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Old 04-02-2016, 10:52 AM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,385 posts, read 4,075,291 times
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I was widowed at 50 after doing home hospice for my husband. We knew his cancer was terminal for 6+ months before his death, and about a year before his death we spent most of our time with diagnosis, surgeries, etc. Two-three months following his death I did begin dating again. I just wanted to start having some fun. At age 55, I remarried.

Now, at age 67. If I was to become widowed again I wouldn't remarry. I love my husband and being married to him but I just don't want to work on another relationship and all the compromises and logistics that go into a marriage. But I suspect he would marry again because he really loves having a partner.
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Old 04-02-2016, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
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We roller skate with a couple that have only been married for four years. He's 76 and a widower, she's 70 and divorced. Unfortunately one of his kids does not approve of the marriage and makes her life miserable. They're really cute together and it doesn't matter if it's been a few months or a few years if the right person comes along.

We only get one lifetime to enjoy and that life is for the living, not for the dearly departed.

You seem to be coping well johngolf and you've been through hell. I see nothing wrong with your wanting to live again. I'm sure you will find a FWB. They're out there. I actually think it's healthier emotionally to live in the here and now, and not in the past.

I had a work friend that lost his wife when they were in their middle 50's. It took him 5 years to have a physical encounter with someone else. It sent him into such a state of depression because he was still very much married to his deceased wife. He still wears her wedding ring. I find that incredibly sad. She even told him to find someone and be happy again. He's stuck in limbo.
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Old 04-02-2016, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Near Falls Lake
2,544 posts, read 1,792,637 times
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I was happily married for 37 years when my wife suddenly passed away at 56 (I was 57). Without question the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. I started seeing someone after about 6 months but determined it was too early for me. A few years later an old employee contacted me as her husband had passed away suddenly and she wanted to know how to get through it. After several months we stated dating and we have been together for 4 years. We will not get married because of our individual financial circumstances.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:16 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
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I'm not very appreciative of the stereotype that older men don't know how to cook, clean, or do laundry. That ranks right up there with women not knowing how to drive a car or fill the gas tank. Even with the qualifiers of SOME men, it still grates.

What I do note is that older women who are single more often than not have children, and those children still have enough social bonds to their mom that there is an emotional support outside of any other relationship. Men are not as likely to have those strong bonds, as the core experience of giving birth and unity of mother and infant simply are not there to ground such a primal relationship.

The competition model of male adulthood and independence required in many professions means that men often don't have the support and companionship that women do. I miss my wife. I miss being able to care for her, I miss getting a smile of delight out of her, I miss the wide-ranging conversations that we were able to have that could go on for hours, conversations that were core to our having come together in the first place.

I lean heavily on a couple of long distance friends, I recognize that "replacement" is impossible on some levels, but life has to go on and I know I can't lean on my friends for ten years or more because there is no way I can give enough back to keep the relationships from becoming lopsided for them. I function better with a mate. Finding another one that would put up with me and my weird ways is another story...

Every person, every situation, every connection is different. Compassion works better than judgment. Those who are looking for a rule, the rule is that there are no rules.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:21 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
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Cannot you leave it up to them and keep your nose where it belongs to just saying
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:24 PM
 
35,121 posts, read 38,991,510 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ERH View Post
I know two men, one in his 60s and the other in his late 70s, who sought female companionship within roughly 2-3 months of their spouse dying. Both men shared decades-long relationships with their spouses. I recognize there is no set period of mourning, but is this commonplace? I know more widows than I do widowers, but I can't cite a single instance of one of those women replacing the love of their lives quite that quickly.
If you actually did recognize ^^^^ you would not be asking if a specific time frame was common.
The choice belongs to those who are involved when they start dating again and no one else should be concerned with the choices another human makes in regards to their own lives.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:25 PM
 
13,031 posts, read 20,287,908 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WorldKlas View Post
I was widowed at 50 after doing home hospice for my husband. We knew his cancer was terminal for 6+ months before his death, and about a year before his death we spent most of our time with diagnosis, surgeries, etc. Two-three months following his death I did begin dating again. I just wanted to start having some fun. At age 55, I remarried.

Now, at age 67. If I was to become widowed again I wouldn't remarry. I love my husband and being married to him but I just don't want to work on another relationship and all the compromises and logistics that go into a marriage. But I suspect he would marry again because he really loves having a partner.
Your experience is similar to my good friend's, who was only a couple of years older than you when her husband also died of cancer. He had been undergoing treatment for a couple of years, successfully we thought, then he went downhill very quickly. She was dating again within 6 months, and is in a relationship with talk of making it permanent.

Sometimes it's hard to reconcile her actions with her words. She asked me to take a trip with her over the anniversary of his death, because it would be a difficult time for her. I couldn't go at that time, so she went with her daughter. The following week she went on a cruise with her new man. I'm glad she's happy, and not alone, but from the outside, her grieving seems sporadic.
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Old 04-02-2016, 01:51 PM
 
Location: Dallas, TX and Las Vegas, NV
5,385 posts, read 4,075,291 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Your experience is similar to my good friend's, who was only a couple of years older than you when her husband also died of cancer. He had been undergoing treatment for a couple of years, successfully we thought, then he went downhill very quickly. She was dating again within 6 months, and is in a relationship with talk of making it permanent.

Sometimes it's hard to reconcile her actions with her words. She asked me to take a trip with her over the anniversary of his death, because it would be a difficult time for her. I couldn't go at that time, so she went with her daughter. The following week she went on a cruise with her new man. I'm glad she's happy, and not alone, but from the outside, her grieving seems sporadic.
I guess you can properly describe some forms of mourning as sporatic. As much as I did (and often do) mourn for my late husband, the fact of his illness meant that we had been dealing with cancer for well over a year prior to his death....with the last 4 months just beyond awful. And one thing we learn in the process is to appreciate the pleasures life has to offer and grab happiness and fun when we can.
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Old 04-02-2016, 02:43 PM
 
619 posts, read 344,138 times
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I don't think there's a hard and fast rule, nor should there be. Everyone mourns in their own way.

My father started "dating" a few weeks after my mom died. (he was in his early 50s). he was very vulnerable and a very very very very determined widow (in their social group) set her target on him and went after him. (She put it to him as if she is a "friend" helping a friend through the initial period of widowhood. they were married within a year, she spent all his money, and they got divorce a few years later. Personally i think that it was too soon for him, but he really really didn't want to be alone. he since remarried a very nice woman, who unforutnately developed advanced altzheimer's a few years ago.

I know people who never got over the loss of a spouse and never remarried. a former classmate's husband was killed in battle (we were in our early 20s at the time). she remarried i think a year later. I still remember this - i met a mutual friend who told me that she had just gotten engaged. when i said that that is wonderful and i am so happy for her, mutual friend told me that i wsa the first person to react so positively. everyone else said to her "what? so soon?"
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Old 04-02-2016, 03:58 PM
 
4,611 posts, read 6,313,554 times
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At 60-70 plus im my opinion the next day wouldn't be an issue. Life is short.
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