.
Well I came here to talk about it and I am glad that I am not alone in the situation. (Not that I want anyone else to have to deal with it either)
We all went together to celebrate my mothers birthday, and her life. Other than that, it was really a good time we had. We laughed and had fun, and even cried a little.
My brother and I cleaned both of my parents stones and I also cleaned my aunt and uncles stones as well.
It was just a few of her comments that took me the wrong way. I felt like it probably was easier for her to remember it her way....
Yes, it is human nature to remember what they want to remember. Your sister remembers the times she gave care to your mom and that fills her memory. She is not being mean or malicious. If she does bring it up again, I would say..." I know how hard it was when I took care of mom every single day, but it was so worth it. I am so glad you got to share that experience with me. It really meant a lot to mom when you did that." ( and say it in a nice way)
Meyerland is right, just let it be and try to not worry about who's right or wrong. It's not going to help, on the contrary...
I talk to a few of my ex sisters in law and they remember their mom as being an angel who underwent such hardships and they make excuses for how she treated them. Being on the outside looking in, I have a totally different bunch of memories. I found her to be a horrible, mean spirited person. But saying that to them and trying to break down their beautiful memories, serves no purpose at this time. She's died and they're getting older too...
Even though at times I'd like to scream when they carry on about how great life was with her... I remember them complaining daily about her.
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I think you are correct. I think your sister has to believe it happened the way she "remembers" it because she might be carrying guilt that would overwhelm her. It sounds as if your siblings kept their distance during your mom's illness, and that they have no idea of all you did and went through.
For various reasons, some of my siblings do not see my mother as often as I do, although none of them have disconnected with her completely. I also had a brother who died who lived with my mother until his death. She took care of him as he was dying from cirrhosis caused by Hepatitis, C, which he picked up years earlier when he'd used heroin. Some of those same siblings also avoided my brother. He could be a jerk and he had the self-centered personality of an addict, even though he had been drug-free for years.
My brother had come close to death a few times before, but when it became evident that the end was near for my brother for real, I had to call some of those other sibs and tell them that if they wanted to see him alive again to get there fast, and if they could help Mom get through this, it might be a good idea. One sister, a nurse, has the most reason to be distant from my mother, but she stepped up and went to the hospital with my mother and was there with her when my brother died. Another sister, who has a lot of anger simmering about both my mother and my brother, completely avoided the situation and then seemed genuinely shocked when he died and also pretends she "never knew" that he had Hep C.
Families can be weird. You know what your story is, OP, and that's really all that matters.
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