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Old 04-04-2016, 10:09 AM
 
6 posts, read 4,701 times
Reputation: 35

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My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.

I'm grateful I could be there for my mother's last breath. I saw her dead, which was important for my psyche.... to understand she is GONE. I feel sad there are no flowers, no hymns, no nothing. I feel my mother's ending in no way represents the kind of person she was or the lives she touched.
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Old 04-04-2016, 11:29 AM
 
Location: Somewhere in northern Alabama
16,904 posts, read 51,505,945 times
Reputation: 27850
Quote:
Originally Posted by BensMomma View Post
My mother died last week and is being cremated. I didn't realize until I was sitting by her death bed that there would be no funeral, just a graveside service later this month. My family told me this is what she wanted, but I'm left with a gaping hole. When my father died, the ritual of the funeral gave me great comfort. While I respect my mother's wishes, this experience has sealed my decision about my own plans. I will pre-arrange a funeral so anyone who wants to say goodbye when I die, can.

I'm grateful I could be there for my mother's last breath. I saw her dead, which was important for my psyche.... to understand she is GONE. I feel sad there are no flowers, no hymns, no nothing. I feel my mother's ending in no way represents the kind of person she was or the lives she touched.
You have stated that your views conflict with what your mother wanted. I urge you to accept her choice as the way she felt most comfortable. While the rituals are for the living, the respect is for the deceased. On the opposite side of your coin, my mother specifically did not want an open casket, and my father blatantly disobeyed those wishes. It was about the most disrespectful thing he could have done, and it angered all of her children. You may find that as you age your desires on what happens at your own demise will change, and all you can do is trust others to carry out those wishes. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you find solace at the graveside ceremony.
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:34 PM
 
428 posts, read 181,754 times
Reputation: 1708
I am one that does not want a funeral. I recently saw an obit in the newspaper that really resonated with me. It went something like this:

In accordance with her wishes, she will be memorialized privately by her family.

This was a person in her 40's.

I've had people argue with me that "funerals are for the living" but I feel that it's very disrespectful not to honor the final wishes of a loved one.
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:39 PM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,294 posts, read 2,894,929 times
Reputation: 4257
Accept her wishes and let your mind and her soul in peace! Big hug for you!
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Old 04-04-2016, 12:41 PM
 
9,391 posts, read 8,780,149 times
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My father told us he did not want a funeral or a service.

What he was saying is that we start to grieve upon hearing of one's death and he would want us to begin to heal instead of having to start the process again in a few days to a week later when a funeral would take place.

At first I didn't agree, but after his death I completely understood. It was his wish, and we adhered.
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Old 04-04-2016, 03:01 PM
 
2,692 posts, read 3,902,116 times
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I don't want a funeral or service. I would prefer that my friends and loved ones look out to the stars and wish me well.

I would also prefer that what little money I have left go to my heirs - not a funeral home.
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Old 04-04-2016, 03:02 PM
 
2,287 posts, read 2,501,810 times
Reputation: 7000
I am anti funeral and see them as a huge expenditure when you're not in your right mind. I think the best thing to do is have everyone who wants to, at a loved ones home. Have pictures of the deceased and tell loving and funny stories. Potluck or bring in food from a restaurant.


I believe looking at a dead loved one is morbid, other than immediate family if they desire in private. If my family puts me on display I'll haunt them forever. If a person is loved, go see them while they're alive. My condolences OP.
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Old 04-04-2016, 04:19 PM
 
Location: I am right here.
4,864 posts, read 3,737,869 times
Reputation: 15282
Quote:
Originally Posted by harry chickpea View Post
You have stated that your views conflict with what your mother wanted. I urge you to accept her choice as the way she felt most comfortable. While the rituals are for the living, the respect is for the deceased. On the opposite side of your coin, my mother specifically did not want an open casket, and my father blatantly disobeyed those wishes. It was about the most disrespectful thing he could have done, and it angered all of her children. You may find that as you age your desires on what happens at your own demise will change, and all you can do is trust others to carry out those wishes. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you find solace at the graveside ceremony.
My mother had told my father she did not want a funeral either. However, she died very unexpectedly and my father NEEDED to have a funeral for her. So we had a funeral. It was a very nice funeral, attended by hundreds of people.

Those closest need to decide what is best for them, IMO.

OP, my condolences. May you find peace.
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Old 04-04-2016, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Arizona Desert
3,079 posts, read 939,992 times
Reputation: 1698
When my father died, he was cremated and wanted no "funeral" but was buried in the Urn Garden at the cemetery of his choice. Family members and a couple of close friends gathered at the grave site (no church service or preacher) to say our final goodbyes. During this, we started telling stories about him, telling his favorite jokes and singing his favorite songs. By the time it was all over, we were laughing and crying at the same time. THIS is what my father wanted and that is what he got. I believe if a person's final wishes are known, they should be followed...no matter what ANYONE else wants.

Me? Cremate me and spread my ashes...I don't care where. I don't want to be buried or live in an urn on a shelf. Let me go....

Peace to you, OP.
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Old 04-04-2016, 07:17 PM
 
10,441 posts, read 7,537,961 times
Reputation: 18430
Have a memorial to celebrate her life. I'd invite people because no one reads newspapers anymore.
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