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Old 06-14-2015, 09:25 PM
 
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There's no "normal" for mourning. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a jerk.

Some people can't mourn.

Some people quit mourning almost immediately.

Some don't stop for a few years.

Some get past it by meeting someone new.

And some it takes a lifetime to stop mourning.
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Old 06-18-2015, 05:41 PM
 
Location: One foot in CT one in KS
2,189 posts, read 2,902,677 times
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This. ^^^^

I still miss a dog that died 15 years ago, for another "soul connection" dog that passed in March, the grief is rawer but I'm sure that I will miss her as long as I'm alive. Your friend is right, things aren't the same. We have to make and accept the new normal without them.
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:15 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,722,259 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyFarm34 View Post
A friend of mine does this. Is this a typical thing people do to talk about their loved ones all the time that has passed many years ago.? She always talk about how she misses them and how things aren't the same without them. Including a cat that she had.
Yes. And it's normal to grieve quickly and move on. Everyone grieves in their own way. I grieved my mother for decades AND a cat ironically. The cat was my source of comfort after my mom died so I felt this cat's loss more than the others. I'd say it took me about 25 years to move on. Some people simply cannot be replaced and their loss leaves a gapping hole. My mother's death when I was 22 left such a hole. For about 15 years the hole was ragged and raw. Then the edges smoothed and it wasn't quite so painful. Now having a hole in my heart is normal. There's just a piece missing but it no longer hurts. It's just normal to not have a mother. It's normal for my kids to not have a grandmother. So normal that becoming a grandmother myself didn't reopen the wound. It does seems strange though. Like kids aren't supposed to have grandmothers so I have a hard time thinking of myself as one.

Yes, this is normal. So is every other way of grieving. I would suggest you let your friend talk. She wouldn't be doing it if she didn't need to. You might want to suggest she find a grief counseling group to go to. She is most certainly not alone and could benefit from others in the same situation.
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:19 PM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,393 posts, read 29,722,259 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AK-Cathy View Post
This. ^^^^

I still miss a dog that died 15 years ago, for another "soul connection" dog that passed in March, the grief is rawer but I'm sure that I will miss her as long as I'm alive. Your friend is right, things aren't the same. We have to make and accept the new normal without them.

You never forget. It just becomes normal for them to be gone.

My current cat is one I'll mourn for a long time. I thought I lost her a couple of months back when she disappeared for 4 days. She just knows me and knows what I need. I've had others over the years but it's normal now for them to not be here. It does take time.
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Old 06-18-2015, 06:21 PM
 
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It's not the norm, no. Especially not with pets. I suspect it's most often with people who have nothing else in their lives. And I wonder if her friends contribute to it by "rewarding" her with sympathy.
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Old 06-18-2015, 11:58 PM
 
Location: 900 miles from my home in 80814
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
It's not the norm, no. Especially not with pets. I suspect it's most often with people who have nothing else in their lives. And I wonder if her friends contribute to it by "rewarding" her with sympathy.
My husband passed away almost six years ago, but I still deeply grieve and cry for him at the drop of a hat. My life is very full. I'm the VP of my Home Owner's Association, on two committees, lead the Book Club every week (so I also read a lot), am a seamstress, and travel a bit. My son lives nearby and I have pets. I have lots of friends, and if I talk about my husband, my friends are very understanding.

I think the OP's friend copes with her grief by talking about her loss. Sometimes, when you talk out your feelings, it helps you accept their loss, or at least keep the person you lost close in your heart. Sometimes it takes years, even a lifetime to ever dome to grips with your losses.
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Old 06-19-2015, 12:02 AM
 
Location: U.S. (East Coast)
1,231 posts, read 978,318 times
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I still mourn my losses in my private time. It strikes me every once in awhile.. I'll start to think of them, cry, go to bed early and mourn... then wake up the next day and carry on my life again without telling a soul.
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Old 03-31-2016, 06:00 PM
Status: " ." (set 5 days ago)
 
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Sometimes talking about them is remembering their shared lives, not just mourning them.
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Old 04-01-2016, 07:43 AM
 
11,685 posts, read 13,095,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bulmabriefs144 View Post
There's no "normal" for mourning. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a jerk.

Some people can't mourn.

Some people quit mourning almost immediately.

Some don't stop for a few years.

Some get past it by meeting someone new.

And some it takes a lifetime to stop mourning.
Yes to the above, but I would add that some people do come to an end of feeling grief, and while they have recollections they are not tinged with grief and mourning.
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Old 04-01-2016, 09:30 AM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,253,758 times
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It depends on what you mean by mourning. I know people who have had a significant loss and who do just fine in every day life, but still may have a "bad day" every now and then, even 10 or 15 years later. I suspect that they still have some private grieving. I think that private periods of grieving can go on for a lifetime. You can suddenly miss something that person often said or did, miss a touch, or have sounds and smells bring back memories that are bitter sweet. In addition, doing something for the first time without the loved one can bring on sad feelings. For example, if a person moves to a new home 5 years after the loss, this can bring out feelings of sadness and loss as you go through the process alone rather than with a spouse, or when packing and sorting their things. Lots of folks don't sit around talking about how sad they are, but there will always be a "hole in the heart." I consider that to be completely normal. So how much time spent in deep grief is too much? Who knows? As people have said, everyone is different. My grandmother lost a child when he was 2 years old. She died at age 86, and was buried holding one of his little outfits in her arms. She had saved that outfit all those years for that purpose. I never saw her openly grieve. She was a cheerful, productive, wonderful woman. But obviously, the hole in the heart was there. I would say that was life-long grief for a lost child.
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