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Old 04-04-2016, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,286,023 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
My mother had told my father she did not want a funeral either. However, she died very unexpectedly and my father NEEDED to have a funeral for her. So we had a funeral. It was a very nice funeral, attended by hundreds of people.

Those closest need to decide what is best for them, IMO.

OP, my condolences. May you find peace.
I'm afraid that this is a case where we must (respectfully) agree to disagree. I feel that it is an ultimate disrespect to void the personal wishes of a deceased for just about any reason other than harm to others. As for distribution of estate, or contesting a will, whatever. People disagree about material things. However, the remains of a person are NOT the property of the survivors as much as the last vestiges of the individual. To me, following their instructions is a sacred task. I can fully understand the desire to contravene, but to me acting out a different scenario is spitting on a grave. Sorry.
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Old 04-04-2016, 08:14 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,859 posts, read 3,711,309 times
Reputation: 15267
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
I'm afraid that this is a case where we must (respectfully) agree to disagree. I feel that it is an ultimate disrespect to void the personal wishes of a deceased for just about any reason other than harm to others. As for distribution of estate, or contesting a will, whatever. People disagree about material things. However, the remains of a person are NOT the property of the survivors as much as the last vestiges of the individual. To me, following their instructions is a sacred task. I can fully understand the desire to contravene, but to me acting out a different scenario is spitting on a grave. Sorry.
Yes, we will agree to disagree.

They had been married 49 years. She had been very involved in their church forever. In recent years, she had become depressed and felt that no one would care when she died. She attempted to become a bit reclusive, even declining birthday invitations to HER GRANDCHILDREN'S birthdays (so I always made sure to send the invite via my father instead, because she would no longer pass along the messages to him, and he always made sure they both attended). My father felt the whole community would care (which in fact, they did...)

Had he followed her wishes, he felt he'd be bowing to her declining mental health.
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Old 04-04-2016, 08:36 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,453,442 times
Reputation: 17235
Unhappy  

Quote:
Originally Posted by BensMomma
My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.
I am so sorry....... Sometimes we leave so much UNSAID and then when its too late,we realise how much we love them!!!


Welcome to city-data BensMomma..... I am so sorry for your loss
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Old 04-04-2016, 08:42 PM
 
5,499 posts, read 3,352,872 times
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I have mixed feelings. Certainly, if a person expresses a wish that their remains NOT be on display at a funeral, not even in a closed coffin, then I think that should be respected. What I have a hard time with is the expressed wish that there be no services of any kind. Call it a memorial, call it a celebration of their life, call it whatever you want, but the survivors very often need a specific event to express their grief and their love for the deceased person. And ritual is comforting. It seems to me wrong, in fact ultimately selfish, to take away such an opportunity from one's family members and friends.
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Old 04-04-2016, 09:23 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,163 posts, read 16,510,896 times
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OP, maybe you could do what my wife's family did after her funeral. She and her side of the family all lived in NY, NJ and DC until she moved to Wyoming to be with me a few years before her unexpected and sudden death, so only a few of them made it to Wyoming for her funeral. Instead, they had a get-together a month later at her niece's home just outside NYC. It was a small "estate" on a couple acres with a large home, pool, etc.

We all sat around the pool chatting on a Sunday afternoon; most wrote little stories about things we'd experienced with her and read them. (They were later made into a little booklet.) Others, like me, just told a story. Most of the extreme grief had subsided by then, so we were able to laugh and have fun. It was nice, and it might work for you. Not a service, not a funeral, just a Sunday afternoon picnic dedicated to the deceased.
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Old 04-04-2016, 09:50 PM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,539 posts, read 3,003,976 times
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That's what we'll be doing for my son. He died January 11th and we had him cremated. We will be having a memorial this summer, probably in June, when most, if not all, of the rest of the family will be there.

He & I had talked about what we wanted & he wanted his ashes spread over San Francisco bay, but it is not feasible for me to do that. Instead he will be placed at the family farm, near the lake he loved & our family can celebrate his life as we say goodbye. He also loved that spot. It's peaceful and beautiful & he spent many hours by the lake.
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Old 04-04-2016, 10:47 PM
 
Location: Sonoran Desert, AZ
2,837 posts, read 1,161,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BensMomma View Post
My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.

