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Old 08-08-2016, 01:49 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,863 posts, read 18,902,231 times
Reputation: 25113

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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
Well, my Dad lost his battle with cancer early Sunday morning. My sister swooped in the next day and already started emptying his house put and getting a dumpster to throw his possessions away. Not even 24 hours had passed at that point. So I said goodbye to childhood home as she tore it apart, and both my other brother and sister have been estranged and will not go to funeral. I'm literally so sad and depressed because my sister ended up putting him in a nursing home temporarily because she needed respite (without me,knowing), and it broke his,spirit. At the end of his life, my last visit, he was frail, curled up in a fetal position with his diaper sticking out not able to breathe even with oxygen. Now I have family acting this way, and I have very few people to talk to about this.
I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your sister is cleaning his house and sorting his possessions because she feels like she needs to be doing something, so that she can get it all done. Maybe staying busy is how she works through her emotions, or maybe she's just exhausted and wants to get all the details taken care of so she feels like she can rest.

I also don't think putting him in a nursing home temporarily broke his spirit. He was already close to his time. It was going to happen somewhere, whether it was a nursing home, hospice, or at home. If he was past the point where there was a chance of recovery, which it sounds like he was for at least a couple of months, then his passing is better than forcing him to go on for a long time dealing with the pain and not being able to breathe.

Your sister was doing better than a lot of caregivers do...they don't take care of themselves properly because they can't bear to put the person they're caring for into someone else's care for a little while. You said you live a few hours away, so you probably weren't aware of how much she was having to do and how little time that left her for things like getting enough sleep or going to the doctor. Don't be angry for her for needing to take care of herself while taking care of your dad.

You should go and give your sister a hug and tell her that you'll help her with the house, that she doesn't have to do it all alone and it doesn't all have to be done right that minute.

I also think maybe some of the anger you're feeling is toward your father, who you said was abusive. You were hoping there would be some form of closure, some point at which he looked at you and the wonderful person you've become and apologized for everything he ever did or said that hurt you. Now that he's gone, you know that's never going to happen, but it doesn't feel right to be angry with him, so you're directing your anger toward your sister.
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Old 08-08-2016, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,798 posts, read 2,154,918 times
Reputation: 5193
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
I've heard stories like this, and I think my father is having a similar experience. Keeps saying he keeps dreaming about his brothers and sisters who have passed, as well as my Mom. He keeps talking like as if she is there, and I wonder...is she? to him?
I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed this in my patients who were slowly but surely passing. I also experienced with people who verged on find death ..and came back..They too had wonderful stories..in fact some didn't want to return due to sense of such peace and love..but was told not their time.

In the meantime, most who go the such suffering in any longer lasting terminal illness..seem to accept things increasingly as they experience these visits in their minds. Often, it's the sudden , unexpected deaths that exhibit anger, fear and fight..often refuse to accept assistance ( I called it Fight or flight reaction thus unaccepting)..IF time is allowed..Most often these people succumb peacefully..and that my dear friend is the most beautiful thing to observe..Often they pass on with smile on their face..and all wrinkles ( of stress) erased.. I sure wish I could wave a magic want to make this easier for you..but I pray your father is a much better place <heart> ..

Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
Well, my Dad lost his battle with cancer early Sunday morning. My sister swooped in the next day and already started emptying his house put and getting a dumpster to throw his possessions away. Not even 24 hours had passed at that point. So I said goodbye to childhood home as she tore it apart, and both my other brother and sister have been estranged and will not go to funeral. I'm literally so sad and depressed because my sister ended up putting him in a nursing home temporarily because she needed respite (without me,knowing), and it broke his,spirit. At the end of his life, my last visit, he was frail, curled up in a fetal position with his diaper sticking out not able to breathe even with oxygen. Now I have family acting this way, and I have very few people to talk to about this.
Unfortunately, following a passing..there can be the worst the comes out of the children and family. I've thankfully been blessed having dealt with witnessing both Dad and Mom's passing..and thru my brother..my SIL. I guess due to understanding of the process..we ( brother and myself) always discussed with each other everything..No surprises..demands nor inconsiderate decisions made! Again..I'm blessed..but you not so and for that I feel so sorry

Condolences on your loss @bluemonday ..Please try to accept your father's passing..and try to turn the other cheek regarding your sibling horrific insensitivite behaviour!
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Old 08-08-2016, 02:24 PM
 
Location: Columbia SC
7,969 posts, read 6,720,934 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thinkalot View Post
I think most on here can relate.

