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Over the weekend my mother called to let me know that my grandfather was dying. He was 90 years old in February and had alzheimers. Apparently he was getting sicker and although his heart was still strong there was not much more the doctors could do for him. He was in pain and they decided to take him off all machines and just make him comfortable. Unfortunately he was allergic to morphine and other typical pain medications. The doctors did the best they could but I don't think they were able to really keep him "pain free".
He died last night.
The thing is, that side of the family is a bit on the dramatic side and many of the brothers, sisters, children, grand-children, etc are estranged and have been for quite some time. I hadn't seen my grandfather since I don't know when.
While I feel sad for the loss, I don't feel all that upset. And to some extent I feel pretty bad about that. He was my grandfather after all.
I guess everyone has different levels of grief for people in their lives, and I probably just needed to get this out somehow. Anyone out there have a similar experience?
I was not estranged from my grandmother, but my reaction was pretty low-key. Nothing wrong with that. She was 88 and if she hadn't fallen and broken her hip, she would have had a far more drawn out death from the stage 4 lung cancer she had just been diagnosed with.
She was on and off a ventilator, but was lucid and upbeat until about 48-hours before her death. Everyone in the family visited to say their goodbyes. She was in some pain, but having watched two other relatives die of metastatic lung cancer, I think this was far less painful.
She had maybe another year or two left if she hadn't fallen before the lung cancer would have taken her, and it wouldn't have been at all pretty. And she was EIGHTY FREAKIN' EIGHT.
I had relatives wailing and begging for her to "fight" to live. I restrained myself from letting them know how I really felt, but I was pretty cranked that they were basically making my grandmother feel guilty for doing the natural thing at her age and dying peacefully. But everyone grieves in their own way, and it was none of my business.
You've got a right to feel how you feel. Your grandfather was way old and he didn't have any meaningful quality of life, it sounds like. There is a sort of blessing in his passing.
I didn't cry that much when my grandmother passed a few years ago, but when my OTHER grandmother died about a decade ago at 96, I bawled my eyes out. Mainly because I was so sad that she had lived her final years in pain and confusion and suffered so much despite being one of the sweetest people I've ever known. Her death was YEARS in them making, and it was not easy on her. Some of that grief was guilt, too, because maybe I could have done more for her, you know?
My more recently deceased grandmother was spared that, and I am grateful.
You're not doing anything wrong. Own your feelings, and don't let anyone give you any crap over it.
Thanks Jrz - it helps to hear that others have felt the same way.
It's sort of like some stranger died, but he wasn't a stranger. It's weird. I'm grateful that no one is making me feel bad about the way I feel.
Glad I could help.
It could conceivably hit you later (I've had that happen), but I think you've probably accepted his death as HIS best possible outcome. People don't recover from Alzheimer's, and it sounds like he was in a lot of pain.
Mourning doesn't always have to be a dramatic expression of grief. Sometimes it's just a sad acceptance that this is the way life sometimes goes.
You are being quite normal. Losing a parent when one is adult and they are old and have dementia is sad but expected. Losing your child is something quite different. Try not to do that. Losing a parent when one is a child I should imagine would be quite hard and I don't wish it on any child.
When my mother died I wept a little but not much. However, I found that whenever I saw an old lady dressed like she did or who walked like she did it would hit me quite hard. This continued for a good number of years. Even now I sometimes think of her and feel a sadness that she is gone. When my grandfather died I was still a kid and I did not weep - that's because there had been a false alarm a few weeks before when they thought he was dying. I wept then.
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