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Old 04-01-2016, 09:59 PM
 
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How long after?
My friend asked me that the evening of his wife's funeral. He said the kids should have a mother.
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Old 04-01-2016, 10:26 PM
 
Location: Tucson for awhile longer
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There's an old saying, "When a spouse dies, women mourn, men replace."

Statistics show that most men who survive their wives want to remarry and usually do. Although there are three times as many widows as widowers in the US, the nation's Census Bureau (which does not keep stats on this) estimates that men who lose their wives are ten times more likely to marry again than women are.

I did a long article on widowhood when I was a reporter and interviewed many men and women. I came to the conclusion that most men who had long-time wives are simply lost without them. They do not function well. The majority have little experience with such day-to-day necessities as meal prep, shopping, house keeping, laundry, etc. They also are used to having one person to talk to. They depended on their wives for arranging their social life.

The ones I talked to, who remarried or were eager to, really seemed more happy that they had solved a problem rather than being joyful and in love. That's why so many of them wed the first person they date. The marriages are often successful, though, because the partners usually know HOW to be married. Sociologists say that widowers who are open to remarriage usually do it within 30 months of their wife's death. Widowers I talked to who were in dating mode were interested in women closer to their daughters' ages than their late wives.

Women have a rougher time. First and foremost because their pickings are so slim. There are so few widowers as potential partners. And women are far less likely to hook up with a much younger partner than men are. Widows who remarry often have to face losing their second spouse, too, something that rarely happens to men.

Women are usually more emotionally invested in their homes as they were and aren't as motivated to change anything. They get a lot of solace from their children and friends, as well as their house itself. The ones most likely to seek a new partner are women who derived their place in society from their husbands and they feel lost without their partner. Ones who are full-time homemakers, for example. They moved in social circles where married couples are a unit and they weren't really recognized for their own selves. Their invitations dropped off immediately after they lost their spouses.
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Old 04-01-2016, 11:25 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
5,097 posts, read 2,913,065 times
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There's as many answers to this question as there are surviving spouses. Some guys can't survive alone and it is almost a life saving issue. Others are more self-sufficient and learn to relish their personal space and independence. "Seeing someone" is somewhere down the scale from remarriage and sometimes that is where it stays if both are comfortable. Remarrying as a surviving senior is more than just getting a new spouse -- you likely get stepchildren and grandchildren and in-laws that you may -- or may not be able to enjoy your time with.
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Old 04-01-2016, 11:47 PM
 
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Maybe men need the companionship more, also women seem to even in these modern times take care of their husbands - cooking, washing, etc. I think that when one gets to a certain age like the two men (60s, late 70s) then a "respectable" amount of time isn't that important. To have such long marriages mean that they value the other partner's happiness more than their own and their wives would probably want them to be happy instead of alone and sad. I know this woman that wasn't that nice to her husband while he was alive, but at his funeral she was carrying on and on, maybe so everyone would get how much she loved her husband. Now, she's always saying what a good man he was (he was a good man, too bad she didn't appreciate him until it was too late). She said she will never marry again or have a relationship, but she saids it like to imply that is what a good wife is. Life is short - you are good to the people you love while they are alive and then they aren't there anymore, but one has to go on and the best testament of love is that you want the one that remains to be happy.
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Old 04-02-2016, 12:03 AM
 
3,962 posts, read 5,247,246 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johngolf View Post
My wife and I were married for 40 years. She passed away 4 months ago after being ill for several years thus it was not a shock when it happened and we were as prepared as one can be.
My husband died after almost 4 years of illness, which was longer than anyone expected him to live. I thought perhaps knowing that he had a universally terminal illness would have made me prepared. In truth, I found this to be completely untrue. When we found out, 4 weeks before his death, that this was the end, I was completely shocked. My grief after his death was all-consuming. I never would have imagined such pain. Yes, I was prepared as far as finances, legal paper work and such, but I think those years of care giving did not prepare me for the ultimate loss of my husband and partner of 43 years. Perhaps some people can "prepare," and perhaps it is easier if one has already "lost" the person to dementia, etc. But to me it is a myth that long illness prepares a partner for death.

And, by way of answering the main question of this thread, I am 1 year and 4 months out from losing him, and I have no desire whatever to find a replacement. There could never be a replacement. I acknowledge that it is possible that something completely different could happen with someone else, because in life, we never know what is going to happen. But I'm not going to go out looking, and I continue to wear my ring.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:50 AM
 
Location: Somewhere between chaos and confusion
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Be glad if you, he, your mother, your father, etc. waited. My father in law actually had a date to my mil's funeral, I am not joking.

My mil had a long-term illness, she was in a nursing home for many years and uncommunicative for four. The last two years, he had a girlfriend who we were asked " treat like family". This was extremely hard for hubby and I (he is an only child). We couldn't visit his father without her there, she even butted her nose into the funeral arrangements for his mother. At the post-funeral lunch, it was very noticeable that they were " more than friends" to other family members and friends. We now have a cordial relationship, but what a start!!

So the moral to this story is it always could be worse.
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Old 04-02-2016, 07:35 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,469 posts, read 15,905,878 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Qtpie1968 View Post
Be glad if you, he, your mother, your father, etc. waited. My father in law actually had a date to my mil's funeral, I am not joking.

My mil had a long-term illness, she was in a nursing home for many years and uncommunicative for four. The last two years, he had a girlfriend who we were asked " treat like family". This was extremely hard for hubby and I (he is an only child). We couldn't visit his father without her there, she even butted her nose into the funeral arrangements for his mother. At the post-funeral lunch, it was very noticeable that they were " more than friends" to other family members and friends. We now have a cordial relationship, but what a start!!

