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I just realized recently that grieving becomes a very lonely process after a couple of years.
Friends and colleagues stop pointedly asking how you're doing - some because they don't want to take the chance on hurting you and some because its been a couple of years and they figure you're probably over it and moving on with your life.
Family stop talking about it - some because they don't want to take the chance on hurting you, some because they're still trying to deal with it themselves, some because they desperately want life to be OK for you and for themselves, some because they just have no idea how to talk about it anymore.
Somehow his name just never seems to come up anymore. You realize that nobody wants to ask about it or talk about it anymore. You start feeling uncomfortable feeling continued pain, and start feeling uncomfortable about everyones' silence, start feeling as though you just need to keep it inside yourself where you can quietlly nuture it and hold onto it and hold onto him. And nobody knows that you're doing that.
The cards and letters and phone calls are all done. You cry less but hurt more. Grieving becomes a very lonely process after a couple of years.
Location: West of the Catalinas East of the Tortolitas
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Since Bob died almost 5 years ago, at least six of our friends or colleagues have passed on. I was here in AZ, but read it in our County newspaper from Colorado that I subscribe to. I sent cards, called the widows if I knew them well enough, but within a few months, the passing of these friends became a faded memory. Even my own wonderful cousin who was more a brother to me, and who died a few months after Bob, has faded greatly. I imagine that for them, that's how they think of or remember Bob's passing -- as a long time ago. I doubt his name comes up much, if at all, for any of his former friends or colleagues. There'd be no reason for it to come up, anymore, and there'd be no reason for them to ask how I'm doing when they've moved so far past his death because they have to. They have lives, that's just a fact, and can't take the time to keep remembering to bring it up to you, or forget to make a point to bring it up to you. It's not that they don't care, it's that the loss wasn't as profound for them as it was for you (or any of us who lost a child or spouse or parent).
For other people who knew the deceased, life does go on. Almost immediately after the funeral. It doesn't for us, not right away, but friends and family just can't spend the time mourning our loved one the way we would wish they could. Just as we don't spend the time mourning their loved ones the way I'm sure they would wish we did. So we grieve, and try to move forward, but we can't fault others for not feeling the same grief we do, just as we don't feel the same grief they feel for their loved ones. We need to put our grief in perspective with the rest of the world. It doesn't mean we should feel it, or get over it, or push it aside, we just have to realize it much more intense and devastating for us than for those not as close to the loved one as we were.
Since Bob died almost 5 years ago, at least six of our friends or colleagues have passed on. I was here in AZ, but read it in our County newspaper from Colorado that I subscribe to. I sent cards, called the widows if I knew them well enough, but within a few months, the passing of these friends became a faded memory. Even my own wonderful cousin who was more a brother to me, and who died a few months after Bob, has faded greatly. I imagine that for them, that's how they think of or remember Bob's passing -- as a long time ago. I doubt his name comes up much, if at all, for any of his former friends or colleagues. There'd be no reason for it to come up, anymore, and there'd be no reason for them to ask how I'm doing when they've moved so far past his death because they have to. They have lives, that's just a fact, and can't take the time to keep remembering to bring it up to you, or forget to make a point to bring it up to you. It's not that they don't care, it's that the loss wasn't as profound for them as it was for you (or any of us who lost a child or spouse or parent).
For other people who knew the deceased, life does go on. Almost immediately after the funeral. It doesn't for us, not right away, but friends and family just can't spend the time mourning our loved one the way we would wish they could. Just as we don't spend the time mourning their loved ones the way I'm sure they would wish we did. So we grieve, and try to move forward, but we can't fault others for not feeling the same grief we do, just as we don't feel the same grief they feel for their loved ones. We need to put our grief in perspective with the rest of the world. It doesn't mean we should feel it, or get over it, or push it aside, we just have to realize it much more intense and devastating for us than for those not as close to the loved one as we were.
I just realized recently that grieving becomes a very lonely process after a couple of years.
Friends and colleagues stop pointedly asking how you're doing - some because they don't want to take the chance on hurting you and some because its been a couple of years and they figure you're probably over it and moving on with your life.
Family stop talking about it - some because they don't want to take the chance on hurting you, some because they're still trying to deal with it themselves, some because they desperately want life to be OK for you and for themselves, some because they just have no idea how to talk about it anymore.
Somehow his name just never seems to come up anymore. You realize that nobody wants to ask about it or talk about it anymore. You start feeling uncomfortable feeling continued pain, and start feeling uncomfortable about everyones' silence, start feeling as though you just need to keep it inside yourself where you can quietlly nuture it and hold onto it and hold onto him. And nobody knows that you're doing that.
The cards and letters and phone calls are all done. You cry less but hurt more. Grieving becomes a very lonely process after a couple of years.
Did you really expect it to continue? I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. Even a year is quite awhile for the cards and calls.
In less than two years I lost a spouse, a child, and three beloved sister-in-laws, one of whom was my spouse's sister.
Is losing a spouse and sister within 6 months more painful than losing a spouse and child within a year?
I was 19 when dad's mother died. I thought it was the end of the world. I had no idea that between the ages of 50 and 70 I would lose two children, a spouse, two parents, all lifelong friends, five in-laws, and two beloved pets.
I have a reached a point where there are no tears left to shed. We are born to die.Life is for the living. We either move on or wallow in self-pity; it is our choice. I moved on.
No. The nearest is 50 miles. After spouse died the eyes and ears began to fail. I can't see to drive or hear your voice. The above post was an abbreviated version. I quit working to care for family between 1977 and 2012.
Emotionally, the last 8 years was a very conflicting place to be as the cancer was diagnosed two weeks after the Fibrosis that ended with Alzheimers. Spouse was age 78 when diagnosed., and had been in poor health since 1987. Between then and 2011 I had the time to deny, bargain, hate, love and grieve. Death is a shock whether you are informed by phone, or find the corpse. I experienced both. I actually prefer the later.
I hated the cancer that stole my child's life at age 49. What started as a simple procedure ended in an aggressive cancer that spread through all the organs to finally attack the brain. It was horrifying and horribly painful. The surgeries, the chemo, the drugs that didn't work and the drugs that killed the pain were in constant conflict. I did not want to lose my youngest daughter, but I did not want her to suffer either. I did not get what I wanted.
Emotionally I will never be guilt free. I could not do more; there was no cure for either. I could do nothing except listen, watch and wait. Logic and emotion will never agree.
Most of my friends don't mention my husband or sons anymore. (On their own.)...My friends relate to me as a single woman today. And in reality, this is "who I am" and my new status in life.. Thankfully, my friends are willing to listen when I bring-up my husband or sons myself. I like to talk about happy times and happy memories every once in awhile. (Just to keep my loved ones "alive!")...My friends seem to enjoy my stories. And, it opens up the door for them to share their memories too and talk about their loved ones who have passed-away through the years...But most of the time, I talk about my current life as a single person today. I have to figure out "who I am" now and what I might want and need for myself. My life has to go "on." Can't bury myself in sand or hide out in a cave forever. (This is what I tell myself anyway!)
It is easier for some people than it is for others. It was 6 years for me to finally realize, "Woow, has it been that long?"
Bluff
I was talking about the cards and calls she received. Not the length of grieving.
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