four years since his death....still learning to cope

[Suevee]

On Wednesday September 24 my husband would have been 66 and preparing for retirement. On October 7 he will have been gone for 4 years. His funeral was on October 11 and his funeral at Arlington was December 28. The past 3 years I have made sure I was traveling during this time period. This year I am staying home.....I can't run forever. ..but it is still hard.

[Marcy1210]

My husband passed away almost six years ago, a week short of his 60th birthday, very unexpectedly. I usually try to do something special for October 26th, his day of passing, and I have a little birthday dinner for him on November 3rd. He would have been 66 this coming November 3rd. Really hard to imagine him being 66, when I don't feel any different than I did at 57 when he died...sigh.

[G Grasshopper]

I am sorry for the losses both of you have had. My husband died on December 6. He was 65. This year will be the first anniversary. His was not a sudden death - we knew it was coming, but it has been just devastating to me. I had almost 4 years to prepare, while taking care of him. But I have learned that this seems to make little difference in the loss. I still feel disbelief sometimes, and often just profound sadness that I can't be with him, that life here will always be without him. I know that my "new life" has potential to be happy and that I have a lot of resources, friends, interests, etc. But the fact that he is not here to share in the adventures of life makes any pleasures seem less shining. Joy is attenuated. I will be traveling when that anniversary arrives. I will be moving back to our former community in January, so I have have a short trip in early December arranged to do some preparation at my new house. Perhaps I should have dinner with friends that night, to think about my husband and how much he was loved by lots of people. I have two close friends there who are also widows, and who do understand how difficult this is.

[lubby]

My dad died in 2004 at age 57 and my uncle who was like a second dad to me died in 2008 at age 57. I try and visit the grave where my uncle is a couple of times a year. My dad was cremated so my mom has his ashes. My dad's was not sudden either, he had pancreatic cancer and even though we knew his life would be cut short it's still difficult. My mom still has days where she misses him and her brother and finds it hard to cope but other times she's ok. My uncle died from diabetes complications and almost died many times but he always had the will to live because of his kids. I went to grief counseling just after my dad died and it helped. Have any of you done that? The sad thing is my dad would have loved being a grandpa and since his death my brother has gotten married and had 2 kids ages 4 and 2. We try telling my niece and nephew about him but they are so young and don't understand why they only have one grandpa. You never get over loosing a loved one and don't let anyone tell you when you should be over it.

[G Grasshopper]

I did go to counseling. In fact, my husband and I went together for a while to make sure we had missed nothing in being at one in our approach to his death. Then I continued with the counselor for several months after his death. I also went to a spousal loss support group at my hospice. It was once a week for 10 weeks. This was very beneficial to me, as I learned about how others have experienced this loss, realized how fortunate my husband and I were in some ways, and came away feeling that I was not alone. I don't believe this has made my grief less, but I accept it more than I did. I don't feel that I'm "going crazy," but understand that this is how grief works. I am more patient with myself and with the process. One of the women in the support group had a situation similar to mine, and we have become good friends, helping each other through the rough spots. So the support has continued. So yes, I think that counseling can be very helpful. Hospice had groups for other demographics besides mine also.

[Gerania]

My husband went to Arlington five years ago today. This was also my favorite brother's birthday. It's not a great day for me. I asked my son if he wanted to go out to get a bite to eat... or something. He said he was exhausted and was going to bed early. I didn't do much of anything.

There are some very unpleasant things going on in my life right now, and I am acutely aware of their absence.

Strangely, my brother died on my husband's birthday.

[G Grasshopper]

Special anniversaries are a funny thing, it seems. In March, my husband's birthday and our wedding anniversary are a few days from each other. I thought it would be particularly rough since it was the first year after his death. But I really didn't want to go out. I just stayed home both days, did what I would normally do, and had a quiet dinner at home, with my son. The days were not any more difficult than any other day. I wonder if this has to do with how much emphasis was placed on these days while the loved one was alive. We were not big into celebrating on particular days, so perhaps that is why I didn't have a big reaction. But who knows, I may have a terrible day on Thanksgiving or Christmas. I can't predict.

I'm sorry about the unpleasant things in your life. Ten months after my husband's death, and I am trying to cope with selling my house and moving, and seem to have developed a disk problem in my neck. It never stops. I miss him terribly.

[Suevee]

My husband's brother and I spent the morning in Arlington Cemetery on my husband's birthday. It was a lovely crisp day. We then went to a restaurant my husband enjoyed. We shared memories and stories of all our loved ones who have died. It was a bittersweet day. Better than I expected.