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Old 05-05-2014, 05:18 PM
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811


Artisan, forgive me but you said you are 52, correct? How old is this "woman" with the 3 yr old? Why pick a female who wants to be only friends, has a 3 yr old that needs to go on your "dates" if there is no babysitter.

Seems to me you are making it tough on yourself. Most people who do not heed the one year advice, usually end up regretting it.
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:09 PM
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,510,896 times
Reputation: 13349
Taz, I think it's a good idea to go out with a gal who only wants to be friends, as long as they keep it that way. I think it's important for widows/widowers to maintain a social life without any waiting period. Most of us still like to dine out now and then, maybe even take in a movie or stage show, visit a casino, go for a drive, etc. As long as both understand that it's not for romance, going out with the opposite sex is fine, imho. I certainly don't regret that I had a couple lady friends to spend some time with. One obviously wanted more than that, and the other did too, I guess, but we kept it to friendly hugs and cheek kisses and it was nice. It sure beat staying home by myself or going out for dinner alone.
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Old 05-05-2014, 07:42 PM
Location: Logan Township, Minnesota
15,511 posts, read 12,502,834 times
Reputation: 7377
Originally Posted by artisan4 View Post
My wife died of cancer three months ago. I'm not the basket case I was nowadays, but of course my life partner is gone and frankly I'm pretty lonely. I am 52. I wondered what others' experiences are/ were in this situation. Thanks.
I can only say I feel for your pain.

I lost my first wife when I was 49. never planned to remarry did not date, yet about a year later a woman came into my life. We never did date. In less then a year we were married. Seemed to be the right thing to do. We were together for 17 years before she passed away. I went into a very deep depression.

But soon after I came out of my depression my current wife came into my life. We signed our Nikkah (Islamic Marriage contract) by mail exchange 6 days later and met each other in person a month later. We have now been together for 6 years.

One never knows what will come into our lives until after it happens.
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Old 05-05-2014, 08:47 PM
Status: "Techno-challenged anonymous repper" (set 19 days ago)
1,151 posts, read 922,696 times
Reputation: 1957
artisan4, my husband died almost 8 yrs ago. I'm relatively young - I was only 45 when he passed - and I have dated just twice. Both were just in the last year. I am just not feeling it; and even tho it's been too long...if it's not there I'm not going to force it.

Compare that to both my sister-in-law, & a close friend. They both began a serious relationship less than 6 months after being widowed. One was truly happy with her new beau until she sadly passed from cancer. The other is still happy & in love going on ten years now.

My marriage was really, really hard. While both my friend's & sister-in-law's marriages were very happy. We talked at great length one night and all agreed on what we see in so many relationships involving widowed spouses: Those with the happiest marriages jump back in pretty quickly. And those with the difficult marriages are in no hurry to get involved again. Obviously, it's a biased view.

I see it as an encouraging sign that you are allowing the internal wheels to slowly start turning. I think you will know when the time (and person) is right. It sounds like you & your wife had a good thing. If you had been the one to die before her, would you want her to find love again fairly quickly? I know I would've wanted that for my spouse if I had been the one to die first; to be happy rather than lonely.
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Old 05-05-2014, 08:52 PM
Location: NW AR
2,438 posts, read 2,037,157 times
Reputation: 2245
It's been five years for me this month. The first year, I was pretty much in shock because I lost my dad a month later. Since then, everything I've tried has flopped in my face. ( I can laugh about right now anyway) The only thing left is selling my house. I could have put it on the market a couple of years ago but the housing market was bad. The location I have picked out has a church right beside that is huge ( with several services) and to other side of it, is a huge gym.

( This is my second attempt to post and my computer is messed up or something so I will continue this later)

Last edited by thegreenflute334; 05-05-2014 at 08:55 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 05-05-2014, 09:00 PM
Location: Glendale
1,243 posts, read 2,352,007 times
Reputation: 843
So sorry for your loss. I say a widow/er group. It's good to hang out with people who get it.

I sit back and watch some of the widowed folks I know revert straight back to high school. They want SO badly to be wanted that they fall for almost anyone who pays attention to them! And they the other person is the bad guy because....x, y, z.
Me? I just want someone to hang out with..go out on an outdoor adventure, a weekend to Vegas...whatever. AS FRIENDS!
It's not that I feel married, or guilty...I just don't want the romantic entanglement.
I have learned a lot over the last couple years on this widow journey....and I know...I bring a LOT to the table. I own my own home, cars... I have a job I love, and friends. I enjoy my own company, and the company of my 4 legged beasts. I don't NEED a man, or even sex...No, you're not going to spend the night, no, you won't be getting lucky.
Who knows what will happen down the line... for now, that's where I am.
Learn to be ok in your own skin....it takes a while...and that's ok!
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Old 05-05-2014, 09:25 PM
Location: NW AR
2,438 posts, read 2,037,157 times
Reputation: 2245
I will try this again.. Sorry for my failed attempts there.

I waited four years after to date and that was complete disaster. My SO was a very successful business man and so am I, but on a different level. I haven't met that mindset since and I know a lot of people. We both tended to be too serious and didn't know how to "play". He was very intuitive and an highly successful entrepreneur and didn't have to put up with anything he didn't have to. I am the same way.. I really don't have time for insecurities or a hundred questions from someone. I am not a pampering type of person, or a mother figure.

So, because I am all business and fully aware that my brain naturally won't play.. I'll have to change living environments to turn my brain on. The place I have picked out has easy access ( that's number one) a huge church with several services and a gym. Then we'll go from there.

My SO was single for 17 years before he met me.. and he always said that I was like him. He could have had his pick of anyone he wanted and several women did have the tendency to fall in love and want to marry him in a week. ( lol) He also had a sense of humor. I don't expect to replace him but I do know that the rest of my life will be business, if I don't change it in a way to where I think I can play..
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Old 05-06-2014, 08:56 AM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,172,988 times
Reputation: 3514
Loneliness is just part of the grief process. (To me.).. I feel lonely and I miss my husband and sons and other family members who passed-away...But, I know I have to "go on" without my loved ones. So I spend time with friends every so often and I force myself to get out on my "own.".. I try to find some joy and happiness in life even though I'm still working through my grief... I'm not ready to date yet. I still feel "bonded" to my husband. He's still "my guy" and my "sweetheart!" (Even though he passed-away 3-plus years ago.)
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Old 05-06-2014, 04:45 PM
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
IDK, that happy/unhappy saying sounds bassackwards to me but who am I??

I had a great marriage and have no desire to get married again. I'm doing okay in my own skin and I realize the lonely days will pass onto better ones. Those lonely days get less and less. The REAL lonely days. I miss him 24/7/365 but not like I used to. The pain is dull instead of sharp now. I am content with my life now. There is nothing I can do to change what happened so I learned to go with and live with the flow.
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Old 05-06-2014, 05:10 PM
Location: Orlando
1,792 posts, read 2,383,076 times
Reputation: 6412
My husband and I were very happily married for almost 23 years. I will not marry again. I was his caregiver for the last five years of his life, and I never want to go through anything like that again.
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