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Old 05-25-2014, 07:12 AM
 
Location: Florida
18,290 posts, read 18,539,506 times
Reputation: 20974

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My husband, who was ill enough to be on the Hospice-at home program, just died on our way back north for the summer.
Rather than be concerned with what I want, I'm being argued with and told what I have to do as a memorial service /get together of some kind by some of those loving caring relatives of my husband.....you know....the ones that cared so much that they never called once, or only called once or twice, the whole 7 months we were in our winter/snowbird Florida home.
The loudest and most insistent being the one that lives two houses away and when there was a many-hours long power outage last summer at 4 AM, resulting in his oxygen machine shutting off and the pump sump in the cellar not working, so flooding and the generator needing to be started and everything hooked up........never even picked up the phone to see if he needed any help.
He stopped in days later to see how we made out.
I could go on and on but you get the idea.
He would never let them know how hurt he was and would never let me say anything but you gotta know that my tongue is practically bleeding right now from biting it.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:47 AM
 
13,496 posts, read 13,975,028 times
Reputation: 11119
do what you want to do, when you want to do it. anyone doesn't like it too bad. hugs
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:49 AM
 
Location: Northern Illinois
2,189 posts, read 3,411,016 times
Reputation: 6306
I am terribly sorry for your loss and I can only imagine that you are reeling from all of the emotions swirling around you at this time. This is absolutely YOUR decision to make as far as how you wish to handle his memorial service - and yours alone. If you do have adult children that you are close with and you want their input - fine, but you are under no obligation to let anyone else dictate to you on how to plan the memorial. He was your husband - you knew him best, he was your partner, you shared him all these years, you made vows and promises with him. In his memory I would try as much as humanly possible to refrain from letting go of all of the acid that is in you right now - and I bet there's plenty - you need this time to grieve, rest, compose yourself, and plan his memorial in the way that he would have wanted it and something that is pleasing and meaningful to you. You don't owe anybody anything - remember that. Those folks are gonna talk and gripe no matter what you do - do not give in to the temptation to let them just take over. If possible - send out an email or have one person that you are close with make a few phone calls and INFORM them of the arrangements. If they want to attend they are free to do so, if not they can stay home. This is a time for you to begin to heal yourself and to prepare for the next stage of life - and how to approach it alone. Please don't allow his relatives to make this about them - for it is not.
If at some point in time AFTER the burial and services are over with and if they approach you and demand to know what your problem is/was - THEN you can let them have it with both barrels and don't hold anything back. You can clear the decks and just get everything out in the open and really let go of everything that built up over the years. You will have nothing to regret - and you would not have instigated the conversation - they would have. If they never bring ut the subject - I would just avoid contact with them and probably cut them out of my life entirely. They obviously are not the kind of caring and nurturing folks one would like to have surrounding them, IMHO.
I do wish you well my dear, and again, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through at this time. Always keep a thought of the man you loved and married in your heart - and make him the focus of all that you do in his honor.
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Old 05-25-2014, 07:51 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,816,014 times
Reputation: 61840
I would guess that you and your Husband discussed this and you both made choices regarding this issue.
Do what you and your Husband decided and tell the rest of them that things have already been set in place and they are welcome to attend or not.
Also tell them if they push the issue that the topic is not open for discussion or debate and change the subject or walk away.

My sympathies for your loss and I wish you well.
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:12 AM
 
Location: Area 51.5
13,904 posts, read 11,005,603 times
Reputation: 9036
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
My husband, who was ill enough to be on the Hospice-at home program, just died on our way back north for the summer.
Rather than be concerned with what I want, I'm being argued with and told what I have to do as a memorial service /get together of some kind by some of those loving caring relatives of my husband.....you know....the ones that cared so much that they never called once, or only called once or twice, the whole 7 months we were in our winter/snowbird Florida home.
The loudest and most insistent being the one that lives two houses away and when there was a many-hours long power outage last summer at 4 AM, resulting in his oxygen machine shutting off and the pump sump in the cellar not working, so flooding and the generator needing to be started and everything hooked up........never even picked up the phone to see if he needed any help.
He stopped in days later to see how we made out.
I could go on and on but you get the idea.
He would never let them know how hurt he was and would never let me say anything but you gotta know that my tongue is practically bleeding right now from biting it.
I am so sorry.

And I know exactly what you're talking about.

Again, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Orlando
1,795 posts, read 2,386,539 times
Reputation: 6422
I'm really sorry for your loss. I won't try to tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do -- what I DID do -- in a similar situation.

I stopped biting my tongue and said what I felt needed to be said. I understand about having to make nice with your husband's relatives while he's alive, but when my husband died, I didn't care anymore about having toxic people in my life.

I figured, what's the worst that can happen? They won't want to be with me anymore? Oh darn.

When my husband died, some of his family members were not happy with some of my decisions about final arrangements, but I had followed my husband's wishes about everything. So I just told them if they didn't like it, to take it up with him.

I don't have space in my life for those critical, negative people. I haven't heard from most of them since, and I must say, I don't miss them.
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Old 05-25-2014, 08:52 AM
 
Location: Florida
18,290 posts, read 18,539,506 times
Reputation: 20974
I share very little by nature and I am finding this board a wonderful way to do so without doing so, if you know what I mean.
CFoulke , your advice about holding it for now is good, I think and I am glad to see that so far,at
least( it may change later) .......what I want takes priority.
But, being the inventive and natural 'boitch' that I am, I have figured out one way to stop all the hassle for this week.
The bomb will drop later and for now, I won't have to deal with it.
I am real short on time but will let you in one it later.
It's beautiful.....it's freaking nasty but it's beautiful!
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Old 05-25-2014, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Up North in God's Country
670 posts, read 760,916 times
Reputation: 987
old_cold, I am so sorry for your loss. I have no advice other than thinking that CFoulke gave you great advice. I agree with keeping the peace for now, doing what you want, and dealing with the negative relatives later. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 05-25-2014, 10:34 AM
 
5,539 posts, read 4,384,002 times
Reputation: 10854
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
My husband, who was ill enough to be on the Hospice-at home program, just died on our way back north for the summer.
Rather than be concerned with what I want, I'm being argued with and told what I have to do as a memorial service /get together of some kind by some of those loving caring relatives of my husband.....you know....the ones that cared so much that they never called once, or only called once or twice, the whole 7 months we were in our winter/snowbird Florida home.
The loudest and most insistent being the one that lives two houses away and when there was a many-hours long power outage last summer at 4 AM, resulting in his oxygen machine shutting off and the pump sump in the cellar not working, so flooding and the generator needing to be started and everything hooked up........never even picked up the phone to see if he needed any help.
He stopped in days later to see how we made out.
I could go on and on but you get the idea.
He would never let them know how hurt he was and would never let me say anything but you gotta know that my tongue is practically bleeding right now from biting it.
So sorry this happened.

Do what you want to do! If they want a memorial for him, they can put one together later.
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Old 05-25-2014, 12:21 PM
 
Location: South Carolina
13,107 posts, read 17,646,574 times
Reputation: 22459
Yes so sorry for your loss and these people sound just like my husbands family and yes do what you want to do and if they don't like it too freaking bad . I am so sick of these so called family members who never pick up a phone ...
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