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Old 04-27-2016, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Alexandria, VA
10,721 posts, read 19,072,684 times
Reputation: 14703

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Disgustedman View Post
I send them out often. Mainly to families who announce their gay kids marriage....
In keeping with your name. How rude to post such a thing in the grief & mourning thread.
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Old 04-27-2016, 03:21 PM
 
594 posts, read 1,106,499 times
Reputation: 1027
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
My Mom died recently. I notified all my friends via Email, and then went through her address book notifying her friends and our relatives by handwritten note. Most of the Email people replied via Email that they were sorry to hear it. One said I was lucky to have had my Mom so long when hers had died younger, which seemed kind of snarky. Out of all the notifications, I got only one sympathy card. And only one person who asked who to donate to in her name. None of the people I notified by mail, which took a long time to do, even acknowledged I had sent the notice. I had mailed cards to many of these people when their parents died.

So I'm wondering if sending sympathy cards, or acknowledging someone's death, is no longer done? I still send cards and/or call. What experiences have others had?

OP - sorry for your loss.

Just curious, why would you snail mail people to notify them of your Mother's passing? Wouldn't a phone call be easier and more personable?

In any event, the lack of a response from those that were notified is unfortunately a sign of the times.

We also keep sympathy cards on hand and make donations to favorite charities.

May time make your Mom's passing easier to deal with - the pain never goes away, it just gets easier to deal with.
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Old 04-27-2016, 05:19 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,253,758 times
Reputation: 4554
My husband died in early December (2014). After a long illness, we found out in November that he had 3-4 weeks to live (which ended up being completely accurate.) In early November I send letters by snail mail to all my friends and relatives saying basically this is our situation, you won't get a Christmas card from me this year. Thank you for your support over these years of disability, please keep us in your hearts as we go through this together. I did this because many of them knew it was kind of touch-and-go at that point, and I didn't want them to feel uncomfortable about sending Christmas cards when they didn't know whether he would be alive or dead. They needed to know that by Christmas, he would be gone. I emailed this only to my family who is overseas, as I thought it might take too long for them to get a regular letter. Everyone else got their letter by USPS. As a result, we got many calls, cards, letters and then Christmas cards acknowledging all of this. I did get a few emails, but almost all personal correspondence of some kind. I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. Maybe to say that personal communication, not screen time, is still in existence and is both appropriate and comforting in situations of loss. I think many people wrote back to us by mail because I had reached out by mail.
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Old 04-27-2016, 06:25 PM
 
2,054 posts, read 985,923 times
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Sorry for the loss of your mother, OP.

How long ago did she die and was she elderly? If she died recently, cards might still be coming in the mail. Your news may have shocked and upset people and it may have taken them some time to do the appropriate thing (calling, writing a letter or sending a card). In cases like this it might have been better to call your relatives to tell them the sad news. I remember my father making such calls to relatives and friends of the deceased, letting them know that so and so died, and arrangements were in the process of being made. Perhaps some of her relatives/friends back East would have made the trip.

If your mother was elderly and outlived most of her relatives and friends or had no contact with them for the past couple of years, there is little more that you could have done. It's also possible that the people that you wrote to are in no condition to reply to you (if they are elderly as well they may have mobility issues or illness that preclude them from responding as they might have wanted to).
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Old 04-27-2016, 07:43 PM
 
16,785 posts, read 19,654,434 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Javacoffee View Post
I would never send condolences in an email. This family sends out snail mail cards. We also make phone calls if we know the people well.

I've seen people show their "sympathy" by posting Facebook posts with sad cartoon faces. When did that become acceptable?

This is our future. I don't like it. There's something very wrong in the way we communicate. Though we are able to connect with strangers across the globe, we seem to have disconnected from those who matter the most.
Great comments. It takes so little effort to send a card, I saved many and look at them from time to time, it gives me comfort.

