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Old 05-25-2014, 01:26 PM
 
Location: UpstateNY
8,613 posts, read 7,848,949 times
Reputation: 7510

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old_cold, remember what I wrote about those who tell you what YOU should be doing and those that ask what THEY can do. It's toxic. We went through this.

It took awhile to sort the bad ones out, but in the end people react by saying you should do what they would do or react by empathizing and trying to relieve your burden.

The worst part was mom was thrust into holding up everyone who fell apart when SHE was the one who needed a shoulder and a hug, she had to deal with comforting everyone else and shouldering her grief so everyone else could deal.

Focus on what you and DH wanted and screw them all. They were useless when he was near the end and now they are assuaging their guilt by trying to call the shots and somehow justify their bad behaviour.

Yes, we are taught to forgive and all that Godly behaviour but ultimately it will be you and a few close gems that will be doing the heavy lifting. Do it on your terms, not theirs.
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Old 05-25-2014, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Area 51.5
13,904 posts, read 11,039,557 times
Reputation: 9036
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
I share very little by nature and I am finding this board a wonderful way to do so without doing so, if you know what I mean.
CFoulke , your advice about holding it for now is good, I think and I am glad to see that so far,at
least( it may change later) .......what I want takes priority.
But, being the inventive and natural 'boitch' that I am, I have figured out one way to stop all the hassle for this week.
The bomb will drop later and for now, I won't have to deal with it.
I am real short on time but will let you in one it later.
It's beautiful.....it's freaking nasty but it's beautiful!
Oh, boy, I can't wait!

Glad you're feeling better.
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Old 05-25-2014, 04:01 PM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,189 posts, read 3,428,161 times
Reputation: 6307
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
I share very little by nature and I am finding this board a wonderful way to do so without doing so, if you know what I mean.
CFoulke , your advice about holding it for now is good, I think and I am glad to see that so far,at
least( it may change later) .......what I want takes priority.
But, being the inventive and natural 'boitch' that I am, I have figured out one way to stop all the hassle for this week.
The bomb will drop later and for now, I won't have to deal with it.
I am real short on time but will let you in one it later.
It's beautiful.....it's freaking nasty but it's beautiful!

I will tell you - I didn't follow my own advice when my mother passed away. My brother who had always thought he walked about 5 feet above my sister and myself and who was "too busy" to help care for or visit with Mom during most of her illness, or for that matter even when she was well, was at our Dad's house with his wife. I was going through some old photos to get some together for the memorial board for the service the next evening. He started looking through the photos and made some snarky comments about Mom which were totally uncalled for and also just drove home my own point of how very little he actually knew about our mother - because he had never spent any real time with her after he married, although he still lived about 10 minutes away. I lit in on him with a vengeance and I unloaded every single grievance and misdeed and slight and hurtful thing that he had brought to both Mom and Dad over the years - because they brought all their grief over him to my shoulders. I carried that around with me for years - and I resented him and it just made me sick for him to feel like he had any right to even have an opinion about anything. Anyhow - I lost my cool - and I poured out all the acid. He left in a huff - a big one - after he tried to sling something back at me - but he had nothing to sling and he knew it. I slept like a baby that night. I said nothing that was not the truth - and I told Dad exactly what had transpired (he wasn't happy with me. I should have kept the peace!!) Next night at the viewing - brother shows up about an hour and a half late and proceeded to complain loudly to anyone who would listen that he didn't sleep at all the night before - and he kept staring at me. Of course most folks thought he was grieving over Mom, but I knew better. Not one of my proudest moments - but I think Mom would have approved because she and I had talked about him a lot over the years. My brother died in 2005 - and he never once mentioned what happened when Mom died - but he quit acting like an ass - at least around me. Good luck to you - I will stay tuned!!!!
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Old 05-25-2014, 04:41 PM
 
