I am feeling suicidal: hopeless dreams and ambitions
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My story is very similar to a another certain person on this forum. http://forum.thegrad...-i-end-my-life/
I am in a far worse postion however, since at least she graduated with her Bachelor's while I am still in the community college level.
People say that OCD and PTSD occur together quite often. In terms of my life, I am quite sure that my OCD (officially diagnosed) was the cause of my probable PTSD (not diagnosed). I was always the child with many potentials and my high school year - despite past traumas from earlier childhood geekiness - could have been the most glorious era of my life. The problem, of course, was that I was first ignorant of even having OCD. Then I long denied myself that I have any problems. Finally, I foolishly gave into the urges of my OCD and became re-traumatized (because of the embarassing things I would do in public) during the time period that any person should remember forever - my senior year in high school. Community college should have been my ultimate second chance. My avoidance however became severe and I "intentionally' gave up on many opportunities. Finally, during the summer of 2013, I met a true great psychiatrist and was properly diagnosed with OCD and Panic Disorder. I took medications including Setraline (which should have helped out my PTSD if I have it). My life improved drastically. In every corners of my life, I would say that I am making major progresses. I re-continue my great relationships with my family and I am thankfully productive with my work.
The problem is that I hit a wall in my academic life. I went to two colleges of the LACCD (Pierce College and LAVC from Los Angeles Community College District), and my grades were horrendous for both of them. No - despite such embarassments - I do not consider myself "retarded";in fact - after given the proper medications - I took many "bull****" classes and some "upper division" classes like Organic Chemistry - receiving straight A's on all of them. The problem was that I stupidly gave in to my Obsessive Compulsive desires. I would be "forced" to do many non-academic things before I can even study or do homework. Several times, I could not even show up for the exams!!!!! Do you think this is the most painful things that you have ever heard? Well, I did have more choices: I could have dropped the classes before I received some shameful grades. It's just that my OCD voices -again - told me not to make the obviously sensible action. So I received F's that were completely unnecessary.
I am stuck in the community colleges for far too long. Not quite as long as those who "studied" for 10 to 15 years, but it is beyond 3 years and this embarassment is near the limit even for me. Because of my large collection of ****ty grades, I feel extremely hopeless right now. I will continue to take the "upper division" courses like the Final Organic Chemistry class, Physics 102 and 103 and Calculus 2 and 3, but I do not see how I can get out of this ****ty mess that I am in.
UCLA has always been - since I was a child - my dream school. I wanted to receive at least a Bachelor's at this school at a normal age (21 years old). When I failed so epically and passed the age of 21, I very reluctantly calmed down and optimistically promised myself further dates.
However, let me say this now, I fear that if I don't graduate by late 20's or early 30's, I may not be able to control my grief anymore and I might do something very regrettable. UCLA needed a minimum of 3.2 GPA. When I thought that my GPA at least improved to a 3.3 level, it turns out that it was only 2.9 cumulative. It may still reach 3.2, but this means more years at the community college. Yes, I am going to meet an academic counselor next week. However, based on my experience, most of these meetups are useless and the counselors may be mean ("What is this? Are you serious?"). After all of these years, I am still not quite sure about "academic forgiveness", how it really works in the community colleges and how it really works when UCLA looks at the grades. I want my ****ty grades to be completely eliminated though - of course - it would be "unfair" to some people.
Hah!!!!!"Unfair?" I am a completely different person than my past self. Why is it that no matter how much I improved the world will find new ways to continually suffocate me? Why should my past self be tormenting my transcripts?
I guess I could always go to CSUN, a university known for students with mediocre grades. I meant no disrespect to those students, but I would rather commit suicide than to fail myself again. I am sure some of you don't understand this basic fact, that I cannot change my dreams. Dreams are NOT wants, they are needs. I have a certain ultimate dream because I have a certain ultimate dream. When a dream is crushed, it is as bad as having no food or water. Please do not blame people when they commit suicide.
Again, I will go see a counselor next week. It seems like some of my grades were not forgiven despite the promises. I am getting tired of feeling hopelessness, so I hope to receive some help from you guys as well.
Thank you very much. You got realize how lucky you grads are.
Signing off,
A person who probably cannot become an paleontologist.
PS: I am a aware of a saying "you must have tried very hard to get stuck in a measly community college". In a way, this is true for me. I cannot stop people from making fun at me, but please at least help me out a little.
