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I also hate the "its all in God's plan" answer. If everything that happens is in this plan, then God is wanting people to suffer from disease, war, rape, murder, mutilation, etc., etc., for as a part of the plan for good. But that flies in the face of the idea that we are given choice in the way we live. So if I choose to hit the guy next to me, I'm not responsible because it was in God's plan? A God who plans all those things is not the loving God I know. Once again, people say this without thinking. Society has told them it is OK to say to it to the grieving, but it is NOT.
We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
Quote: "So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.
If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.
If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.
Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bull****."
I wrote a rather long thread a while back here regarding the death of my son and part of it relates to what not to say to grieving parents or someone grieving a suicide.
I would have much preferred a hug or silence or just I'm sorry over some of the bulls*it said to me and actually done to me.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, so we can agree to disagree on that.
There should be some type of common sense rule or grief etiquette for the "know it nothings" that choose to open their ignorant mouths about something they don't have a clue about.
I wish I would have laid into a couple of people when things were said to me, but I didn't have the gonads back then to do it.
There's a group on FB called The Compassionate Friends and it's for parents, grandparents and siblings that lost someone. That was the only place that felt like home after my son died. Everybody knew exactly how I felt and what I was going through and still go through six years later. You don't ever "get over it".
You learn to live the rest of your life with it.
You are right that those people that are rude and insensitive are people that need to be let go. Who knows, maybe someday those unkind or unrealistic words will come back to haunt them and someone will speak those words to them.
I am deeply sorry for your loss and the pain and suffering your family is going through. You and your family have every right to be angry right now. You're all in the beginning stages of grief and no one here has the right to pass judgement unless they've walked in those shoes. We're not supposed to lose our children. We're supposed to die before them.
My brother died of suicide when he was almost 16 and I was 17. I watched the HELL my Mother went through every single day. She had just finished having him go to counseling two weeks prior to his death. We thought she'd end up in a mental hospital because of it. Suicide leaves a path of destruction for the people they loved. Anger, guilt and a host of other emotions wondering if you could have done ANYTHING different to help that person.
Maybe because I watched the pain my Mom went through, I was better equipped to handle my son's death, but the second year for me was harder because I think I was in shock for the most part of the first year.
People will say that grief is the same. They're wrong! I didn't have to endure the pain of my child's death to suicide. I know that my Mom suffered much more than I. I know that a parent that has a child murdered or has to take care of a disabled or child with cancer suffers much more than I through their death.
I am so very lucky to have two sisters and one brother as my best friends that have seen me through my darkest days. Sometimes you do have to "drop" people because they're too self absorbed to show a little empathy. My older brother was one of those people I dropped. He never told me he was sorry and I finally confronted him after five years about it. His words to me were, "I was devastated by his death! I look at his picture every day and cry!" and I just said, "I'm his Mom and I raised him, how do you think I feel?" He didn't say a word, nor did he tell me he was sorry for what I was going through. He's always been an arrogant, self centered person that thinks the world revolves around him. He's gone from my life and also from my sibling's lives.
You and your family are probably experiencing the worse tragedy of your lives. Be there for each other as a family should be. Feel the different stages of grief that you'll all go through. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for feeling as you do right now. If people are rude and insensitive, then drop them. If they're decent people, they'll realize they were wrong and come back and apologize. If not, you'll make room in your lives for more good people to enter into.
It's not going to be an easy road to travel and my heart does ache for you and your family and anyone that looses a child or anyone to suicide.
I am deeply sorry for your loss and the pain and suffering your family is going through. You and your family have every right to be angry right now. You're all in the beginning stages of grief and no one here has the right to pass judgement unless they've walked in those shoes. We're not supposed to lose our children. We're supposed to die before them.
My brother died of suicide when he was almost 16 and I was 17. I watched the HELL my Mother went through every single day. She had just finished having him go to counseling two weeks prior to his death. We thought she'd end up in a mental hospital because of it. Suicide leaves a path of destruction for the people they loved. Anger, guilt and a host of other emotions wondering if you could have done ANYTHING different to help that person.
Maybe because I watched the pain my Mom went through, I was better equipped to handle my son's death, but the second year for me was harder because I think I was in shock for the most part of the first year.
People will say that grief is the same. They're wrong! I didn't have to endure the pain of my child's death to suicide. I know that my Mom suffered much more than I. I know that a parent that has a child murdered or has to take care of a disabled or child with cancer suffers much more than I through their death.
I am so very lucky to have two sisters and one brother as my best friends that have seen me through my darkest days. Sometimes you do have to "drop" people because they're too self absorbed to show a little empathy. My older brother was one of those people I dropped. He never told me he was sorry and I finally confronted him after five years about it. His words to me were, "I was devastated by his death! I look at his picture every day and cry!" and I just said, "I'm his Mom and I raised him, how do you think I feel?" He didn't say a word, nor did he tell me he was sorry for what I was going through. He's always been an arrogant, self centered person that thinks the world revolves around him. He's gone from my life and also from my sibling's lives.
You and your family are probably experiencing the worse tragedy of your lives. Be there for each other as a family should be. Feel the different stages of grief that you'll all go through. Don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong for feeling as you do right now. If people are rude and insensitive, then drop them. If they're decent people, they'll realize they were wrong and come back and apologize. If not, you'll make room in your lives for more good people to enter into.
