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February 5th, I said good-bye to a loved one for the last time. Doris had been my "second mother" for the last 15 years (after the death of my own mom) in 2001. She was also my mom's nearest and dearest friend, and I first met Doris when I was born (55 years ago).
She was at our house every week, visiting Mom and chatting with us kids. She took us to the beach and out for rides in her nice car. She was a lot of fun.
In Doris' last years, I was finally able to pay back a few of the many kindnesses she'd done for me and my mother. I visited Doris once a week and took her some food and we ate lunch together. When she went into the hospital, I showed up every morning and read the Bible to her.
The last few weeks were very intense. There was no family, so me and another woman took care of her, acted as her advocate in the medical world and sat with her daily. (She was terrified of hospitals.) We were with her those last days, as she was leaving earth.
In short, I loved her dearly but she wasn't at the center of my life. I visited her regularly but I didn't see her every day.
And yet, I am still busting out in tears when I talk about her.
I'm a little puzzled. Why do you imagine crying is silly?
Of course she wants you ultimately to be happy. But it's by mourning - including crying - that in a way we honor those we've loved. That's wonderful that you were able to be there for her. I'm sure she loved that, and would love that you're missing her enough to be crying.
It'll stop when it stops. It'll gradually ease up. Don't worry about it. And don't let people bully you by telling you to pull yourself together.
Of course it eases up eventually, but I don't think it makes sense to hurry it. It sounds like you should be comforted by your knowledge that you were so good with her.
Tears are a gift. They help us heal. They help us to understand the depth of our feelings. They help us to come back to a place of peace. Don't ever feel ashamed of or apologize for your tears. You are mouring someone who was dear to you all of your life. Even if you did not see her every day, she was important in your feeling loved and supported. And you loved and supported her. It seems to me that you were blessings to each other. This is what life is about. As was said, you will stop crying when it is time. And after that, you will be sad, but not necessarily cry. And then you will start to smile when you remember her. Have faith and patience, and let the process unwind. You will get through it, and you will be an even more compassionate, understanding and loving person because of it. It is up to all of us to share our gifts with others. Sometimes, our gift is our grief. Someone else will feel more patient and accepting with their grief because they have seen your patience and acceptance with yours.
RosemaryT,,,It's OK to cry. For some people it takes longer than others..it really hasn't been that long...When my dog died I couldn't tell anyone for 3-4 days without turning into a blubbering mess, and that's a dog, not a person you've seen and loved all your life.
Time will ease the pain...it's very hard (painful even) to lose someone like that. I can only say I'm sorry for your loss, and the pain you are feeling.
Everyone's different and there can never be a time limit on grief.....take care.
RosemaryT, sometimes in my life a very small bit of frustration or sadness can seem to open a floodgate of sadness that I've been holding in. While it may seem, even to you, that you're overreacting to this woman's death, you may be crying about losing your own mother years ago, and other sad and difficult periods you've been through. Just try to let it go and happen as it happens. It might be useful to write about it, or keep a journal of things you're thinking and feeling.
I didn't cry at all when my father died, but a few months later I went to the funeral of a friend's elderly grandmother and I started crying and couldn't stop. It was embarrassing because her family members weren't even crying. I always have late onset grief reactions and never know what's going to trigger it.
I didn't cry at all when my father died, but a few months later I went to the funeral of a friend's elderly grandmother and I started crying and couldn't stop. It was embarrassing because her family members weren't even crying. I always have late onset grief reactions and never know what's going to trigger it.
Yes, this happened to me, too. When my grandfather died, it was during finals at college, and I was unable to go to the funeral (in another state) or to think about it too much. Time just went on. Two years later, I had a vivid dream about him, which launched me into a couple of weeks of sadness and grief. Yes, grief will be expressed, and really, that is a healthy thing. Tears are good.
There is nothing silly about crying for your friend, even if she was not the center of your world. She was your friend. You clearly cared about her as evident by your actions until she passed.
Grief and mourning have no timeframe. Nobody should tell you how or when to get over it. Truth is, sometimes it takes a very very long time. I think the key is to let yourself cry, and let the emotions move through you. If you try to suppress your feelings, or make yourself "stop" - it will interrupt your body and mind's natural way of working through it all.
I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
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