Many of us go through what you are now. You need to talk to someone now. Call The suicide hotline 800-273-8255
I am talking to psychiatrists. Most of the time, it is just CBT "you are doing great; it is your fault for your negative view"
I have a psychiatrist who at least acknowledge that my problems are real. He understood that - although there are people who suffered worst - I suffered greatly; having your ultimate dreams crushed is as bad as having no food or water. He was a rare good one.
I'm sorry to say this, but sometimes suicide is best. I'm not planning on killing myself yet, but I am feeling extremely low.
I recommend reading and posting in this thread: http://www.city-data.com/forum/mental-health/ - you are in the grief/mourning thread now (meaning those that have lost someone) - follow advice and contact suicide hotline.
I recommend reading and posting in this thread: http://www.city-data.com/forum/mental-health/ - you are in the grief/mourning thread now (meaning those that have lost someone) - follow advice and contact suicide hotline.
Many of us go through what you are now. You need to talk to someone now. Call The suicide hotline 800-273-8255
I agree with this. OP, as someone who got a good degree, I can tell you that I had a lot of colleagues that were not serious students in the past and shaped up later and made it (in your case, you have a health condition you can use to explain). There were even people who decided to have career changes and pursued new degrees in their 30's and 40's. Sometimes people find detours on the path to achieving their dreams, but eventually they can still make it. You should really see your psychiatrist and discuss your feelings. If you feel suicidal at the moment, you should go to the hospital right now.
You don't need a bunch of alphabet-soup diagnoses to decide which path to take. Forget all the baloney, just DO IT! So there, perhaps that's the first time anyone came right out and said it?
If you think I'm unsympathetic, think again. I was like you, not too long ago. I had an insurance issue, that was to my benefit, but I simply could not bring myself to do it. Once I realized I had missed a deadline, I simply could not bring myself to catch up, although it would have been money in my pocket, about $5000. I made myself sick with it. Every night, I would decide, well, I'm too tired, get a fresh start in the morning. Then, come morning, I would think well, its a bit too late o go out in today's mail regardless, so, I will postpone it until later this evening. And so on.......I'm embarrassed to admit, this went on for a YEAR! Seems once you get stuck in such a rut, its almost impossible to break it. Finally, I did. I asked my dh to take a day off, and hold my hand through it. fortunately, he's understanding. Most would blow their top at someone who left $5000 on the table for a year
His attitude, ok.....what's done is done, no use crying over it. Simply do it NOW. It was soooooo simple, but I just got stuck in a rut. As soon as the paperwork was complete, I drove in the sleet and rain to the post office and mailed it. What a sense of relief! Now I can function on other things! I think sometimes we play mind games to avoid other tasks.
So, just do it! sign up for another community college, or classes online, and don't look back. You've got your whole life ahead of you Go for it!
Just don't give into the feeling. Never give up and never surrender, better days are ahead, just hold on. Continue to seek professional guidance and even spiritual guidance through a clergy. Best of luck to you.
Your goal of having an undergraduate degree at 21 is an artificial threshold with no meaning to anyone other than yourself and you're the one who has imposed it on yourself. If you imposed it on me, I'd say give me a break! You can say that to yourself.
It's like a friend of a friend who had intended to go to law school but fertility reared its ugly head and he had two kids and a wife by the time he was 24. When he was 28 he was trapped in a dead end job and revisited his law school aspirations but kept thinking it would take too much time and energy and said he'd be 32 after four years of law school. He spoke to a lawyer he met at a wedding who encouraged him to get serious about it and asked him how old he'd be in four years if he didn't go to law school?
He'll be retiring soon after forty years as a highly successful litigator.
Ask your shrink if it would be possible to get more aggressive with therapy.
Quote:
.......Treatment for OCD involves the use of behavioral therapy and sometimes selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). The type of behavior therapy used involves increasing exposure to what causes the problems while not allowing the compulsive behavior to occur. Atypical antipsychotics such as quetiapine may be useful when used in addition to an SSRI in treatment-resistant cases but are associated with an increased risk of side effects...... Obsessive
Picking up credits in a community college at a relaxed pace seems like it would work well at this time. If you are taking classes in California, you will be automatically accepted at one of the state universities ....... if all you can get at first is a crappy school, transfer out after about a year. At any rate, graduate school is more important for paleontology than undergrad.
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Go for it!
