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My wife died six months ago. Sometimes I think I am turning the corner on grief, sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Then I am devastated by memories. When does the past guilt go away, we had a 30 year marriage, and when do the memories go from sadness to joyful remembrances?
My wife has been dead 2 months now after 40 years of marriage. As she had been ill for a few years we had time to prepare and discuss things so we were somewhat prepared. I laugh and tear up at times but the grief is not all consuming.
I do things to keep myself busy like I do not make a grocery list. If I need something, I go get it. I knocked the cleaning service off and I clean the house. I play golf 3 times a week. I go for walks through stores and malls. I chat on the computer (like now).
My wife has been dead 2 months now after 40 years of marriage. As she had been ill for a few years we had time to prepare and discuss things so we were somewhat prepared. I laugh and tear up at times but the grief is not all consuming.
I do things to keep myself busy like I do not make a grocery list. If I need something, I go get it. I knocked the cleaning service off and I clean the house. I play golf 3 times a week. I go for walks through stores and malls. I chat on the computer (like now).
My wife died six months ago. Sometimes I think I am turning the corner on grief, sadness, guilt, and loneliness. Then I am devastated by memories. When does the past guilt go away, we had a 30 year marriage, and when do the memories go from sadness to joyful remembrances?
I don't think there is really an answer to this. Everyone is different. I am about 14 months out from the loss of my husband. I can conduct life pretty normally. But I have just moved, and there are lots of sad moments when I unpack things that meant something to him, or that we bought together, when I use his tool box, etc. Friends who have lost spouses years ago tell me that it gets more manageable, but doesn't go away. I think as time goes by, we start to start thinking more of the happy memories, but we will never be able to be without sadness that our spouse isn't with us. I can't speak much to guilt. But I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on it. (Easier said than done.) Just remember that forgiveness is there. And a loving spouse never expected you to be perfect. Forgive her, forgive yourself, believe that love persists, even in the midst of imperfection.
As G. Grasshopper mentioned--we are each different with different situations. I was married 29 years and my husband passed away in Sept 2015 from ALS. It seemed the first year was easier emotionally because I was in a fog and I also had so much to do.....but then the grief hit me hard! Reality has set in and yes, I am alone. We moved here to NC to retire 9 years ago from CA and my DH came down with ALS a few years after we moved here. My son moved closer but not close enough for me to see them often. I considered selling my home and moving back to CA but everyone tells me you can't go back and honestly I can't afford CA anymore. Plus my main reason for staying here is because I have several animals and this is their home too. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about my husband and miss him and cry. I too wonder when this will ease but for now I do like johngolf said he does and keep busy. I got a job 3 to 4 days a week. I go to church on Sundays and have met people there. I only have 7 neighbors but know most of them pretty well. It's not easy--it is one day at a time and very lonely. Please remember guilt is a useless emotion.....we can only do our best and I am sure you did. Pat yourself on your back for that!
Last edited by cynwldkat; 01-31-2016 at 03:44 PM..
I don't understand guilt. About what? It has to be false guilt. Is that one of the stages of grief? Nobody ever does everything perfectly so say goodbye to guilt. Anger I understand. It is natural to be mad they left you or didn't take good enough care of themselves. Love yourself enough to cut yourself a little slack.
Yes, guilt is one of those ugly stages of grief. Not sure why buy many suffer with it. I have too. I had to have my DH removed from the ventilator as his doctor said hid body was shutting down but still..........I knew it was the right thing to do--even my husband told me before he got near this stage he didn't want to stay alive on a machine...it still left me with some guilt. I've worked through that part fairly well, now it's the being alone that is hard.
Yes, guilt is one of those ugly stages of grief. Not sure why buy many suffer with it. I have too. I had to have my DH removed from the ventilator as his doctor said hid body was shutting down but still..........I knew it was the right thing to do--even my husband told me before he got near this stage he didn't want to stay alive on a machine...it still left me with some guilt. I've worked through that part fairly well, now it's the being alone that is hard.
Cyn
You honored his request. He knew he did not want to live like that. You did the final favor he asked.
Yes, my mind knows that but my heart still has questions although I have worked very hard to accept those things I cannot change. I know it is what he wanted!
My wife has been dead 2 months now after 40 years of marriage. As she had been ill for a few years we had time to prepare and discuss things so we were somewhat prepared. I laugh and tear up at times but the grief is not all consuming.
I do things to keep myself busy like I do not make a grocery list. If I need something, I go get it. I knocked the cleaning service off and I clean the house. I play golf 3 times a week. I go for walks through stores and malls. I chat on the computer (like now).
Keep busy. One foot in front of the other.
This is solid advice. One of my Mother-in-law's dearest friends became a widow & used the same method about the groceries. She said that forced her to clean up & get dressed & put on some lipstick and go buy daily food. Otherwise she would have stayed in her pajamas all day.
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Reality has set in and yes, I am alone. We moved here to NC to retire 9 years ago from CA and my DH came down with ALS a few years after we moved here. My son moved closer but not close enough for me to see them often. I considered selling my home and moving back to CA but everyone tells me you can't go back and honestly I can't afford CA anymore. Plus my main reason for staying here is because I have several animals and this is their home too. There isn't a day that goes by I don't think about my husband and miss him and cry. I too wonder when this will ease but for now I do like johngolf said he does and keep busy. I got a job 3 to 4 days a week. I go to church on Sundays and have met people there. I only have 7 neighbors but know most of them pretty well. It's not easy--it is one day at a time and very lonely. Please remember guilt is a useless emotion.....we can only do our best and I am sure you did. Pat yourself on your back for that!
