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Cyn..............maybe your expectations of how grief will resolve itself are unrealistic and can't be realized. The loss is real and the changes are on going. You lost your husband after several agonizing and horrendous years of sickness. Grief is a natural reaction.......you had built your life around being his caretaker.....to the exclusion of everything else. His passing left you without a purpose, without a positive role definition (instead of being a caretaker....you now function mostly by trying to get thru the day .... one day after another).
You have made gains.....job, church, reconnecting with family, some very safe friendships, and maintaining your property and animals. But you still are defined by your grief and loss and your past.
How can you break out of that? you have lived most of your life for others.....and often for those who havent appreciated what you sacrificed and gave up to be there for them. Time to be there for yourself, to reject being "that sad lady who lost her husband".....and to find a new more fulfilled and joyful identity.
cyn I do know how hard you try ..... now you just have to do it.....or not do it. You have to find your own way out of the morass.
You are right elston--my brain tells me the same thing but my heart still aches. It will heal in it's own time. My understanding is this is all very normal and I am where many are at the 2nd year after a loss. The hardest part is finding yourself again! After 29 years it's not easy. But I am strong and willing so that is in my favor. Still there will be set-backs...I do miss my life before my D/H became ill. Every day presents new challenges for me--some not easy or good but I am doing my best!
I was touched by the post in Whats for dinner? (Remember when that is all you worried about?)
by Jersygrl51, in post #6863, and she made me think of you.
That night, she was spending she and her late husband's anniversary by making a pot of food, cracking open a bottle of his favorite scotch, and buying herself a present. She celebrated him in a humorous and healthy way.
Maybe you need to touch base with these posters, and get some pointers on what worked for them.
gentlearts, oh how I would love to do as some others do for grief. We are each different and have different circumstances. I do not have family around (my son lives in NC but not close to me). I have always been overly sensitive--not something a person can easily change although I am trying. I talk with customers at work who have suffered the loss of their husbands and most say it just requires time. It helps just talking to them since they have been in a similar situation and understand. I also go to Hospice lunches for widows and we all share where we are at and what we are going through. Some are doing better then others and some not as well as others but again we are each different and I know I am doing my best given my circumstances. I will not stop trying to get the past behind me and move forward---everyone has to know how badly I want that...but it just takes time.
gentlearts, oh how I would love to do as some others do for grief. We are each different and have different circumstances. I do not have family around (my son lives in NC but not close to me). I have always been overly sensitive--not something a person can easily change although I am trying. I talk with customers at work who have suffered the loss of their husbands and most say it just requires time. It helps just talking to them since they have been in a similar situation and understand. I also go to Hospice lunches for widows and we all share where we are at and what we are going through. Some are doing better then others and some not as well as others but again we are each different and I know I am doing my best given my circumstances. I will not stop trying to get the past behind me and move forward---everyone has to know how badly I want that...but it just takes time.
I just want you to be ok with finding joy. Its nothing to feel guilty about. Like I've said before, I know I havent walked in your shoes, so I dont want to sound judgy.
I know and I do know you care----that means the world to me! I wouldn't wish anyone walking in these shoes! But at some point we all do. I am blessed to have friends who care right here on this forum! I talk to my wonderful therapist and she sees a lot of strength in me and said I will get through this---in time. That means the world to me just to know that at some point my life I will once again find joy! I have had some very good times like when my little sister visited--we laughed and it did feel so good! It will happen more. Thanks for caring!
I couldn't imagine a more caring bunch of friends whom I have never had the pleasure of even meeting face to face. Coming here has been my saving grace. Each of you are my angels. Even my therapist has said that it helps me not only because of all of you caring but also because there are many who never even post but read and find they are having similar feelings and going through similar circumstances and send me messages to thank me for this thread. It helps me to know we may be helping others too.
It has been 2 years ago today since my husband lost his life to ALS. I thought it would get easier but this year has been by far the hardest. I guess reality set in. And life goes on.....
Im so sorry CYN.......... I know how you must be feeling...... I would really love to give ya big hug!!
Cyn, I know I haven't written in on this thread, so I am not sure I should be intruding. The two year anniversary of my husband's death will be December 6, so I am close to being there. Like you, I was a caregiver for almost 4 years; my husband had brain cancer. Also like you, I have accomplished a lot since his death. I moved across the country (to the community my husband and I used to live in), sold and bought a house, started a part time job, rejoined my old church, got a dog, had a lot of improvements done on my new house, etc. I think to outside people, I have accomplished a lot, but I still have a lot of difficulty just living without my husband. (We were married for 43 years.) I miss him very much. I don't cry a lot any more, but I look at his pictures, I stare out the window, I think about how he smiled, how he moved, how he would have reacted to things, what he would have said. I watch television so that I am distracted. I used to have a lot of energy, but now, I seem to be able to do only a few tasks each day, then I want to just sit or lie down. When I have lunch with friends, or meet people during my day, I'm sure they would say that I am fine; I can laugh at jokes, talk about things, etc. But the alone, private me is very lonely and very unhappy. I am planning on some traveling and will be taking a couple of classes soon, hoping that I can get into some activities that can make my life better, but I often look at the time that I still have on this earth (I'm 64) and it just seems to stretch out before me like a never ending, sad road.
I know it takes time to adjust to this. I know that gradually, I will establish my own identity that is not a part of a lost couple. But boy, it is a long, painful process. So I do understand where you are coming from. My best to you.
We will make it and find joy once again..my best to you too G Grasshopper. Your post helped me feel okay about where I am and how I am feeling--normal for us anyhow! It's good to know you are not alone!
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And life goes on.....