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Old 02-07-2016, 01:45 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,115 posts, read 3,932,227 times
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After my husband died in 2010 I was encouraged to attend bereavement groups at the Hospice where he died. My mother had lost my stepfather 6 months prior so we both went together. We both found that these bereavement groups made us more sad than anything else. It's hard enough trying not to break down as it is without listening to other's peoples sad stories. I'm a sympathetic crier - if you start crying I will too. I would leave there feeling so drained that I quit going after 3 visits.


My mother got luckier - she met a nice man there who was 5 years younger than herself. It was too soon for the both of them however and it didn't last very long.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:26 PM
 
1,039 posts, read 607,224 times
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I know one and im 90% certain she actually murdered him.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:30 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,859 posts, read 3,717,072 times
Reputation: 15267
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiluvr1228 View Post
After my husband died in 2010 I was encouraged to attend bereavement groups at the Hospice where he died. My mother had lost my stepfather 6 months prior so we both went together. We both found that these bereavement groups made us more sad than anything else. It's hard enough trying not to break down as it is without listening to other's peoples sad stories. I'm a sympathetic crier - if you start crying I will too. I would leave there feeling so drained that I quit going after 3 visits.


My mother got luckier - she met a nice man there who was 5 years younger than herself. It was too soon for the both of them however and it didn't last very long.
I was encouraged to attend bereavement groups as well. The problems I had were:

1. The hospice group was 10 miles in the opposite direction of where I had to be for my kids, and I felt it was more important for me to be there for my kids.
2. The church group was meeting during the day, because 95% of the widows and widowers were retired, but I still worked!
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:35 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,573 posts, read 42,741,316 times
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I am not a widow, but I try to imagine what it would be like to have my husband gone, because some day it might happen.

It would leave an awful hole, since we are happy, but it would leave a big sense of peace and relief from stress if we were not. Either way, it would be a big adjustment.

The only thing I know, because I once had breast cancer, is if someone offers help, they really mean it, so accept it and bask in the caring they have for you. It makes them feel better and it makes you feel loved.
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Old 02-07-2016, 05:48 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,859 posts, read 3,717,072 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I am not a widow, but I try to imagine what it would be like to have my husband gone, because some day it might happen.

It would leave an awful hole, since we are happy, but it would leave a big sense of peace and relief from stress if we were not. Either way, it would be a big adjustment.

The only thing I know, because I once had breast cancer, is if someone offers help, they really mean it, so accept it and bask in the caring they have for you. It makes them feel better and it makes you feel loved.
This is very true. I was told by a very wise man when my husband was dying that people wanted to help, and it was my job to allow them to help me. He said it would be selfish of me to deny them the opportunity to help, since it was their way of grieving too.
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Old 06-19-2016, 08:11 PM
 
779 posts, read 2,965,192 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin View Post
What about widowers? Kind of thoughtless to only think about women who have lost their husbands, how about men who have lost their wives?

I took a look at your article to make sure I wasn't jumping the gun, I find it sad and again thoughtless to not have something for widowers.
I agree....We need to help widowers.

"The most common problem I found among these men was they did not know the size of clothes they wore because their wife always bought their clothes for them. Others did not know how to match colors and types of clothing to put an outfit together. Another problem was knowing how to wash their clothes or dishes or how to clean house. I had one customer who would come in and buy new clothes every few weeks because he didn’t know how to do his laundry and found it less expensive to buy new clothes than to take them to the cleaner on a regular basis. If they attended church, they did not feel comfortable letting it be known they needed assistance in this area, and the church simply expected that since he was a man and wasn’t making his needs known, he must now how to take care to these things. Another area was with finances. The man would work and let his wife take care of the checkbook and paying the bills and was lost when all of a sudden he had to do it. He would fall behind and have utilities shut off not knowing why." Read all:
https://comfort2themourning.wordpres...or-the-widower


I do not agree with the author (above) that men were lost when it comes to paying bills. Most do, of course know how but as one doctor explained- it is natural for attention and memory tasks to be impaired under stress. The widowed often go through a time where memory is impaired.




Also: R.C. Sproul Jr. - Ask RC: One year later after the passing of your wife, what have you learned?
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Old 06-19-2016, 11:22 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
I am not a widow, but I try to imagine what it would be like to have my husband gone, because some day it might happen.
I knew that my husband was dying for almost 4 years before he did. He used to sleep until noon, so I was up in the mornings by myself, and because I was trying to prepare myself, I used to try to imagine what it would be like after he died. When he actually did die, I realized that there was no way I could have imagined the pain, the confusion, the desolation, the long term displacement, of having your identity so completely altered. I don't think there is any way we can "get it" until it happens. We can prepare our financial lives, arrange the logistics, and such. But we cannot prepare our hearts, our emotional selves for this. It is beyond our imaginations.
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Old 06-20-2016, 12:37 AM
 
7,695 posts, read 12,848,079 times
Reputation: 9599
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikantari View Post
These days, 20 years later, I know a widow. My neighbor across the street. She lost her husband this year on March 17. I visit her almost every day and spend time with her. We share stories and I bring her food.

I was there for her 90th bday on Thanksgiving. .
What a blessing you are to her...
That friendship is probably what she needs the most !!!!
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Old 06-20-2016, 05:55 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,847 posts, read 1,166,193 times
Reputation: 6060
Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
I knew that my husband was dying for almost 4 years before he did. He used to sleep until noon, so I was up in the mornings by myself, and because I was trying to prepare myself, I used to try to imagine what it would be like after he died. When he actually did die, I realized that there was no way I could have imagined the pain, the confusion, the desolation, the long term displacement, of having your identity so completely altered. I don't think there is any way we can "get it" until it happens. We can prepare our financial lives, arrange the logistics, and such. But we cannot prepare our hearts, our emotional selves for this. It is beyond our imaginations.
^^ this ^^
I've been thru it twice - first wife of 37 years died of ALS. Luckily met a wonderful woman and remarried 1 1/2 years later. She passed away Easter Sunday from Cancer. The one person that you could count on, who always had your back, is gone and you realize how alone you are. It is terrifying in its own, lonely way.
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Old 06-20-2016, 05:58 PM
 
Location: Los Angeles>Little Rock>Houston>Little Rock
6,488 posts, read 6,603,162 times
Reputation: 17327
My best friend is a widow and I am twice over.
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