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My friend asked me that question the night of his wife's funeral. We'd been friends since high school but had little contact for years. He said the kids need a mother. I've always suspected he had somebody ready to step in. He went on to marry 2 more times. One ended in divorce. One survived him.
My Dad died at 67 leaving my Mom a 68 YO widow. In great shape looking years younger we sat her down a year later and gave her the "talk". My brothers and sister said the deal was till death due you part and that the deal was over. Told her to do as she pleased with our blessings. One year to the date a family friend also widowed asked her to dinner. She called my sister and said she hadn't been on a date in 45 years. My sisters advice was first date don't kiss him. My mother told her she put clean sheets on the bed!
I did meet one guy via Match.com who I suspect got off to a premature start. He'd lost his wife 2 months before, after a 9-month illness. Really sweet guy- he hugged me as soon as we met and we had a great conversation over lunch. It was good to find someone handling loss as I was- you miss your spouse but realize you can't bring them back and you have to start thinking about what you want the rest of your life to look like. (I understand not everyone is wired that way- most widows and widowers on the Internet Board I'm on are too mired in grief even to think about dating years later.) His late wife had urged him to find happiness again and so had his friends and family.
He was heading off on a 2-week motorcycle trip after that. I sent him a nice note but never heard from him again. They'd been married 47 years and were HS sweethearts. My guess is that he just realized he wasn't ready yet. I hope that our meeting at least reassured him that there are good women out there when he's ready.
My Dad died at 67 leaving my Mom a 68 YO widow. In great shape looking years younger we sat her down a year later and gave her the "talk". My brothers and sister said the deal was till death due you part and that the deal was over. Told her to do as she pleased with our blessings. One year to the date a family friend also widowed asked her to dinner. She called my sister and said she hadn't been on a date in 45 years. My sisters advice was first date don't kiss him. My mother told her she put clean sheets on the bed!
I'm a widow, almost that age, and I LOL when I got to the clean sheets part of your comment. I hope that your mother had a great time on her first date in 45 years.
I'm a widow, almost that age, and I LOL when I got to the clean sheets part of your comment. I hope that your mother had a great time on her first date in 45 years.
I've been going to a support group for widows/ers who had their loss more than a year ago. When the topic of dating others came up, none of the eight women there had even considered it, while the one man there had gone out a couple of times because friends "fixed him up." I suspect that the difference (although this is a hopelessly small sample size) is not just the nature of male to female adjustment to widowhood; I think it is mostly about numbers. There are five times as many widows as widowers in the US. It is estimated that one quarter of wives over 65 are widows, and that by age 75, that will increase to half. Those are pretty daunting statistics to buck. Considering that, I think widows should try to adjust and be happy as single people. I had a wonderful, fulfilling marriage for 43 years. That is a terrific blessing, as many are not so lucky. So I'm going to do my best to work on my life and my attitude to find happiness, friendship, comfort, beauty, adventure and blessing just the way I am now.
What a interesting topic. I read all of the posts. I lost my husband of 38 years at 57 years old and I will be 64 in a few weeks time. I have dated four times over the years. I believe it is the area I live in, so many men seeking women who want a mother and care taker. One man wanted to move in with me after three weeks. I am in the midst of ending a 3 1/2 month relationship. He was the nicest man and I fell in love with him and than he became critical of me. He confided in me he wants to sell his place, move in with me and co-mingle our funds. I broke up with him. I don't want to take care of a man financially and emotionally and cook his food. Yuck. I am staying single but looking for a male friend, no sexual relationship, no ties, just a man to have a good time with. I really would like to have a gay male friend.
My husband had been dead not that long when a neighbor offered to help me, we found we have a lot in common and have since become best friends..His emotional support has been the best, have learned to laugh again and make this house my house..I was married over 50 years when my husband died..I say whatever come to mind to him,ask him dumb questions about baseball which I love and now he is putting with my NCAA basketball nonsense and more..For me having a friend like this is the best....
I've been going to a support group for widows/ers who had their loss more than a year ago. When the topic of dating others came up, none of the eight women there had even considered it, while the one man there had gone out a couple of times because friends "fixed him up." I suspect that the difference (although this is a hopelessly small sample size) is not just the nature of male to female adjustment to widowhood; I think it is mostly about numbers. There are five times as many widows as widowers in the US. It is estimated that one quarter of wives over 65 are widows, and that by age 75, that will increase to half. Those are pretty daunting statistics to buck. Considering that, I think widows should try to adjust and be happy as single people. I had a wonderful, fulfilling marriage for 43 years. That is a terrific blessing, as many are not so lucky. So I'm going to do my best to work on my life and my attitude to find happiness, friendship, comfort, beauty, adventure and blessing just the way I am now.
Statistics are just statistics. They might show overall trends, but they tend to fail on an individual level, especially if there is motivation. I subscribe to the idea that the word "should" is way over-used in our culture, and is best carefully considered and used sparingly. The message I get when you use it is partly one of discouragement and resignation, and a call for others to accept that as norm.
I would guess that more widows and widowers remain unmarried because of fear or expectation of role play than statistics. Society and many mates tend to force relationships into socially confluent norms that can become straight jackets. If a major aspect of my marriage had been responsibility for numbers of unpleasant tasks, like it is for so many people, then yeah, the prospect of more of the same would not appeal.
There are ways around that and ways to change out of those straight jackets, but that is a bit off-topic.
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