I am so, so sad tonight

[gouligann]

So sorry Meo. Nothing can ever be as devastating as losing a child. My heart goes out to every one of you.

My brother and his wife lost their 27 year old son to suicide back in the fall and I just can't imagine the pain they feel every day. Their loss is profound.

I think as time goes by and life goes on, you can learn to be happy again, but I don't imagine that the joy you once felt will ever be the same.

[meo92953]

Thank you, gouligan, no, I don't expect to have that joy again. Many things I regret I didn't say but also times we were happy, so grief is mixed with fond memories. I assume it will get better as time goes on. I sure hope so.

[meo92953]

Darn, I messed up today. I know all the workers at the mini-mart & gas station down the street. Today I was so into missing my son that when one of my favorites, a young 19 year old college student was teasing me about buying lottery tickets I was deep in depression & said, "Well, I was saving for my son & that's not nnecessary now".

I did try to make amends by saying I'm sorry, of course, but also added that I gave him a hard time because he reminded me of my son.

How long does it take to quit being defensive like that? When does a person get their sense of humor back? When does the crying stop?

I know those are impossible questions to answer. I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my attitude. Thankfully I am retired so don't have to face co-workers. Thank you all so much for letting me go through my grief. Thank you for being there.

[meo92953]

It is such a David night tonite. As I write my tears are blurring the letters. Thank you all for bearing with me. I miss my son so much.

[NYgal1542]

I am sorry for the agony you are feeling.

I have never lost a child, but lived in fear for 5 years he would be murdered while incarcerated.

When a child dies, I can only imagine the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness. There is nothing left for us to do to help them.

I have lost two sisters and my parents. I have days when it hits me in the gut how much I miss them, love them, and then start to beat myself up over what I think I did to hurt them. Felt like a lousy sister, child, etc. I go to Hospice weekly for some help with these feelings. I apparently have not forgiven myself. I blame myself for their unhappiness. Which is not true but sometimes feels like it is.

Are you still blaming yourself for something you did or didn't do? Is it time to let that go and forgive yourself?

A quote from Helen Keller: "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose,
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

[meo92953]

Originally Posted by NYgal2NC

I am sorry for the agony you are feeling.

I have never lost a child, but lived in fear for 5 years he would be murdered while incarcerated.

When a child dies, I can only imagine the feelings of helplessness, powerlessness. There is nothing left for us to do to help them.

I have lost two sisters and my parents. I have days when it hits me in the gut how much I miss them, love them, and then start to beat myself up over what I think I did to hurt them. Felt like a lousy sister, child, etc. I go to Hospice weekly for some help with these feelings. I apparently have not forgiven myself. I blame myself for their unhappiness. Which is not true but sometimes feels like it is.

Are you still blaming yourself for something you did or didn't do? Is it time to let that go and forgive yourself?

A quote from Helen Keller: "What we have once enjoyed we can never lose,
All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

Oh yes. Because of his mental illness, when he threatened to kill me and my family, I took his threat seriously & did not let him know where I lived. It was a sad time.

I originally posted about our problems in estranged children/family.

My sweet son started changing in his early 20's. He was doing well on his medications but was in a fire 11 years ago. Between the pain meds & the mental health meds, I think his brain became fuzzier and fuzzier as time went on. It got to the point where he threatened me & my family. If you want/need further information, please pm me. The entire story reads like a book, much too long for this thread.

[NYgal1542]

Originally Posted by meo92953

Oh yes. Because of his mental illness, when he threatened to kill me and my family, I took his threat seriously & did not let him know where I lived. It was a sad time.

How scary that time must have been for you. You absolutely had to protect yourself during that time. I hope you will forgive yourself if you are feeling guilty. Some things we have to do that are so painful are not just for our good, but also for their good, too. He was not thinking properly. Had he done something terrible during that time, he probably could not have lived with that.

If you have not so, please think about getting some grief counseling. You may be so relieved to have a professional to talk to.

Bless you Meo. Sending you big (((((hugs))))). You are loved.

[AnnSmithJones]

I don't know you or your story, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss and how much your heart hurts missing your son. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers...

[Sam Pepys]

I add my prayers and wishes for you too, Meo, and hope you can eventually find peace in your heart to live with such a loss as your child's.

My love has been gone nearly five months now, but my heart still aches for him. Love and blessings to you.

[meo92953]

And to you , Sam. 5 months is not much time I expect this grief to last at least one year. Give yourself time, as I will do for myself.

I feel free to vent here when I need to. Sometimes it hits me out of the blue & whammo, I'm crying. I feel that it's okay to say that here.