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Old 04-05-2016, 07:16 AM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
Yes, we will agree to disagree.....Had he followed her wishes, he felt he'd be bowing to her declining mental health.
And this bit of information puts your original posting in a much different light.
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Old 04-05-2016, 08:48 AM
 
Location: 76102
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My mom specifically requested NOT to have a funeral or an obit in the paper. I followed her wishes and will do the same when I go.
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Old 04-05-2016, 09:00 AM
 
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It is totally acceptable to have people speak graveside...we had a service graveside. It was a great comfort to all of us. My Mom didn't want a traditional funeral either.

We had her pastor there someone strumming a guitar from her church...my sister spoke and I read a beautiful reading from "chicken soup for the mother's soul" it was a very sweet simple ceremony.

When my sister died, we had a "celebration of life" service at the hall at the mortuary.
there was a cd being shown and speakers talking about my sister at a podium. It was very touching.

This was followed with food and friends and family gathering afterwards at her home. Music..her favorites...dancing and celebrating her...it was beautiful to see how many people loved my sister.

Last edited by JanND; 04-05-2016 at 09:15 AM..
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Old 04-05-2016, 11:40 AM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,098 posts, read 3,918,635 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by breeinmo. View Post
I am anti funeral and see them as a huge expenditure when you're not in your right mind. I think the best thing to do is have everyone who wants to, at a loved ones home. Have pictures of the deceased and tell loving and funny stories. Potluck or bring in food from a restaurant.


I believe looking at a dead loved one is morbid, other than immediate family if they desire in private. If my family puts me on display I'll haunt them forever. If a person is loved, go see them while they're alive. My condolences OP.

My sister and I were quite young when our favorite uncle died; maybe 8 & 9. His family had an open casket and we were told to go up to the casket and say a prayer. We were traumatized by seeing a dead person for the first time and every time we would think of our uncle the only thing we could remember is seeing him the way we did for the last time.


To the OP - I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
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Old 04-05-2016, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,841 posts, read 51,301,408 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PeachSalsa View Post
Yes, we will agree to disagree.

They had been married 49 years. She had been very involved in their church forever. In recent years, she had become depressed and felt that no one would care when she died. She attempted to become a bit reclusive, even declining birthday invitations to HER GRANDCHILDREN'S birthdays (so I always made sure to send the invite via my father instead, because she would no longer pass along the messages to him, and he always made sure they both attended). My father felt the whole community would care (which in fact, they did...)

Had he followed her wishes, he felt he'd be bowing to her declining mental health.
I can sense that family and social relations are very important to you and your father, and you felt the reclusive or pulling back behavior was a sign of declining mental health. There is no way that any of us on the outside can evaluate that. I will say that aging can include a reduction in desire to participate in activities, especially high-energy ones, as the body does not have the reserves to handle them well. It is not a sign of mental illness but more of a recognition of limitations. I would hope that you didn't take her declining invitations personally if that was the case.
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Old 04-05-2016, 12:51 PM
 
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Mod cut: Quoted post deleted.

I should have made it clear that my mother had dementia. Mod cut: Orphaned (reply to deleted post). I did know of her wish to be cremated, but in her final years she lost her ability to communicate, about funerals or anything else for that matter. The ultimate decision not to have a funeral was not communicated to me until the night she died.

Any lack of presence and communication was due to a dreadful disease that stole my mother's mind and her words. In the end, she was bedridden, unable to feed herself, and in a diaper. At the very end, I was holding her hand. Some people would call that being present.

[snip] All her wishes are being honored. Her body is being cremated today.

[snip]

Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-05-2016 at 03:06 PM..
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:06 PM
 
6 posts, read 4,688 times
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Mod cut. I wasn't her primary caregiver. We had a team of people. I did the best I could for my mother while she was alive and while she made her transition to the next life. No regrets. The bottom line is, I don't believe anyone in my family knew for sure whether she wanted a funeral, due to her lack of ability to communicate.

Mod cut.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-05-2016 at 03:08 PM.. Reason: Orphaned (replies to deleted posts).
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Old 04-05-2016, 01:39 PM
 
16,724 posts, read 13,665,130 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BensMomma View Post
My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.

I'm grateful I could be there for my mother's last breath. I saw her dead, which was important for my psyche.... to understand she is GONE. I feel sad there are no flowers, no hymns, no nothing. I feel my mother's ending in no way represents the kind of person she was or the lives she touched.

Hold a memorial for yourself and anyone else that may feel the same way.
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Old 04-05-2016, 02:20 PM
 
11,686 posts, read 13,074,643 times
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Mod cut: Orphaned (reply to comments which have been deleted).

You mentioned no doubt about your mother's wishes in your OP. And your concern was about your own feelings of emptiness without a funeral. So, as a result people are confused: Did she communicate her wishes, or did she lack that ability...two considerably different scenarios. But clearly, your wished for a funeral.

Last edited by PJSaturn; 04-05-2016 at 03:10 PM..
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Old 04-05-2016, 03:39 PM
 
9,658 posts, read 7,629,801 times
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I am so sorry for your loss - there is nothing in the world like losing your mother.

Alternatives to a conventional funeral service might include planting a tree or flower or flowering shrub in your mother's memory - perhaps her favorite plant, or one with blooms in her favorite color. Donations to a charity with meaning for your mother are always appropriate. Consider enlarging and framing your favorite picture of her (if you have not already done so).

Cook her favorite dishes, set the table with her best china (or yours, if someone else has her china now), wear her favorite color or whatever outfit of yours she liked best, invite those who loved her best, and share memories, tears, laughter, and prayers. Let some biodegradable balloons in her favorite color go.

Adopt a cat or dog from your local shelter, in her honor, if she was an animal lover (and if you are one). Or donate or suggest donations to the shelter in her memory.

Write about her. It might be a favorite anecdote from her childhood (or yours), a story, or a poem.

Your local Hospice will have support for those who have suffered recent loss. Look into it in a couple of months (not right away, it's too fresh now...).

Sending best wishes to you.
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