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Old 08-26-2014, 01:44 AM
 
11,768 posts, read 10,239,242 times
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What are you supposed to do after someone commits suicide?

A bit of background, My sister's husband killed himself yesterday. Which, okay, he has that right as it is his life, but I'm not really sure what to do or how to console my sister. I can't even broach the subject without her breaking into tears and hyperventilating. I suppose that is understandable though. They've been married less than a year and just had a baby, so coming home to find your husband dead is going to be traumatic, but how do you even offer consolation in a situation like that? To make things even worse... she didn't tell him bye, I love you, or kiss him before she left for work, so I think she might blame herself or at least feel guilty/regretful.

I'm further a a bit of a loss because I'm not that emotionally savvy. I just shut down any emotions I had and blocked everything - and even for me that was surprisingly difficult, so I don't really know how to relate. I don't lack empathy or anything like that I just don't know what to do or say to ease her pain. I mean, I can't say "it's okay you'll be alright" or "you'll get over it" without sounding like the reassurance is feigned. I don't even know how to even attempt to help her gain any closure, solace, or understanding. There weren't any money problems to worry about, he didn't act or seem depressed, and, from outward appearances, he seemed genuinely happy.
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Old 08-26-2014, 04:51 AM
 
Location: Canada
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What a horrible experience for your sister.
I don't think there is anything you can say to make her feel better at this point, other than say that you're sorry. Saying "you'll be ok, or you'll get over it" are the wrong things to say. It is FAR too early after his death for her to "gain any closure, solace, or understanding"

The best advice I can tell you is to be there when she wants to talk, hug her when she cries, help her with the funeral arrangements, bills and banking, watch their baby so she can rest, and encourage her to get some grief counselling after the funeral.
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Old 08-26-2014, 05:49 AM
 
Location: Florida
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Added to what goligann said....good advice.... if you sister says anything about feeling guilty or wondering what she could have done to prevent this, or what she might have done to cause it, just keep reassuring her that nothing she said or did or didn't do was the cause. This is something that is 'caused' by something inside the person themselves.
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:25 AM
 
Location: Where the heart is...
4,927 posts, read 5,294,262 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
What a horrible experience for your sister.
I don't think there is anything you can say to make her feel better at this point, other than say that you're sorry. Saying "you'll be ok, or you'll get over it" are the wrong things to say. It is FAR too early after his death for her to "gain any closure, solace, or understanding"

The best advice I can tell you is to be there when she wants to talk, hug her when she cries, help her with the funeral arrangements, bills and banking, watch their baby so she can rest, and encourage her to get some grief counselling after the funeral.
Quote:
Originally Posted by old_cold View Post
Added to what goligann said....good advice.... if you sister says anything about feeling guilty or wondering what she could have done to prevent this, or what she might have done to cause it, just keep reassuring her that nothing she said or did or didn't do was the cause. This is something that is 'caused' by something inside the person themselves.
Unfortunately I understand from first hand experience how devastating this is for a family to get through; I am very, very sorry for your family to be going through this.

These replies are the long and the sort of the very sad incident. Be there for your sister, show her by your presence that you are there for her in whatever possible way you can be. Most importantly you will really need to strongly encourage the need for grief counseling.

Sincere condolences for you and your family.
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Old 08-26-2014, 07:34 AM
 
Location: State of Being
35,879 posts, read 77,258,797 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
What a horrible experience for your sister.
I don't think there is anything you can say to make her feel better at this point, other than say that you're sorry. Saying "you'll be ok, or you'll get over it" are the wrong things to say. It is FAR too early after his death for her to "gain any closure, solace, or understanding"

The best advice I can tell you is to be there when she wants to talk, hug her when she cries, help her with the funeral arrangements, bills and banking, watch their baby so she can rest, and encourage her to get some grief counselling after the funeral.
This is excellent advice.

Think of yourself as your sister's assistant during this period -- making sure things stay on track with household management, food/cooking, cleaning up, answering the phone, etc.

If your sister had no clue that her husband was suicidal, she is going to be confused, into self-blame at first. Then she most likely will get angry at his leaving her and the baby in this manner. That is why it is so important for her to get in touch with a good grief counselor -- to help her process these very valid feelings.