Location: Florida
18,365 posts, read 18,630,590 times
Reputation: 21079
Well, I can tell you what I had planned when I wrote that but have since thought of a way to modify it so the person insisting on his way can have it too.
I wasn't racking my brain trying to figure out a way to keep some peace...a modified approach just appeared to me.
That must be because I'm such a sweet, wonderful, thoughtful person by nature

Anyway...the whole thing is because I had planned a very personalized and symbolic idea for a gathering. Everybody even thought it is a great idea.
But only those that have stayed in touch with him would understand the symbolism. Others would just think it a little strange.
Because of the size of the location it has to be kept rather small. My husband was a "big fish in a small pond" as well as being one of those guys everybody likes. Added to the fact that we were born and lived all our lives in this small little 'burgh' and were bar owners for many years , it meant open invitation would possibly result in literally 100s of people....there were well over 200 hundred at his brother's wake.

One way of keeping things down is to also use of once a week small town paper that only very local people read....and definitely not people from the surrounding areas and two other states.

Wow...this is getting long...
The daily in the closest bigger town(different state, even) is , not only daily, but online and would reach a lot of these people.
Younger cousin screamer wants it in the big paper so EVERYBODY will see it and show up. He wants one of those bashes where even all the old customers would show up and reminisce and, you know, there's nothing wrong with that.....there isn't.....except I'm paying for all of this at somebody's small restaurant and these people were all old drinking buddies.....not friends of mine.
Oh, I like most of them but we haven't seen them in 20/30 years!

You still with me?

He was yelling that if I wouldn't put it in the bigger coverage paper, he'd do it himself.

You have the background...........you're going to have to hold on a little for the old and new solutions.
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Old 05-25-2014, 06:26 PM
 
Location: Florida
18,365 posts, read 18,630,590 times
Reputation: 21079
Next installment.
While I was still mad and upset, I decided the solution was (and I did this part) to tell him, OK, the obituary would be in the paper with the bigger circulation.........but..........I was going to wait a few days before submitting it and when it came out it would also read that any services would be private.
That would have been a rather nasty "Gotcha"


I have now decided to amend that and say that there would be an informal gathering at................and let him fill in the blanks(probably his favorite bar)
He can host it...I have no intention of being there.
In the meantime, I will host the gathering I had planned and it will be private/invitation only.
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Old 05-25-2014, 06:56 PM
 
6,951 posts, read 8,917,996 times
Reputation: 7823
Maybe you should stop biting your tongue! It might do you a world of good to speak your mind.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:31 PM
 
Location: Florida
18,365 posts, read 18,630,590 times
Reputation: 21079
Cliffie, in time it may but, you know, this type of crap is not something I am wanting to deal with right now.
Anger, fighting.....I feel like all that is stealing time from being caring and loving and processing what me and my kids need to be doing now.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Lafayette, LA
3,274 posts, read 2,494,502 times
Reputation: 7240
So sorry for your loss, oc. Hugs to you. Do it your own way.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:54 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,433,667 times
Reputation: 22274
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Next installment.
While I was still mad and upset, I decided the solution was (and I did this part) to tell him, OK, the obituary would be in the paper with the bigger circulation.........but..........I was going to wait a few days before submitting it and when it came out it would also read that any services would be private.
That would have been a rather nasty "Gotcha"


I have now decided to amend that and say that there would be an informal gathering at................and let him fill in the blanks(probably his favorite bar)
He can host it...I have no intention of being there.
In the meantime, I will host the gathering I had planned and it will be private/invitation only.
Loving your solution!

Yes, if he wants to turn this into a social occasion, let him pick up the tab.

And go do your thing, your way.

Perfect!!!!!!
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Old 05-25-2014, 10:00 PM
 
Location: USA
7,778 posts, read 9,653,479 times
Reputation: 11674
old_cold, clearly you have many cheerleaders in this forum and I am among them. Am so sorry for your loss and glad you are keeping it all together. It's so easy for others to spend your money. Sounds like you have it all set. Do keep us posted.
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