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Old 05-06-2014, 06:01 PM
 
819 posts, read 1,317,015 times
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I do a good bit of travelling - mostly cruises - and see men and women with their "companions." For the most part neither want to get married but enjoy each other's company and seem to have a good time together. I am still married and don't know which road I would go down if I were to find myself without my sweetie. My heart goes out to everyone who is hurting and missing their spouses. I wish you all happiness with whatever road you travel.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:17 AM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,899,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bridgerider View Post
artisan4, my husband died almost 8 yrs ago. I'm relatively young - I was only 45 when he passed - and I have dated just twice. Both were just in the last year. I am just not feeling it; and even tho it's been too long...if it's not there I'm not going to force it.

Compare that to both my sister-in-law, & a close friend. They both began a serious relationship less than 6 months after being widowed. One was truly happy with her new beau until she sadly passed from cancer. The other is still happy & in love going on ten years now.

My marriage was really, really hard. While both my friend's & sister-in-law's marriages were very happy. We talked at great length one night and all agreed on what we see in so many relationships involving widowed spouses: Those with the happiest marriages jump back in pretty quickly. And those with the difficult marriages are in no hurry to get involved again. Obviously, it's a biased view.

I see it as an encouraging sign that you are allowing the internal wheels to slowly start turning. I think you will know when the time (and person) is right. It sounds like you & your wife had a good thing. If you had been the one to die before her, would you want her to find love again fairly quickly? I know I would've wanted that for my spouse if I had been the one to die first; to be happy rather than lonely.
I feel some self-imposed time pressure, because time is flying by and yes I want to be happy and not sitting here obsessing about how I could have somehow saved her.
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Old 05-07-2014, 04:41 AM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,899,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
Artisan, forgive me but you said you are 52, correct? How old is this "woman" with the 3 yr old? Why pick a female who wants to be only friends, has a 3 yr old that needs to go on your "dates" if there is no babysitter.

Seems to me you are making it tough on yourself. Most people who do not heed the one year advice, usually end up regretting it.
She's 42, I only just discovered she wants to be friends. Obviously I've crossed her off the dating list.

What is the alternative if I want female company? I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing and apparently the Big Guy upstairs feels free to drop a Roadrunner anvil at will.
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Old 05-07-2014, 05:43 AM
Status: "Techno-challenged anonymous repper" (set 19 days ago)
 
1,151 posts, read 922,696 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv View Post
IDK, that happy/unhappy saying sounds bassackwards to me but who am I??

I had a great marriage and have no desire to get married again. I'm doing okay in my own skin and I realize the lonely days will pass onto better ones. Those lonely days get less and less. The REAL lonely days. I miss him 24/7/365 but not like I used to. The pain is dull instead of sharp now. I am content with my life now. There is nothing I can do to change what happened so I learned to go with and live with the flow.
I do think there is no right or wrong answer across the board. It is a very individual personal choice. I think artisan4, and anyone else who has lost someone, will ultimately do what works best for them.

I like what you said above about doing ok in your own skin....that to me is most important.
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Old 05-07-2014, 09:09 AM
 
Location: East Coast
2,877 posts, read 4,388,330 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artisan4 View Post
What is the alternative if I want female company? I feel like I'm wasting time doing nothing and apparently the Big Guy upstairs feels free to drop a Roadrunner anvil at will.
"Marry in haste, repent in leisure"...have you ever heard of that saying? You're only 52 and it's only been a few months, so please don't be in such a rush! Live your life, do your griefwork (and it IS work), and don't be so darned worried about finding another partner just yet. Put one foot in front of another and take each day as it comes.

As someone mentioned in another post, sometimes we (the widowed) aren't always thinking clearly after the death of a loved one. This could be happening with you. It won't be the end of the world if you wait a few more months to settle down, and it will be more fair to you and the other person involved.
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:33 PM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,899,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
My husband and I were very happily married for almost 23 years. I will not marry again. I was his caregiver for the last five years of his life, and I never want to go through anything like that again.
I completely understand. Caregiving is extremely stressful. I don't plan to marry again either.
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:36 PM
 
Location: Colorado
1,969 posts, read 1,899,684 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Woodrow LI View Post
I can only say I feel for your pain.

I lost my first wife when I was 49. never planned to remarry did not date, yet about a year later a woman came into my life. We never did date. In less then a year we were married. Seemed to be the right thing to do. We were together for 17 years before she passed away. I went into a very deep depression.

But soon after I came out of my depression my current wife came into my life. We signed our Nikkah (Islamic Marriage contract) by mail exchange 6 days later and met each other in person a month later. We have now been together for 6 years.

One never knows what will come into our lives until after it happens.
I am glad things got better for you. Patience is not one of my virtues. I am pretty depressed but also determined to not sit at home and obsess about her death, even though that happens.
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Old 05-07-2014, 12:50 PM
 
Location: Logan Township, Minnesota
15,511 posts, read 12,502,834 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by artisan4 View Post
I am glad things got better for you. Patience is not one of my virtues. I am pretty depressed but also determined to not sit at home and obsess about her death, even though that happens.
One never knows what will hap[pen. the unexpected sometimes becomes a pleasant surprize. i had never planned to remarry. did not seek to find anyone. Had no contact with any woman (Forbidden for a Muslim to Date etc) yet out of the unknown I found a wife.
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Old 05-08-2014, 08:32 AM
 
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,174,193 times
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I've had all kinds of feelings since my husband passed-away...Most of the time, I miss him and wish he was still here with me...Every now and then, I feel sorry for myself. And upset that my husband died so "early."...I know I still have a long ways to go when it comes to processing my grief. I don't want to rush right into the "arms" of someone "new." But I know I can't sit home and cry my eyes out every single day either...This is why I plan activities with friends every so often. Or I pursue some of my solitary interests, etc...I wouldn't want to bring my unresolved grief or my "unfinished business" into a new "love" relationship. I know I have "work" to do (on my own) before I go "shopping" for a new mate...And the truth is, my husband isn't easy to "replace." He was "worth" all the money in the world (and even more) to me!
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Old 05-08-2014, 10:14 AM
 
Location: In the Pearl of the Purchase, Ky
6,959 posts, read 12,375,199 times
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An older friend of my parents was at the house about a year after his wife died. I remember him telling them he had started dating again. He grinned when he told why he took so long to date again. Said even as much as he missed his wife, it was nice not being fussed at for leaving the toilet seat up. lol
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