I'm grateful I could be there for my mother's last breath. I saw her dead, which was important for my psyche.... to understand she is GONE. I feel sad there are no flowers, no hymns, no nothing. I feel my mother's ending in no way represents the kind of person she was or the lives she touched.

BensMomma - So sorry for your loss. I am glad you were able to respect your mother's wishes. You will always be glad you did. Be sure you let your family know what your wishes are.


When my first wife died in 2002, she also wanted to be cremated and to have a Memorial Service for her later, which I did. She even had selected the 2 or 3 folks she wanted to speak at the Memorial.


My second wife died of cancer a little over a week ago. She also wanted to be cremated, which I have done, and she did not want any type of public Memorial Service. So I used social media (Facebook) to suggest to all of our friends here (Hawaii), her family back in West Virginia, my family in Ohio, and our many friends in Florida to each have their own private Memorial for her: Pour yourself a glass of Merlot, play that old classic "As Time Goes By", say a prayer for her however your faith permits, and raise your glass to her for one final toast. Quite a few of our friends took this to heart and did so.


It is such a personal thing, isn't it? When I go, I'm to be cremated, my ashes mixed with my (second) wife's along with the ashes of our two furbabies, and scatter them in the Pacific off the Big Island. My grandson has agreed to handle this. And maybe play a little ZZ Top, Joe Cocker, etc, and have another glass of wine.


Mahalo.
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Old 04-04-2016, 11:29 PM
 
Location: San Diego
535 posts, read 390,360 times
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I don't want a funeral or memorial, but I believe such things are for the living, anyway, so I'm OK with whatever my surviving loved ones, if I have any, want to do. I just don't want to plan a big one and then have nobody show up. I do like ceremonies, but that would be embarrassing (or not, since I am dead).

Just donate my organs, and the rest of my body can go to science.
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Old 04-05-2016, 06:16 AM
 
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
9,285 posts, read 16,120,780 times
Reputation: 11269
[quote=Native Transplant;43603042]I don't want a funeral or memorial, but I believe such things are for the living, anyway, so I'm OK with whatever my surviving loved ones, if I have any, want to do. I just don't want to plan a big one and then have nobody show up. I do like ceremonies, but that would be embarrassing (or not, since I am dead).

Just donate my organs, and the rest of my body can go to science.[/quote/]

OP, our situations are probably different, but by the time my mom passed, she had been in a nursing home here and away from Rockport for 8 years ..... and she had moved there from Houston 7 years prior to that..... given that with her dementia, she had lost contact with her long-time friends, who were also up in age..... so when I bought her pre-arranged funeral, I just had a small graveside service where actually just a few of my brother's and my friends showed up for us..... I did place obituaries in the newspapers of both towns, though..... I was just glad I was able to have her buried next to our dad and had enough sense to set everything up long beforehand......

Native Transplant, that is EXACTLY my plan for me.....
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Old 04-05-2016, 06:35 AM
 
25,454 posts, read 23,266,873 times
Reputation: 15310
Quote:
Originally Posted by BensMomma View Post
My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.

I'm grateful I could be there for my mother's last breath. I saw her dead, which was important for my psyche.... to understand she is GONE. I feel sad there are no flowers, no hymns, no nothing. I feel my mother's ending in no way represents the kind of person she was or the lives she touched.
Everyone feels differently about this, and it is a hot topic...basically, I've asked my son to do the same....don't even want him to put anything in the paper....soon, cremations will be more expensive then funerals...it's pathetic how this country rapes people...anyway, my thoughts on this are, why don't you arrange a sort of memorial at a church...not for mom, but for you and family and friends...invite them, plan maybe a picnic afterwards, where you can all sit around sharing fond stories...have everyone who wants to come bring something...and it won't seem so morbid.

personally, I hate funerals, and won't go to many...and I don't care what people think of me....
afterwards I get this splitting headache from watching everyone morn...hate funerals...hate to see the suffering....so...we all don't think alike.

I hope and pray my son remembers me with love and light, fondness and with many memories of love and laughter....

I'm very sorry for your loss....(hugs)
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