It's not going to be an easy road to travel and my heart does ache for you and your family and anyone that looses a child or anyone to suicide.
Thank you Cam. You've had your share of pain and suffering from losing loved ones. (HUGS)
We just lost our nephew to suicide and my sister in law posted this on her face book page. I thought some of you would understand this article. You don't have to listen to platitudes.
Quote: "So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.
If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.
If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.
Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bull****."
While that may be true, what some people do or say after a loss does not align with the immediate family's expectations regardless of what is said or done. It's important to understand that is magnified after what some people would term a "senseless" death (i.e. not old age or protracted illness, but a catastrophic accident, homicide, or suicide). There are some people for whom nothing will ever be sufficient after a loss of this type. No condolences or unspoken actions will bring the family any satisfaction regardless of who says or does it, or what is said or done. They're already angry, and the best possible condolence can only be as good as "least inadequate".
On the other side, a death doesn't just affect one person or one family. It can have widespread effects on people, which vary based on the relationship to the deceased. There are people who want to do something for the family but don't really know what to do or say. They sometimes stupidly regurgitate idiotic cliches like "everything happens for a reason". Well, that's stupid of them, and they should know better, but a lot of people aren't at their best after someone dies, and frankly, a lot of peoples' best effort at anything has never been that good anyway.
While these people who seem to have a way of putting their feet in their mouths after a death really should know better, not knowing better, or just not knowing what to do at all, doesn't necessarily make them bad people either. Because as difficult as loss is for surviving family, a family's reaction after a tragic loss is often highly unpredictable and/or inconsistent. They can become extremely selfish, to the point where they put together a **** list of all the people who didn't live up to their expectations. "Letting people go" can inflict collateral damage that spreads much wider than they think, especially considering that they are also not thinking clearly themselves, after a tragic loss.
While that may be true, what some people do or say after a loss does not align with the immediate family's expectations regardless of what is said or done. It's important to understand that is magnified after what some people would term a "senseless" death (i.e. not old age or protracted illness, but a catastrophic accident, homicide, or suicide). There are some people for whom nothing will ever be sufficient after a loss of this type. No condolences or unspoken actions will bring the family any satisfaction regardless of who says or does it, or what is said or done. They're already angry, and the best possible condolence can only be as good as "least inadequate".
On the other side, a death doesn't just affect one person or one family. It can have widespread effects on people, which vary based on the relationship to the deceased. There are people who want to do something for the family but don't really know what to do or say. They sometimes stupidly regurgitate idiotic cliches like "everything happens for a reason". Well, that's stupid of them, and they should know better, but a lot of people aren't at their best after someone dies, and frankly, a lot of peoples' best effort at anything has never been that good anyway.
While these people who seem to have a way of putting their feet in their mouths after a death really should know better, not knowing better, or just not knowing what to do at all, doesn't necessarily make them bad people either. Because as difficult as loss is for surviving family, a family's reaction after a tragic loss is often highly unpredictable and/or inconsistent. They can become extremely selfish, to the point where they put together a **** list of all the people who didn't live up to their expectations. "Letting people go" can inflict collateral damage that spreads much wider than they think, especially considering that they are also not thinking clearly themselves, after a tragic loss.
I think this is essentially true. I think a few people do more than put their foot in it, but actually are vindictive, destructive, etc. (I once talked to the mom of a teen who died of a drug overdose who had someone tell her "you are better off without him") So leaving aside people like that, I agree that most people just don't know how to handle situations like this. They do what they have been taught, which in many cases in not really appropriate. But they have no bad intentions. I had people say some of those pat, inappropriate things to me, and, although I corrected a few, I mostly took it, and did not hold it against them. The thing is that when one's whole life is filled with grief over the loss, it does not help anything to add more negative feelings by being angry at awkward expressions of sympathy. What I mean is that reacting with anger at stupid cliches only adds more hurt to the griever. Understanding and forgiving others is something we can do to help ourselves to heal. I have found that, when we are able, it is easier to live with our grief if we care for others who have needs. I know this is easier said than done, but I also know that giving helps us to heal. So in a small way, we forgive, care for, shepherd those who don't know what to say to us, and that helps us to feel that we are still human, still capable of love and forgiveness, and it helps us to reclaim a little bit of our footing.
Out of all this, to me, the wisest and most simple words spoken to a grieving person are "I'm sorry", and give them a hug. Say some nice things to them about their loved one if you wish.
Another thing you can do is to just be there to listen and encourage the grieving ones to talk about their loss IF and when they choose.
No one wants to cook or even think about eating when they suffer a loss. Cook them a meal, make a casserole they can freeze for later, take them out for coffee or lunch, give them a gift certificate to a restaurant, or have a supermarket deliver a food tray. (the place where my sister in law works sent them various restaurant meals EVERY single day for a month after their son's death- such an act of kindness)
Help shovel walkways, vacume, wash dishes, take their dog for a walk, babysit if they have kids, etc. Small things are SO appreciated when people are lost in their grief.
One more very stressful thing a grieving family must do is write thank you notes. Ask if you can help them write them out. They might welcome the help or say no thanks, but the offer is appreciated.
Write down the date of the death, and send them a card on the anniversary of their loved one's death.
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