U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 02-02-2015, 03:04 AM
 
3 posts, read 4,918 times
Reputation: 16

Advertisements

Our son died last march, He was 15 and was hit by a lorry, He suffered a traumatic head injuries and died in hospital. I thought He was at school. We had a told him off the night before as we had found out he had tried smoking weed. (something that was very unusual for him to do, he was such a good lad) We discussed the dangers of drug taking and the worry we had as parents. The next morning , we all had breakfast together, me, my hubby, my Son (15) and his three siblings. After that it turned in to a usual Monday manic morning, lunches, hair, teeth and school runs. That morning my son (15) never said goodbye. At 08.45 I phoned my sons school to make them aware of my findings the night previous and asked if they could go check on my son as I felt worried. The teacher I spoke to said she would go check on him and give me a call back by the end of the day to talk about what I discussed. At 14.30 a policeman came to my door and I received the worse news any parent ever wants to hear. A family member has been involved in a RTI and has suffered a fatality. My first thoughts were my husband as he drove to work. The police man said its not your husband its your son. My next thought was my little son who had gone out with his Nan that day in her car.The police man next told me it was my eldest son had been hit by a lorry and they think He might have run out in front of it on purpose.... Then the fog came, This upsets me to even type it.
on my son that day was two bags with two sets of clothes, pj's and two pairs of pants, he had asked his friend to run away with him, His friend said no he was going to face the what ever trouble im in. My son said he didnt fancy school that day and was going to go to the skate park until things had calmed down.
I never had a phone call from the school that day to say of my sons absence, if I had I would have phoned the police and had people out looking for my lovely son.
The coroner pronounced my Sons death as Open.
Some days I feel dead, I find everything hard and go around in circles with my thoughts.
How do others cope, I have so much guilt and hatred for myself.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 02-02-2015, 04:45 AM
 
Location: Sudcaroland
10,664 posts, read 7,705,128 times
Reputation: 31964
I am sorry for your loss.
I think you should not feel guilty or hateful towards yourself. You have every right to be mad and feel empty, because you have lost a part of yourself. Maybe some professional help could help you unload that weight you are carrying.
Grieving is hard. I can't imagine losing my child. Please get some help and stop hating yourself.
Big hugs.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 05:18 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 21,981,509 times
Reputation: 23996
Wow!! What a loss! I could not even imagine what you feel, for I also have a 16 yr. old son.
My advice to you is to stop pointing fingers at yourself. He would not have wanted that for you.
You will never begin to heal if you blame yourself for anything.

I honestly think that we all have our day. We never know when or what time, but when our time is up, that's it. We don't understand it. Its not fair to the ones who pass so young, but it is what it is.
That's why its so important to cherish every moment with the ones you love. They could be gone tomorrow.
Tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

I lost my EX husband a year ago of a sudden massive heart attack. There was no chance to say good bye. No extra hug. No extra words, and no closure. I had a very rough year. I needed closure. Right after Christmas, I talked to him. I explained to him that I could not go on with feeling the way I did, and I had to "let him go." I told him the way I felt, and let me tell you...it has helped me, a lot!! I needed to accept it, but didn't want to. I missed him so damn much, but I knew that I had to get my head together, and move on. It was very hard, but now, I feel like I can hold my head up, and go on with my life.
Yes, he is gone. But I know that he would not have wanted me to sit around feeling like I was.

Im sorry for your loss, but he is still with you in spirit. Talk to him. He hears you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 11:14 AM
 
3 posts, read 4,918 times
Reputation: 16
Thank you Sudcaro and Yankeegirl, I have been to the doctors today as I do need some help/ support.

Thank you for your kind words of upliftment, and support, I really appreciate it x
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 12:34 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
34,538 posts, read 42,708,506 times
Reputation: 57184
I cannot even imagine how horrible your pain must be. The closest I have come to experiencing this was when my son's friend was killed suddenly. I remember his mother saying she laid in his room for weeks on end and just let the grief flow out. In her case, she has kept his memory alive over the years by speaking to children about the dangers of drinking and driving; the thing that killed her son, in hopes that his death was not in vain.

What I can tell you for sure is that it is not your fault he skipped school and was in the wrong place at the wrong time. The "if onlies" will weigh you down and sink you if you let them. It has been a year now, and it seems like maybe you should get some counseling to help you stop blaming yourself. Dealing with the loss of your son is hard enough without carrying the burden that you are to blame.