Somehow a sad face on a Facebook post doesn't do that.
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Old 05-01-2016, 06:19 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,475,083 times
Reputation: 17235
Unhappy  

Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2
So I'm wondering if sending sympathy cards, or acknowledging someone's death, is no longer done? I still send cards and/or call.
Ahhhhh Im sorry for your mom.......

Im sure the neighbour didnt mean it to sound bad,I think they were saying how fortunate you were for having her so long in your life


Yes I know...... People have become mean and stale!!!!!! -- No one sends anyone anything and its sad...... I have had the same kinda things... People being mean to me online,etc..... On a couple sites people complaining cause I call them BUDDY,friend,etc... what the hell is wrong with that?? -- I cant change who I am.... I look @ people as my friends,I cant help it if they are in a bad mood and dont wanna be friendly anymore...... (I am also in a bad mood but I dont take it out on others)

I think sending cards IS TOO MUCH WORK for most ppl today.... YES I THINK ITS A GOOD THING TO DO!!


I am so sorry for your mom
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Old 05-01-2016, 06:41 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,311 posts, read 50,576,723 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UNC4Me View Post
I'm at the age where I keep a stock of sympathy cards in the house since my friends parents are dropping like files. I like to write a hand written note. Old fashioned maybe, but that's what I like to do.
I do the same.
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Old 05-01-2016, 06:49 PM
Status: "Even better than okay" (set 12 days ago)
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
51,311 posts, read 50,576,723 times
Reputation: 60240
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
One said I was lucky to have had my Mom so long when hers had died younger, which seemed kind of snarky.
I am sorry about your mom.

Wanted to address that sentence. I have run into this before. One such person was my ex, whose father had died at 49. When one of our friends would lose an elderly parent, he would say, "I'm supposed to feel bad for them? They had their father till he was 80!" As if there's some magic age when you are not going to grieve because your parent was "old enough". Another was a friend who lost her dad at 13 and her mother at 24. When her father-in-law died at 86, she confessed to me that she couldn't understand the grief of her husband and his siblings when they got to have their father for so long.
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Old 05-01-2016, 10:38 PM
GPC
 
1,197 posts, read 2,716,138 times
Reputation: 849
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
I am sorry about your mom.

Wanted to address that sentence. I have run into this before. One such person was my ex, whose father had died at 49. When one of our friends would lose an elderly parent, he would say, "I'm supposed to feel bad for them? They had their father till he was 80!" As if there's some magic age when you are not going to grieve because your parent was "old enough". Another was a friend who lost her dad at 13 and her mother at 24. When her father-in-law died at 86, she confessed to me that she couldn't understand the grief of her husband and his siblings when they got to have their father for so long.
I had a similar experience with a cousin. Her parents died much younger than mine. She made a comment that clearly indicated she resented the fact that I had so many more years with my mother and father. I thought this was extremely rude and insensitive of her; just because my parents lived longer than hers doesn't diminish my grief one bit.
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Old 05-04-2016, 05:44 PM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,672 posts, read 7,707,320 times
Reputation: 12390
Quote:
Originally Posted by Windwalker2 View Post
My Mom died recently. I notified all my friends via Email, and then went through her address book notifying her friends and our relatives by handwritten note. Most of the Email people replied via Email that they were sorry to hear it. One said I was lucky to have had my Mom so long when hers had died younger, which seemed kind of snarky. Out of all the notifications, I got only one sympathy card. And only one person who asked who to donate to in her name. None of the people I notified by mail, which took a long time to do, even acknowledged I had sent the notice. I had mailed cards to many of these people when their parents died.

So I'm wondering if sending sympathy cards, or acknowledging someone's death, is no longer done? I still send cards and/or call. What experiences have others had?
Firstly I'm very sorry for your loss

To be honest I may send flowers to the family if I knew them or the person that died well enough.

But in my opinion making the effort and attending the funeral and the wake afterwards is the very best way to let a loved one of the deceased know you care.

I think the personal touch matters more than anything else.
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