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Old 01-04-2016, 11:41 AM
 
5,455 posts, read 3,360,487 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kell490 View Post
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
It is possible your sister feels guilt and remorse for not visiting her grandmother all these years. People do change. This should be a chance for all of your family to reconnect.
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Old 01-04-2016, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Yakima yes, an apartment!
8,340 posts, read 6,755,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kell490 View Post
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
"I'll go, if there's a luncheon provided. But if not, then I'll stay home"
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Old 01-04-2016, 12:33 PM
 
527 posts, read 685,487 times
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You sound extremely angry.

Sometimes folks go the funeral to ease their own minds and to simply say goodbye to the person's memory. It's not really your business, nor should it be your concern, what her reasoning is for going. If you feel so inclined to go, please do so, but the anger and hurt you feel toward your sister is a waste of your energy.

I do hope you get some peace in this situation. I know losing a grandparents can be extremely difficult.
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Old 01-04-2016, 12:38 PM
 
11,558 posts, read 12,023,335 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kell490 View Post
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
I would think just by you 'telling her not to attend' would be upsetting. It's her decision.
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Old 01-04-2016, 02:08 PM
 
Location: Upstate NY 🇺🇸
36,754 posts, read 14,774,183 times
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One reason to go is to pay respect to family members. People lose touch with each other and grow apart for many reasons. Throughout the years, it's been comforting when our relatives' friends (even childhood friends) and coworkers pay their respects to the family and offer a fond memory or two.
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Old 01-04-2016, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
14,225 posts, read 14,646,717 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disgustedman View Post
"I'll go, if there's a luncheon provided. But if not, then I'll stay home"
Got to be free liquor to get me to go and I did not even have to know the person.
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Old 01-04-2016, 02:56 PM
 
12,003 posts, read 11,854,088 times
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Some here seem to have overlooked that the OP's sister had a lengthy history of drug abuse, is unstable, and was likely to have disrupted the service for her grandmother. I can understand why she would not have been welcome at the funeral, under those circumstances - a similar situation arose in my own family, in which a grown grandchild who was estranged by their own choice from their entire family was not informed of a grandparent's death until well afterwards.

Unsuccessful efforts had been made by various family members over the years to reconcile with this grandchild. However, the grandchild, who was around 30-35 at the time of the grandparent's death, not only had a history of substance abuse, but had made numerous unsubstantiated claims of abuse by a wide variety of family members - all demonstrably false. Instead, their family members recognized something was very wrong with this grandchild early on and attempted to help via counseling and therapy, little of which helped, sadly. This grandchild's sibling is quite normal and is doing well. The two are close in age and experienced essentially the same upbringing.

This grandchild also had a history of psychological issues for which they had been hospitalized, has never held a steady job for more than a year (generally much less) at a time, has had a brief failed marriage and subsequent failed dysfunctional relationships with a series of sketchy individuals, and although extremely bright, articulate and very creative, seems to have never matured past the teenage level, probably due to substance abuse and diagnosed borderline personality disorder.

Don't be so quick to judge families of such people - they've suffered enough.
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Old 01-04-2016, 03:52 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,150,354 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kell490 View Post
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.
It is not your place to tell your sister what to do.
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Old 01-04-2016, 05:16 PM
 
39 posts, read 37,126 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kell490 View Post
My sister never went to see our grandmother who lived 20 miles from her in 20 years but she got upset with me when I told her not to go to the funeral. Why not see someone before they pass away what good is it if you wait until that person is dead? I have family members who I never talk to I don't plan on going to their funerals. Funerals are about the living grieving not the dead who could careless if you come or not.


I could not agree with you more. What is the point of showing up at a funeral if it was too much effort to visit the deceased (only 20 miles away) whilst they were living?

You were no doubt upset on your grandmother's behalf when you advised your sister not to bother, I would be upset too. All this talk about respect, supporting the family,is fine but when we are talking about immediate family and one who couldn't stir her backside to go see the woman while she was breathing, it's the height of hypocrisy to show up when she finally dies. She should have stayed away, why break the habit of a lifetime now?
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Old 01-04-2016, 06:06 PM
 
Location: Littleton, CO
3,158 posts, read 6,107,536 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cida View Post
There are all kinds of reasons to go to funerals - one of which is to be supportive to the living.
I agree.

I moved out of my parents' house 24 years ago. My parents moved from that house 15 years ago. When our old next door neighbor died, I probably hadn't seen her in several years, but I went because the neighbors children were good friends growing up and we had all lost touch.

When I approached my neighbor friend after all these years to offer my condolences on the passing of her mother after the ceremony, she grew wide-eyed, hugged me tightly and started sobbing. She had pretty much kept it together up until then, but I think the surprise of seeing someone who knew her when she was a child (the older you get, the fewer people who remember you are still around) let her release a lot of pent up emotions. I know my attendance meant a lot to her.
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