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Old 04-09-2016, 10:20 PM
 
1,239 posts, read 616,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohiogirl81 View Post
I'd think it would be weird if people didn't talk about loved ones that they miss.

Mourning never ends. It changes in intensity, but it never ends.

Because not everyone is as kind as the folks on this thread. I have learned to keep my mouth shut because people think I should be passed this level of grief intensity by now.
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Old 04-09-2016, 11:11 PM
 
Location: Mid-Atlantic
22,749 posts, read 21,804,424 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jamary1 View Post
There are some people who seem to make their entire life out of their bereavement. It brings to mind a woman I know who, frankly, doesn't get invited to things much anymore because she can manage to turn any occasion or conversation around to her loss. Mention that your child is graduating from high school and she'll jump in with "my husband didn't get to see our daughter graduate from high school" or if your offspring are getting married or expecting, it's "that's nice, but my husband never got to walk our daughter down the aisle/see his grandchildren." Merry Christmas? "It's not merry for me, my husband isn't here to enjoy it with me." You get the picture. And he's been gone for about 20 years now. I'm not saying she shouldn't be mourning her husband.....it's just that not everything in the world has to be about her grief. It's OK to be happy for someone else.
It's sad that no one has told her to shut the he!! up about her grief. I did that to my mom. I felt that I had to. I was as gentle as I could be, and did my best to launch her into the future. It took years.

When a new loss or trauma occurs, all of the old losses, misunderstandings, grievances can jump to the forefront and overwhelm. You remember them all. At least I did.
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Old 04-11-2016, 01:01 AM
 
3,967 posts, read 5,255,783 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
It's sad that no one has told her to shut the he!! up about her grief. I did that to my mom. I felt that I had to. I was as gentle as I could be, and did my best to launch her into the future. It took years.

When a new loss or trauma occurs, all of the old losses, misunderstandings, grievances can jump to the forefront and overwhelm. You remember them all. At least I did.
That is actually a good idea, but do it in a loving way. I know its not the same thing, but my mom remarried after my dad's death, and that marriage resulted in divorce. My mom was terribly embarrassed, guilty, shamed, etc. about this. After a year of her talking about it at EVERY OPPORTUNITY, I finally asked her to stop - to just let it be in the past. She was a bit shocked, but she did it, and it was way easier to live around her. I think it helped her to get on with life, too. I think she was stuck. Sometimes, we need a friend or a loving relative to tell us to stop destructive behavior.
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Old 04-16-2016, 08:48 PM
 
1,239 posts, read 616,747 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerania View Post
It's sad that no one has told her to shut the he!! up about her grief. I did that to my mom. I felt that I had to. I was as gentle as I could be, and did my best to launch her into the future. It took years.

When a new loss or trauma occurs, all of the old losses, misunderstandings, grievances can jump to the forefront and overwhelm. You remember them all. At least I did.
No, you learn something called "empathy". I feel really sorry for your mom. Is she really better off now, or do you just no longer have to listen to it?
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Old 04-16-2016, 10:17 PM
 
1,040 posts, read 543,719 times
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Default Reload this Page Is it normal to mourn a loved one afer years and years has passed?

Yes a person can mourn a loved one after years and years have passed. But what can be concluded from this? Not sure I understand..
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Old 04-19-2016, 06:56 AM
 
7,100 posts, read 3,795,723 times
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I think the question is: it that abnormal or pathological? Of course, you'd have to define "mourning." So far it sounds like talking to others about feeling sad which is, of course, verboten in our modern culture.
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Old 04-19-2016, 09:04 AM
 
Location: SWFL
21,466 posts, read 18,172,971 times
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Marcy, my friend, I am so pleased to see that my words had a real impact for you. I marvel at the times God has put the right words in my mouth. Not often but enough to know it is not my thought process coming out.

My anchor got pulled in '04 when my daddy died. I survived because of the love and caring of my husband. When he died 8 years later my whole anchor was gone. I was set adrift on the ocean of life alone. Yes, the devastating and crippling grief is over but my mourning continues. What is mourning? It is feeling sorry for yourself. Plain and simple and I apologize to no one. No one feels for my husband the way I do. I can empathize but a person's grief is their own.

Since coming down here I have weaned myself off my "happy pills". I didn't do myself any favors by doing so. I now have "regressed". I am back to crying a lot because I am so pitifully lonely. All my animals have died too since "Daddy" has too, except my parrot and a bird is not a fuzzy, warm, cuddly animal. So I "stuff it down" as far as I can and go through the motions every day. "There is no joy in Mudville" but I need to "fake it" every day until it's my time to be reunited with him, my parents and grandparents.

I just said the other day to my friends in "my room", society wants everyone to be happy 24/7/365. Reality does not work that way. BUT it is not healthy to wallow in your misery either. A certain mid-way point is needed to be able to function. I feel bad for others who can not go to functions without turning it around to their misery. One must really suffer in silence in order to not make others uncomfortable. That is good though, trains yourself to be a little stronger.

There is no "right way" to mourn, only what society says and I thumb my nose at society. If I want to be sad the rest of my life, that is my prerogative. Mine alone. If I want to go find another man like hubby told me to do, I will. I just don't want to, even though I am so lonely. Loneliness is not the worst thing. I've had the bad marriage and was lonely. Loneliness by death is more preferable to me.

I used to have no empathy and couldn't understand people in these circumstances but as soon as Mom died, I learned. I have learned with every death I have dealt with and makes me a better person.

Wishing peace to those that need it,
Tami
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