You have other children who need you to be there for them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 01:47 PM
 
5,525 posts, read 1,947,601 times
Reputation: 4001
Dear Brownie. I cannot even imagine how your heart is broken in a million pieces. I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your lovely boy.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 06:44 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,122 posts, read 3,636,143 times
Reputation: 13519
Brownie, first of all, my heart goes out to you in your tragic loss.

I know you know this, and it is SO TRUE, but you were only doing what a good parent would do when you found out about your son trying drugs, by talking to him (or being very firm with voices raised) You had a totally normal response for a parent who loves and cares for their child, so don't beat yourself up for being a good parent.

I SO totally don't believe that an argument with you suddenly caused him to do this. I believe he was ill by your description of him. If it was suicide, you couldn't have done anything to stop it, because you didn't know he was ill.
Since he'd never displayed any former depressive behaviour, and was a good child, you couldn't possibly have known what was going on inside his mind.

Please keep seeking help, go to grief groups for parents who have lost a child, and I hope with time you can heal, stop feeling guilty, and have as happy a life as possible with your family. Focus on your other children and husband... they need you too as you need them.

Keep the good memories of your son close to your heart. (((HUGS)))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-02-2015, 07:48 PM
 
Location: Maryland
421 posts, read 884,867 times
Reputation: 761
Quote:
Originally Posted by brownie265 View Post
Our son died last march, He was 15 and was hit by a lorry, He suffered a traumatic head injuries and died in hospital. I thought He was at school. We had a told him off the night before as we had found out he had tried smoking weed. (something that was very unusual for him to do, he was such a good lad) We discussed the dangers of drug taking and the worry we had as parents. The next morning , we all had breakfast together, me, my hubby, my Son (15) and his three siblings. After that it turned in to a usual Monday manic morning, lunches, hair, teeth and school runs. That morning my son (15) never said goodbye. At 08.45 I phoned my sons school to make them aware of my findings the night previous and asked if they could go check on my son as I felt worried. The teacher I spoke to said she would go check on him and give me a call back by the end of the day to talk about what I discussed. At 14.30 a policeman came to my door and I received the worse news any parent ever wants to hear. A family member has been involved in a RTI and has suffered a fatality. My first thoughts were my husband as he drove to work. The police man said its not your husband its your son. My next thought was my little son who had gone out with his Nan that day in her car.The police man next told me it was my eldest son had been hit by a lorry and they think He might have run out in front of it on purpose.... Then the fog came, This upsets me to even type it.
on my son that day was two bags with two sets of clothes, pj's and two pairs of pants, he had asked his friend to run away with him, His friend said no he was going to face the what ever trouble im in. My son said he didnt fancy school that day and was going to go to the skate park until things had calmed down.
I never had a phone call from the school that day to say of my sons absence, if I had I would have phoned the police and had people out looking for my lovely son.
The coroner pronounced my Sons death as Open.
Some days I feel dead, I find everything hard and go around in circles with my thoughts.
How do others cope, I have so much guilt and hatred for myself.
I too lost my son at an early age. This site may help you. It did me and I went to see Mr. Anderson and that was an incredible experience.

www.georgeanderson.com
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-03-2015, 12:49 AM
 
1,181 posts, read 2,456,893 times
Reputation: 1776
I'm so sorry for your loss. The death of a child is the worst grief any parent can feel. But, please do not feel guilty. If you had not loved and cared about your son you would not have been upset with him about the drugs. That showed you cared.

You are now going through the grief process which will take some time. Don't let anyone tell you how long it should take. Find a support group of people who have lost children. That will help you through the process.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 02-03-2015, 11:07 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,431 posts, read 18,144,759 times
Reputation: 18811
I am so sorry for your loss, brownie. I can't even imagine. However, you should not beat yourself up. As others have said, you were being a loving and GOOD parent. This is NOT your fault. The only fault there is is your son trying drugs. I'm really sorry he did but being a kid, what are you going to do? Most of them don't listen to us. YOU did all the right things a parent should do. Please believe us. Keep up your good parenting skills with your other children. Love them and your hubby with all your might. THEY NEED YOU. (((Hugs)))
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Grief and Mourning
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2018, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top