So the moral to this story is it always could be worse.
Wow, taking a date or your current lover to your spouses funeral is worse that starting to date very quickly after a death.


I have another true story about "it could always be worse". It happened to someone in my extended family.

Please bear with me as this is a lengthy story.

The two adult children (in their 50s) urged their 75 year old father (a very wealthy retired doctor) to get a pre-nup when he remarried but he said that his 45 year old fiance, let's call her "Gold Digger" loved him and loved his children and grandchildrenso he didn't need a prenup. He also said that the money left from his late wife to their children and grandchildren were in "unbreakable trusts" so they would always be provided for, and of course he would also provide for Gold Diggers young children from her first marriage.

Fast forward two years, somehow the "unbreakable trust funds" were broken and all of the money that he and his wife of 50 years had saved and left for their children and grandchildren were now in trusts for the children of the second wife. The adult children checked and they could do anything legally about it.

He also put 100% of his estate, house, cars, insurance, investments, etc in his second wife's name.

To add insult to injury, shortly after this happened the husband started to some unusual, serious health problems. The wife claimed to be taking him to the doctor to get everything checked out but lied to the family about it. One night the father called his son in the middle of the night in a panic saying that he thought that he was having a heart attack and needed to go to the hospital. The new wife got on the phone and said that she thought that the husband was over reacting but that she was taking him to the hospital right away to make sure that he was OK and would call the son back when they knew anything. When the son called back a few minutes later no one answered the phone so he assumed that they had already left for the hospital. Both sons lived 1,000 miles away so they weren't able to check on him in person.

When the son didn't hear back he called the local hospitals but his father had not been admitted. Finally, after several hours of not reaching anyone he called a neighbor to go to his father's house.

It turned out that they had never gone to the hospital.
The new wife "claimed to have fallen back to sleep" and the husband had died of a heart attack sometime during the night.

The entire family was heart broken (except for the now very wealthy widow in her 40s and her children). The family went to the police but they couldn't prove that the new wife did anything wrong and couldn't charge her with anything.

My friend starts crying whenever he tells this story. He doesn't care about the money but he, and others, strongly feel that the new wife hastened his fathers death.

Who unplugs the telephone and "falls back to sleep" when your spouse is screaming in pain and agony due to a heart attack instead of calling 911 or driving them to the hospital? Gold Digger's actions certainly sounded pretty suspicious to anyone who hears the story.


This happened a number of years ago and the second wife ("Gold Digger"), their step-mother who their dad felt loved his children and grand-children so much that he did not need a pre-nup moved away and they never heard from her again.


Again, the moral to this story is it always could be worse. You can have a second wife who likely "hastened the death" of your father.
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Old 04-02-2016, 07:38 AM
 
Location: San Antonio
7,625 posts, read 13,983,366 times
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I will answer your question as I see it based on 3 qualifications....#1) I am almost 62 yrs old so have seen it happen, #2) I am a retired nurse and have worked with geriatric's so have seen it happen a LOT, and #3) I live in a 55+ retirement community, so again, can see the pattern because of where I live.

MEN normally will date much earlier than women after their long time spouse dies. Or at least, I have found men are much more interested in finding another "lasting" relationship when they loose their spouse as a Sr than women are. A LOT of babyboomer men find their wife took good care of them while they were away from home earning a living taking care of the cooking, cleaning and raising of the kids. Some of the wives worked, some did not. These guys seem lost when they loose their spouse as the "nester" is gone. They are looking to regain that safe nest feeling again that is theirs to enjoy. Lots do not know how to cook (really cook), clean or do laundry. Some don't even like being alone to decide what to do on their own without having someone to share it with. As long as they were faithful to their spouse before she died and not some cheating fool, I think it is a testament to how good a wife she WAS to him while here on earth, because he finds it impossible to live without her when he is looking for a "someone special" to share his life and days with again.

LOTS of women I know and have witnessed my age and older have the exact opposite opinion. I have heard from widows in the community more than once "I'm not your nurse and I'm not your purse". They, often for the first time in their lives, have freedom they have never had before...both financial and physical. They have the opportunity to slap a sandwich together for dinner tonite vs having to plan and cook a full meal and calling it a day if they want, can hire a lot of what the spouse did in the way of "household chores" out (yard work, little fix it jobs, etc.) and are normally more attached/involved in their adult children and their families lives so now find themselves available to travel, help babysit the grandkids, etc. Their risk of being made a "caretaker" again is not something they are easily willing to give up again. Oh, MANY of them date and LOVE to date, but refuse to "commit" to a longterm or serious relationship. One even told me she refused to get involved again because the pain of losing her husband was so great, she did NOT want to ever have to suffer thru that again.

It almost seems to me in retrospect, that when younger, women feel they need a man to make their life complete, and when older, the men seem to be the ones with the greater need.

I just think a lot of times the "needs" are different once we age and lose our spouse. JMHO.

Last edited by Paka; 04-02-2016 at 07:47 AM..
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Old 04-02-2016, 08:09 AM
 
Location: Central IL
13,343 posts, read 7,115,490 times
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Men don't wait...first, either they don't know how or don't want to take care of themselves/laundry/cleaning. Second, they tend to have far fewer "requirements" for a replacement - mostly based on looks and the willingness of the woman to take care of them!

Older women, especially, have had their fill of taking care of a man...certainly they likely loved their husband but with any kids grown they have their friends and little need for someone who is more work for them.
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Old 04-02-2016, 09:30 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
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The last two posts are spot on. I was widowed in 2010 and while I did date some, realized I was happier without a husband or even a man in my life now.
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