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It may not be politically-correct to say it, but I think that widowhood is harder on males. Maybe it's because society expects in general that the male dies first and women grow up with that probability in their minds. Or maybe the female of the species is all-around tougher emotionally. I don't know. It's just that the men in these Internet widow(er) support groups seem to be hurting more than the women, generally speaking. God knows that it's hitting me harder than anything ever has.
[quote=Calvert Hall '62;42557588]It may not be politically-correct to say it, but I think that widowhood is harder on males. Maybe it's because society expects in general that the male dies first and women grow up with that probability in their minds. Or maybe the female of the species is all-around tougher emotionally. I don't know. It's just that the men in these Internet widow(er) support groups seem to be hurting more than the women, generally speaking. God knows that it's hitting me harder than anything ever has.
I doubt that. Women hurt just as much as men. Perhaps they just handle it differently?
I am sorry for your loss!! It doesn't go away. Ummm, to say it fades away with time? Is that even the right words? Fades doesn't seem right either. Easier with time maybe? If you believe in your heart, that your loved one is with you in spirit, it does make it easier. It has got me through these past 2 years. It helps.
and yes, I tend to agree - it does hit men harder - so does Divorce IMHO
Women are just better able to cope, my theory is we've spent a lifetime putting others first and grief is no exception; women more likely to worry about how the kids fare rather than themselves.
on the plus side, older available men are like hens teeth so you shouldn't expect to be alone for long
I can't agree that it is easier for women then men. Pain and loss of a spouse vary with everyone. I have been very lost without my D/H and gone through a lot of pain. It has hurt me more then anything in my life. I think women may be more willing to try to find a new mate eventually then men--or so it seems to me. I don't know if or even when if ever I would really want to have a new relationship. It just been a little over a year now since my D/H passed away from ALS after we moved from CA to NC where I know only a few people so it has been hard--very hard for me. I am lonely. I have my fur-babies which give me a purpose and have only just started working 2 days a week just to get me out and to help pay for my pets food. I was taken care of by my husband and did not even know anything about how to do repairs on my home or car and didn't even know how to write a check. I did know how to take care of him, cook for him and keep him happy. Now I don't have him so I am starting at square "A" and am in my 60's. There is no easy way to get through grief--one day at a time is the only advise I can give and it is what I live by. I am so sorry for your loss--and yes I do understand your pain....sorry.
on the plus side, older available men are like hens teeth so you shouldn't expect to be alone for long
See: whoever bought you the most casseroles
I have really appreciated the words of consolation from women; they're so much better at that sort of thing than men. And I'm wide open to non-romantic friendship relationships but my Murriel was my soulmate for 47 years and spouse for 40 of those years. No one will ever replace her in those regards.
I think the depth of grief depends on the emotional make up of the person and the closeness and interdependence of the relationship rather than the sex of the mourner. I also think that losing a long relationship such as yours brings more of a feeling of having your life torn appart than would shorter relationship. When you have basically formed your adult personality with that person and lived virtually your whole life in loving partnership, it rips away the person who shared all those memories and experiences, the person who knew you best and still loved you and you feel truly alone, as never before. I think no one but a fellow widow/widower can understand that devastation. I have been told of people who want to remarry within a few months, but I wonder if these have been more superficial marriages. I think women may have more ability to express their grief than men, and this does help. But I don't think that one suffers more than the other. I attended a spousal loss support group that included four men and four women, and I saw no divide on the intesity of the grief suffered. But perhaps those were self-selected men who wanted to share and talk, whereas many men suffer more in silence.
I am sorry for your loss. Like you, I lost my dear love of 43 years - just over a year ago. I have no interest in dating, but I value friendship, and have especially been supported by others who have experienced the same loss. I hope that, as I become more stong and able to live without him, that I will be able to help others, as they have helped me. If I did ever remarry, I know the relationship would have to be based not on replacing my husband, since that would be impossible, but on something completely different. I can't imagine that, but I know life oftem brings things we never could have imagined.
Cynwldkat, my situation seems similar to yours, in that my husband became ill just after we moved from CA to TX. He had brain cancer, and I cared for him for almost 4 years before his death. So we had little chance to get established before being stricken. I have just moved back to CA, to the community I would call home.
I expect your wife did not like the way she was living nor the burden of her care it placed on you. I am sure she welcomed death and one reason was to spare you that burden. I expect she would want you to enjoy your life.
Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you have thought if she had to do for you, what you did for her?
I recently lost my wife. Though not requiring the level of care your wife did, mine was not happy with the quality of life she was living the last 6 months. We had many discussions and she wanted it to peacefully end, which it did. While no one is ever prepared for the end it helped that we had been able to talk about and prepare for it.
I was mainly concerned about how she could and would be cared for without me there. The fact that I was able to help/care for her to the end was important and for that I am thankful.
I can also understand your feeling bad when at times you thought this is too much and as it is going to end, make it end now. I expect she herself had those thoughts. I know we both did.
I alternate between smiles and tears when I remember our 40 years together but I know her advice would be to go on and enjoy my life as we enjoyed ours together.
I look forward to establishing a caring/healthy relationship with another woman. Will it ever be the same as with my wife? No. Do I want it to be the same? No. Will I ever live with another woman? No. Will I ever remarry? No. Do I think I can be a good friend and lover to another woman? Yes.
I'd say most widows have a lot tougher time financially but have a better social network and "can take care of themselves".
Many men don't know the first thing about cooking, cleaning, and maybe even didn't pay the bills so end up missing payments...
Emotionally it's tough on both but I think men are more likely to jump into another relationship for sex and to get somebody to take care of them again.
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