My niece's husband hanged himself. It is shocking and paralyzing, for the whole family. Just be there. Your words are not as important as your actions right now - keeping things on track. Offering a shoulder to lean on and listening is much more important than trying to offer words of advice/comfort. Your sister needs to vent . . . be there to listen.
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Old 08-27-2014, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Toronto, Canada
76 posts, read 102,086 times
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Right now it's all about endurance for her. Encourage her to eat, stay hydrated, and rest - grief is hard enough and she'll need whatever strength she can get.

As others have said, offer to help with the funeral, looking after her kid, cook dinner for her, whatever.

You might also want to watch how you say things when you're comforting her. One of my friends took his life last year, and the day after it happened I was blaming myself, and someone actually said to me that he was being selfish. Even if I agreed with that sentiment, my friend was an awesome guy and I sure don't want to remember him as being selfish, so that statement made me incredibly mad. I don't know what your feelings are on the subject, but don't say things like that or "you'll get over it" to her.

Right now, offering her a shoulder and assisting with the funeral and day to day things is all you can really do. It will probably really mean a lot to her to have help with those things.
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Old 09-06-2014, 04:08 AM
 
Location: Inland California Desert
838 posts, read 763,657 times
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What the others have already have said definitely ring true!

However, I also recommend having your sister read some encouraging --though related-- things, herself.

These publications have already helped many individuals to cope with situations very similar to what your sister --as well as yourself-- are now going through . . .

"Have You Lost a Loved One to Suicide?"
http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102001763?q=Have+You+Lost+a+Loved+One+to+Suicide&p =sen

"When Someone You Love Dies":
1. “It Can’t Be True!"
2. Is It Normal to Feel This Way?
3. "How Can I Live With My Grief?
4. "How Can Others Help?
http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/1101994007 {that opens a list of links, 1 to each section)

That last one is a brochure,
the 4th section of which will especially will help you to know how to help your sister.

Many have gone through a box of tissues while reading its pages, and readjusting their thinking . . . including me!


Deepest Condolences to your family!

And,

Commendations for wanting to help your sister!
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Old 09-06-2014, 04:16 AM
 
4,749 posts, read 4,311,680 times
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Hold her tight and let her cry on your shoulder. Offer to watch the baby. Go out to eat with her once a week (or just eat with her). Continue to check on her (not too often because you'll get very annoying) and do whatever you can to help her out. She may not feel like cleaning up. Make sure she is getting out of bed and taking care of herself because, in my opinion, it's your job to make sure she doesn't fall into a deep depression.
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Old 09-06-2014, 11:52 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,386 posts, read 35,466,787 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lycos679 View Post
What are you supposed to do after someone commits suicide?

A bit of background, My sister's husband killed himself yesterday. Which, okay, he has that right as it is his life, but I'm not really sure what to do or how to console my sister. I can't even broach the subject without her breaking into tears and hyperventilating. I suppose that is understandable though. They've been married less than a year and just had a baby, so coming home to find your husband dead is going to be traumatic, but how do you even offer consolation in a situation like that? To make things even worse... she didn't tell him bye, I love you, or kiss him before she left for work, so I think she might blame herself or at least feel guilty/regretful.

I'm further a a bit of a loss because I'm not that emotionally savvy. I just shut down any emotions I had and blocked everything - and even for me that was surprisingly difficult, so I don't really know how to relate. I don't lack empathy or anything like that I just don't know what to do or say to ease her pain. I mean, I can't say "it's okay you'll be alright" or "you'll get over it" without sounding like the reassurance is feigned. I don't even know how to even attempt to help her gain any closure, solace, or understanding. There weren't any money problems to worry about, he didn't act or seem depressed, and, from outward appearances, he seemed genuinely happy.
There is story about a very little boy who upon seeing an old neighbor who had just lost his wife sitting on the porch went to him and crawled up into his lap. Later when the boy came home his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor and he answered "I didn't say anything. I just helped him cry.".

Help her cry. It's all you can do to help her grieve. And help her with the baby. Let her know that you're there for her should she need anything.
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Old 09-06-2014, 03:36 PM
 
Location: NW AR
2,438 posts, read 2,801,129 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
There is story about a very little boy who upon seeing an old neighbor who had just lost his wife sitting on the porch went to him and crawled up into his lap. Later when the boy came home his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor and he answered "I didn't say anything. I just helped him cry.".

Help her cry. It's all you can do to help her grieve. And help her with the baby. Let her know that you're there for her should she need anything.

Hootie And The Blowfish - Let Her Cry (Video) - YouTube
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