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Old 02-11-2015, 06:35 PM
 
Location: Austin
1,661 posts, read 2,981,307 times
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It's about the survivors. If they want open or closed casket then respect their choice. You are there to support and grieve with them, not to criticize them. I went to a funeral of a suicide case yesterday and did not see any trauma marks, and survivors placed notes flowers and small gifts into the casket with him and that was meaningful to the family. If you don't want to look then don't look.
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Old 02-13-2015, 11:06 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,498,726 times
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My family is used to big Irish wakes the night before and funeral the next day. I knew that's what my Mom wanted because she told me what top to lay her out in. I have a huge family and have unfortunately experienced a lot of death and wakes -- but there was one funeral home that did a particularly good job of making people look like themselves. So that's the one I chose. I gave them multiple photos of her and even gave them her own makeup. I was taken aback when I saw how beautiful she looked. It had been quite awhile since she had worn makeup so I had gotten used to seeing her without it. I wasn't upset at seeing her body, because I had been with her in the hospital as she was in a coma for six days and knew she was long gone. I even fixed a little of her makeup before folks came in. People who didn't even know her came to support me and said how beautiful she looked. I know she would have been pleased. I wish she could have seen herself!

I don't mean to sound cavalier or cold, but I guess having dealt with so many family deaths and open caskets, I am just so used to it.....but I do not like it when people do not look like themselves and there are funeral homes that do a very bad job.
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Old 02-14-2015, 12:05 AM
 
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,330 posts, read 1,976,748 times
Reputation: 10245
Quote:
Originally Posted by Avalon08 View Post
My family is used to big Irish wakes the night before and funeral the next day. I knew that's what my Mom wanted because she told me what top to lay her out in. I have a huge family and have unfortunately experienced a lot of death and wakes -- but there was one funeral home that did a particularly good job of making people look like themselves. So that's the one I chose. I gave them multiple photos of her and even gave them her own makeup. I was taken aback when I saw how beautiful she looked. It had been quite awhile since she had worn makeup so I had gotten used to seeing her without it. I wasn't upset at seeing her body, because I had been with her in the hospital as she was in a coma for six days and knew she was long gone. I even fixed a little of her makeup before folks came in. People who didn't even know her came to support me and said how beautiful she looked. I know she would have been pleased. I wish she could have seen herself!

I don't mean to sound cavalier or cold, but I guess having dealt with so many family deaths and open caskets, I am just so used to it.....but I do not like it when people do not look like themselves and there are funeral homes that do a very bad job.
That is the worst part....someone dies and the family tells you where the wake is going to be and you KNOW the funeral home does an awful job...it's like OH IT'S THERE....lucky for me, I have a photographic memory which really doesn't come in handy at times like these....that picture is in my mind.... and some people have been horribly ill and as hard as these establishment try, there is nothing they can do to make them look like they used to...My mom, dad and mother in law were all cremated....no viewings...and as much as someone says , don't look, it's hard not to...even from the back....many times I haven't gone up there to look and I've had friends who I am there to support say.."have you been up there to see her or him?" And then the other question, " Are you coming to the service?"
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Old 02-14-2015, 12:16 AM
 
Location: Scott County, Tennessee/by way of Detroit
3,330 posts, read 1,976,748 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by melissapla12 View Post
The last person I saw in a casket was my friend who committed suicide. It looked like her but I saw the marks on her neck from where she hung herself. She also had gashes on her knuckles. No clue where those came from.. But that just always stuck with me. Doesn't matter which viewing I go to but walking in and seeing that open casket up front makes my heart sink.
Mine does too....sorry for your loss..My cousin committed suicide last summer and I can still remember how he looked...our friend's son was shot and they had him laid out and he had this horrible wig on...he was only 18.. I kept thinking to myself why would they choose to have him look that way? I'll never forget that......
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Old 02-14-2015, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,083 posts, read 5,498,726 times
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Yes, there's one funeral home in my hometown that does the police and firefighters and does a HORRIBLE job. One friend was laid out there, a good-looking man who died suddenly, and he was unrecognizable. I had a girlfriend who also died suddenly in her late 50's -- a different funeral home had her hair bouffed up and PARTED ON THE WRONG SIDE. Another friend died of brain cancer and they had her laid out with a horrible wig and no eye make-up....she was fair and had definitely worn eye makeup in real life. A relative was dressed in a horrible brown jacket and orange scarf. I know the families are distraught and aren't as anal as I am (with multiple photos and strict instructions about Mom's hair and makeup), but everyone should know that you CAN tell the funeral director what you want and how you want your loved one to look. Go the funeral home early and make sure. I had my Mom's hair changed slightly and her lipstick softened up a bit at the last minute before people came in. I had to detach from the fact this was my Mom, because it wasn't my Mom, she was gone, but I wanted her body to look its best.
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Old 02-23-2015, 05:24 PM
 
9,863 posts, read 8,981,318 times
Reputation: 7945
People are going to say how good the person looks no matter what they may think. One certainly wouldn't tell a grieving relative the person looks terrible.

The reason I don't want anyone looking at me, our town has grown but we use to be a small one high school town and everyone knew everyone. My mother-in-law and her friend were professional, go to the funeral home and check out the dead. They didn't know the people. This was a common practice by many little ole ladies. Rank strangers checking out the casket (expensive or cheap box) their make-up, hair and clothing.

Just put your make-up on (if you are a female delete this if you are a man) fix your hair, put on a nice outfit, lay down on your bed, close your eyes, place your hands properly and get someone to take a picture of you to see what you are going to look like.

Funerals are for the living. I want my children and grandchildren to be comforted and supported by our friends and relatives.
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Old 02-25-2015, 07:35 PM
 
Location: Tulsa, OK
5,988 posts, read 9,973,985 times
Reputation: 36679
I actually had written permission to skip my wife's wake. We had filled out a form with our wishes about our funerals. Included in her's was the statement that she wanted a wake but she knew what I thought of them and didn't have to attend. I went anyway
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Old 02-26-2015, 01:15 PM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
Quote:
Originally Posted by studedude View Post
I actually had written permission to skip my wife's wake. We had filled out a form with our wishes about our funerals. Included in her's was the statement that she wanted a wake but she knew what I thought of them and didn't have to attend. I went anyway
Good for you, stude.
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Old 02-26-2015, 02:21 PM
 
4,948 posts, read 6,872,223 times
Reputation: 7860
Wakes are indeed the worst.
I went to a wake back in January and it's pretty traumatic..

As I waited in line and approached the casket it was almost like this surreal experience. I couldn't believe I'm going up to a dead body to go kneel at it and stare at it and say a prayer. I was practically terrified. I remember the amount of make up and the "candle wax" look to the skin it's unnerving indeed.

I know its such a sad time, but wakes are a tough one.
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Old 02-26-2015, 07:42 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,164 posts, read 16,515,249 times
Reputation: 13349
I once mentioned to my late wife that when I died I didn't want an open casket, as I'd prefer that people remember me from our times together, not what I look like in a coffin. She agreed, didn't want an open casket. So when she died unexpectedly at an early age (51), I told the funeral director that there was to be no open casket. (He said that was fine, but he'd still prepare her as if the casket were to be open, and if I changed my mind he could open the lid.)

An acquaintance of ours called from the funeral home, distraught. She had stopped there to visit her but said the funeral director told her he couldn't open the casket without my direction. She said she couldn't believe she was dead and needed to see her to accept it. I told her she could take my word for it, but that it was my wife's wishes she be remembered alive, not dead, and I wasn't going to make any exceptions.

I didn't view her body either. It wasn't a memory I wanted.
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