U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-19-2007, 01:08 PM
 
Location: Weston, FL and Vero Beach, Fl
2,945 posts, read 11,934,457 times
Reputation: 2057

Advertisements

My first husband died some years ago. Intellectually, I knew not to make ciritcal decisions or attempt anything major for at least 1 year minimum. The kicker -- I started my Ph.D. not realizing I wouldn't be able to concentrate - it was such an odd experience. Here I was, take charge multitasking person who had to re-read every single sentence and page over and over again to still not absorb the material.

I left the program and started attending a water aerobics class every day - best decision I ever made. Three months later I was offered an adjunct position teaching three nights week - also the best decision I ever made.

Don't push anything - the knowledge experts will say this and I will too - you will know when the time is right to move or not. Everyting in its time. Good luck.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-19-2007, 07:17 PM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,266,873 times
Reputation: 15308
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
Has anyone else been through this?. And how did you deal with it.
Why, planning on killing your hubby?

Just kidding..you know me...

well, it's not easy, and it is best not to make decissions for a while...except ones that make you happy...so go ahead girlfriend, get out there and buy that beemer....and that yaht....

serioulsy...it is best to keep busy and just think things through real well...
and it's good to have a mentor....to help you see things clearly

hugs...
Creme
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2007, 07:28 PM
 
Location: Old Town Alexandria
14,506 posts, read 23,177,711 times
Reputation: 8829
creme!-I need to wait before giving you more + rep. lol.

jhlcomp, I liked your post - very hopeful....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-19-2007, 07:35 PM
 
2,039 posts, read 5,676,779 times
Reputation: 557
Quote:
Originally Posted by dreamofmonterey View Post
creme!-I need to wait before giving you more + rep. lol.

jhlcomp, I liked your post - very hopeful....
I have been though the death of my beloved dog, three months later my husband left for another job in another state, we sold our house, bought another in the new state, our 17 year old son died the WEEK WE MOVED in a freak accident, we started new schools, everything, then my daughter and I ended up moving BACK, but then my best friend three months later!

This all happened in the matter of 6 months....

PM me for more info...

It's been terribly difficult.

Last edited by londonbarcelona; 12-19-2007 at 08:00 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-20-2007, 02:40 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,109,309 times
Reputation: 967
I'm so sorry for your losses. How heart breaking.

What I learned about myself that I didn't know, until I had my first major loss, is that you truly don't know yourself to be vulnerable until something like this happens. Our vulnerable selves are not our "true" selves and it is easy to make stupid decisions during times like this, because we feel we are entitled to their outcome. The most careless I've ever been in life was right after such a loss and I know better now.

Now I know that loss is a time for self-reflection and analysis and not a time to make major decisions.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-20-2007, 03:49 AM
 
9,343 posts, read 8,732,469 times
Reputation: 14370
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnycakes View Post
My rule of thumb: limit myself to one major change per year, if at all possible. A "traumatic death/loss" could qualify as one such major change if the person was very close to me. In that case, I would try to defer any more major changes for a while, if feasible. Otherwise, I would be sure to get a sanity check from a trusted friend or friends before forging ahead with any other big decisions that could also qualify as a second major change within that timeframe.
Excellent and very sound advice!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2008, 05:28 AM
 
10 posts, read 10,462 times
Reputation: 18
Yep. I have been through this. Years ago after a traumatic loss I decided I was going to hook up with some loser. He came along, said all the right things, took me out, promised the moon and stars, etc. Turns out, he's a liar who started verbally abusing me, neglecting me and alieanating me from family and friends. He treated my friends so poorly that my friends started hating me.
I had my own place at the time, a good job, a nice car, friends, etc. I lost everything because I believed his lies. They even repossed my car which he told me he was paying for! Shame on me for not watching my store so to speak. Nothing good came out of this hasty decision and finally after a few years I woke up. He even tried to bait me back years later with the promise of a Jaguar! How shallow. People like him prey on vulnerability. If you have a sad story...even better for them. They don't want you to have friends or support systems. It makes it easier for them to get over on you if your isolated. They will lie to you about your friends so you will dump them. Then you wake up and realize THEIR agenda and your angry at everyone! I personally would not believe anything someone said now. They have to prove their worthy of ME.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2008, 07:24 AM
 
Location: in drifts of snow wherever you go
2,493 posts, read 3,058,527 times
Reputation: 692
I think it depends on the type of loss and the decision to be made. Often traumatic losses require dramatic changes. For example, if a spouse dies, you may be faced with having to sell the house and move to an area that is more affordable and easier to manage.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-01-2008, 07:47 AM
 
13,773 posts, read 32,990,989 times
Reputation: 10524
I went through the unexpected death of my husband a 4 years ago.
As OTR stated I too made some not so good decisions but nothing major thank goodness. I knew enough not to make any dramatic changes right away. I was going through the motions of living but deep down my heart was broken. I hated to go home knowing he wouldn't be there and yet I felt like I had to rush home everyday from work.
One year later, the company I worked for basically said 'we want all you olde timers to leave'. More trauma as I didn't want to sit at my desk waiting on them to find a way to get rid of me so I took the pkg and left. I wasn't old enough for SS but I got my husbands so I knew I could make it though I wouldn't be living high on the hog.

Are there things I wish I had done differently? Yes and no but I did what I thought was right at the time. I had never really ever been totally alone before and I was learning how to like living with just me.

I did move away, sold my house, paid cash for a house in another city/state where my daughter had moved. Haven't met a SO but probably more my fault since I now like living with just me and my animals.

If you want to just talk I think we should make just a thread on grieving..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 01-03-2008, 11:29 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,266,873 times
Reputation: 15308
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatsLife View Post
Yep. I have been through this. Years ago after a traumatic loss I decided I was going to hook up with some loser. He came along, said all the right things, took me out, promised the moon and stars, etc. Turns out, he's a liar who started verbally abusing me, neglecting me and alieanating me from family and friends. He treated my friends so poorly that my friends started hating me.
I had my own place at the time, a good job, a nice car, friends, etc. I lost everything because I believed his lies. They even repossed my car which he told me he was paying for! Shame on me for not watching my store so to speak. Nothing good came out of this hasty decision and finally after a few years I woke up. He even tried to bait me back years later with the promise of a Jaguar! How shallow. People like him prey on vulnerability. If you have a sad story...even better for them. They don't want you to have friends or support systems. It makes it easier for them to get over on you if your isolated. They will lie to you about your friends so you will dump them. Then you wake up and realize THEIR agenda and your angry at everyone! I personally would not believe anything someone said now. They have to prove their worthy of ME.
Gasping....you dated him to?????? What was his name?

What a womanizer some are....they thrive on your weakness....when otherwise, you wouldn't give the guy a second glance.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top