Some perspective please...

[tamiznluv]

Originally Posted by DewDropInn

It's common in Polish-American communities. Food at the viewing and a sit-down meal, in a nice restaurant, after the funeral.

Food at a wake?? Certainly never heard of that and never a resteraunt. Funny how different cultures do things.

[Cdarocks]

Originally Posted by anifani821

I am so glad that you all stepped in.

This has really brought up some questions for me to ask of others within the church to find out how folks are handling these types of situations and to make sure assistance is there so that friends of the family can participate in the funeral and with the family afterwards.

However, it sounds like whatever you worked out - it went well and I am relieved it did.

Again, I am so sorry to hear about your dear friend's passing.

This did the same for me. I went to our pastor and inquired what we have at our church for a situation like this and he assured me we have a care/hospitality team who handles things.

At least we did not have the added stress of how to cover the costs. Someone stepped forward to pay for everything we needed for this reception. I did not inquire who it was, but I am sure it is someone I know.

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by thinkalot

Spouse and children should be doing this. Its only a few calls to a caterer. The pastor of the church should of told them about their procedures, list of approved caterers, etc. By the way I have never had " snacks" after a funeral, always a full meal.

I don't think you should get involved if you don't want to. Just because your friend is one of those that like to jump in doesn't mean that you have to follow her. I would tell her no, that I am attending the service. Did she even ask the family if they are planning anything?

If people can drive for hours to pay their respects I think the least the family can do is feed them. It is a chance to see people that you may not see too often. Setting up the after funeral is good for the spouse and children. And I don't go for this "in shock" bs. This is days later. I have been to many, many funerals, and planned funerals and no one was in shock and incapable of greeting people, making arrangements, and whatever else needed to be done. Maybe that is just an excuse not to put out a few bucks for food and drinks.

I don't know why the poster that admitted they were lacking in the "how to" of funerals would even weigh in on this subject.

Thinkalot,

Where I am, NO church asks the family to provide a meal after a funeral, if the family wants anything afterwards. If anything some will take food to the family the days prior to the funeral so they can focus on their loved one and all that needs done.

Maybe it is a cultural difference or something I don't know. And that goes for all the states where I've lived.

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by Cdarocks

The service was tonight with well over 700 people in attendance.

Once I got over that there wasn't a church team to take care of the reception arrangements, my friend and I took it on and made it happen. In the end, it was exactly the right situation. I wouldn't have had it any other way. No one else could have provided something that was the perfect representation of our friend than those who knew and loved her best.

How grateful I am to have known such a wonderful person.

How lucky your friend was to have had you as a friend, Cdarocks! Yes, usually those who know and love a person the most can easily assemble what their loved one would have wanted.

I'm glad you made things happen.

Did you get any closure or any healing from the service? You have to remember to take care of yourself as your loss will hit you at a different level.

Sending my best....

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by convextech

I'm struggling with how to pay for the funeral, I'm sure as hell not calling a damn caterer.

I've been to some funerals where the church took care of everything, but my father didn't belong to a church. I've been to lots of funerals where there was no "reception" because they couldn't afford it. Maybe you belong to some high-society group with folks who can afford all that mess, but I assure you I am not, nor did my family or his friends expect it.

Have you ever been the spouse or the child? I seriously doubt it.

Life is tough. Real friends won't judge.

Convextech,

Life circumstances are different for many people. I'm sorry you lost your father.

I suspect those who knew and loved your father the most understand the financial struggles of a funeral. Those people would attend a service to honor your father and family, not eat.

Let us know how you are doing.

MSR

[Mtn. States Resident]

Originally Posted by Marcy1210

I have never been to a funeral that had caterers or full meals. My grandfather was a minister, so when he and his wife died, the church ladies took care of everything, but no sit-down meals.

The funerals I've been to for my in-laws, my parents and my husband were all relaxed, casual affairs. My in-laws had their services in their church, and then a reception put together by their friends in the church. The Ladies Auxiliary put it together and did all the set up and clean up. So no cost to us.

When my parents died, they didn't belong to a church, so we had the services in the mortuary chapel (they died a few months apart) and their friends and the people in their clubs (bridge, jazz band, etc) brought food to the mortuary and after the service we adjourned to an ante-room where my dad's jazz band played (for both of their services), and there were hors d'oeurves, tea sandwiches, tea, coffee, lemonade, cookies, brownies, etc., made by the club members, but no full meals, so again, no cost to us.

When my husband died, we had a reception at the funeral home but no service (he didn't want one), so it was more a gathering of friends, colleagues, clients, other attorneys, judges, and people he did business with for a celebration of life. I was totally numb, on auto-pilot and in shock, so the wives of some of his clients and other attorneys in town made the food (no catering), so we had sub sandwiches, chips, dips, veggie trays, fruit trays and tea, coffee and juice. They did a great job. They had asked me what kind of food I thought would be to Bob's liking, and what would go well for a 4:30 p.m. service, so my kids and I, and Bob's sister suggested the foods, and the ladies were wonderful about it. They did everything, including providing music cd's of his favorite artists, getting a slide show made and enlarging family photographs to decorate the hall. It was very touching and beautiful, and all put together by our friend's wives. For a guy who wanted no obit (but got one anyway) and no service (but got one anyway), he'd have approved. It was more like a cocktail party without the cocktails with people mingling, meeting each other for the first time, business cards exchanged, stories told about Bob from his childhood friends, and about him by his college friends, and by his colleagues in town. It was wonderful too, that several old friends of his and mine flew in from out of state, which made it more special.

I think if friends and family can work together, a very nice, after service reception can be done by either church ladies, or club wives (if they were in clubs), or friends and family. The services don't need to be expensive if others are willing to chip in and provide food, plates, silverware, glasses, napkins, etc.....creativity can pull off a very nice reception....

I agree Marcy. When those who cared about the person just lost work together, not only is the cost not a burden to the family or one person, but many help. Working together can also be tberapeutic talking about the person lost, sharing memories and tears.

MSR