Marking a Passing...anniversaries of your loss....
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This past October 20th was the anniversary of my partner passing.
I am thinking now, this should be a marker but it wasn't. I guess Ive adjusted to life by myself.
I think, though, NEXT year will be more signifigant.
His death day will fall on the exact day of the week he died on, back in 2009.
My plan is to relive what we did the weekend he died, do what we did just before he became ill, and then to take off work on the two weekdays the got sicker and passed. Not sure how to mark it beyond that. Maybe drive over to the hospital ER around the time his death certificate said he expired (or when they pulled the plug).
This sounds morbid and maybe painful? I think it should be. I want to feel that loss anew and don't want to numb it or "adjust to it". I want to do this every time the death days coincide (I think there must be some sort of cycle for the repeat), as I get older and the years pass without him, to remember that time, those last days together....
I did that for a couple of years. I found, in a way, that it helped. I wanted to be sad. Why shouldn't I be sad?
Grief counseling and such helped, but in the end, I just wanted to be sad. It was very gratifying.
Second anniversary: eat terrific food, wear the right clothes, select just the right music. Go for it! I felt a lot better after I did that. I needed to get that out of my system.
I'm very sorry that you lost your partner and I truly do understand your need to retain feeling connected to him by "re-enacting" the last days you shared together. It is your decision of course, but do you feel that by remembering all the pain and the initial sense of loss it will keep you more connected to his spirit and keep his memory more alive to you? I can understand remembering the happy times and the joys of shared intimacy - but when you mention driving to the hospital ER at the time of death - it takes on a different level of remembrance - at least for me. It doesn't really matter what day of the week it falls on - or the calendar date for that matter - for you to remember him and to cherish the time you spent with him. I would never suggest to anyone to try and numb their feelings or to learn to adjust to it - healing takes time and people experience it differently. Just try to imagine though, in years to come that if you adopt a "tradition" and then when/if you should ever choose to love again - will that person understand your need to continue, or would you feel guilty if you stopped it at some point? In time, I think you will heal to the point where you will settle upon something meaningful and personal that will bring you comfort no matter where you are in the world - or what you are doing at the time. Loved ones live on in our hearts and our thoughts - he will always know you have not forgotten him. I wish you peace.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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I'm in the same place as Dayton. My husband died in 2009 also, and next year his anniversary date of his death, then 8 days later his birthday, and the day after that the anniversary of his service (I refused to have it on the 3rd, his birthday) will be on the same days of the week these things happened back then. I've thought about what I'll do when it's the same day. Also, Thanksgiving will be the one month (plus six years) anniversary of his death.
That first Thanksgiving it was just my son and me, no other family, same for my birthday and Christmas. It was such a desolate holiday season. Yet, I need to feel that sadness again, too. His loss is right on the surface, and if I'm talking about him to someone I trust (family, close friends) I can barely begin to start without crying. I'm the type who wears my emotions on my sleeve, so my emotions for him are right on the surface. Even as I'm typing this, my eyes are welling up and my throat is getting tight. Feeling the pain so intensely when I think about him is something I need to let go of, and maybe by reliving it, it will set me free.
This past October 20th was the anniversary of my partner passing.
I am thinking now, this should be a marker but it wasn't. I guess Ive adjusted to life by myself.
I think, though, NEXT year will be more signifigant.
His death day will fall on the exact day of the week he died on, back in 2009.
My plan is to relive what we did the weekend he died, do what we did just before he became ill, and then to take off work on the two weekdays the got sicker and passed. Not sure how to mark it beyond that. Maybe drive over to the hospital ER around the time his death certificate said he expired (or when they pulled the plug).
This sounds morbid and maybe painful? I think it should be. I want to feel that loss anew and don't want to numb it or "adjust to it". I want to do this every time the death days coincide (I think there must be some sort of cycle for the repeat), as I get older and the years pass without him, to remember that time, those last days together....
The 11th of this month marks 14 years since my Dad passed. I always light a candle on that day. I still miss him, sorely, but we all must carry on. I find comfort in my little ritual of remembrance. It always reminds me to watch where I'm going, and remember where I've been. Who I am and where I come from.
Today would have been my H's 64th birthday. Of course I stop and think about him. Reflect for a few minutes. I always ponder if he would be pleased with how my life without him has evolved and changed. I remember our celebrations of his birthdays in the past. I have 40 years worth of memories to consider. It's not necessarily sad, it's just another milestone in life.
Today would have been my hubby's 64th birthday too.
NO WAY do I want to relive the pain I have worked so hard to overcome. Though I have no interest in ever getting married again, I have come to peace with my being alone for the rest of my life. I have moved on from the pain. I never want to feel that again. Why would anyone?
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