In this case you should go with your head. His suffering longer won't do either of you any good.

You have my sympathy.
I agree with what said.
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Old 08-08-2016, 03:49 PM
 
5,529 posts, read 1,951,993 times
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I'm so sorry for your loss, Bluemonday. And I'm sorry about your family situation, which doesn't make things any easier. Hugs to you.
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Old 08-08-2016, 05:56 PM
 
26,163 posts, read 14,467,561 times
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Unhappy  

Ahh Bluemonday,I am so sorry............

We are all here for you
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Old 08-15-2016, 10:11 AM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 958,857 times
Reputation: 1753
Thanks for all the support everyone...I have distanced myself from my sister, and asking how she is here and there. I just have to hold onto good memories of my mother and father...
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Old 08-15-2016, 01:36 PM
 
Location: So Cal
38,762 posts, read 37,938,490 times
Reputation: 39596
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
My Dad is in the process of dying from cancer, and is in hospice care but at home. Every-time I get a phone call, I am on the edge of my seat thinking I hope this isn't the ultimate call to tell me he has passed. However, I know he is suffering so part of me (my head) thinks it would be good, but my heart is not accepting that!

Can anybody relate??

A lot of people can relate. I'm sorry you are going through this I know exactly how you are feeling and just know that every thing you feel is natural and don't beat yourself up for having feeling that you don't understand why you are having them.


My mom passed from cancer and I was there by her side everyday. Hospice people are probably angels. I don't usually say corny things like "angels" but they really are great people. They were good with my mom. Hopefully they are keeping your dad feeling comfortable. Take care of yourself.
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Old 08-22-2016, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Leaving fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada
3,836 posts, read 6,609,950 times
Reputation: 7254
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I'm sorry for your loss.

I think your sister is cleaning his house and sorting his possessions because she feels like she needs to be doing something, so that she can get it all done. Maybe staying busy is how she works through her emotions, or maybe she's just exhausted and wants to get all the details taken care of so she feels like she can rest.

I also don't think putting him in a nursing home temporarily broke his spirit. He was already close to his time. It was going to happen somewhere, whether it was a nursing home, hospice, or at home. If he was past the point where there was a chance of recovery, which it sounds like he was for at least a couple of months, then his passing is better than forcing him to go on for a long time dealing with the pain and not being able to breathe.

Your sister was doing better than a lot of caregivers do...they don't take care of themselves properly because they can't bear to put the person they're caring for into someone else's care for a little while. You said you live a few hours away, so you probably weren't aware of how much she was having to do and how little time that left her for things like getting enough sleep or going to the doctor. Don't be angry for her for needing to take care of herself while taking care of your dad.

You should go and give your sister a hug and tell her that you'll help her with the house, that she doesn't have to do it all alone and it doesn't all have to be done right that minute.

I also think maybe some of the anger you're feeling is toward your father, who you said was abusive. You were hoping there would be some form of closure, some point at which he looked at you and the wonderful person you've become and apologized for everything he ever did or said that hurt you. Now that he's gone, you know that's never going to happen, but it doesn't feel right to be angry with him, so you're directing your anger toward your sister.
^^This. It is extremely difficult to be a primary caregiver for someone with advanced cancer. More than you can ever know unless you do it and go through the stages.

You start grieving before you call hospice. You literally put your body into it as the person you are caring for loses their ability to walk, and even stand up without your help. You put your soul into as you wrack your brain trying to find something they can eat. You put everything aside to do endless laundry and to change beds. You try to preserve their dignity as you empty catheters and commodes. Then you feel guilty for wanting to leave the house to do anything to escape it for awhile.

Please don't armchair quarterback your sister's decision for a bit of respite and her need to finish what she is doing. In my experience, if a respite opportunity arises, you have to accept it immediately or potentially lose the opportunity. She did a lot for your dad, and for your family. Go help her. Go talk with her.

I am sorry for your loss.
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Old 08-24-2016, 07:48 AM
 
Location: PA
839 posts, read 958,857 times
Reputation: 1753
I see what you guys are saying about my sister, however she is starting to become transparent. She has the house in her name now, but she said she can have me put back on but will need my "help" with taxes and repairs. I walked away and don't feel that it is with good intentions she is doing this...really, she can have the house because it sounds like a deal I pay, pay, pay, and she just expenses, expenses, expenses, and she benefits.

I called her bluff, and wouldn't you know...she already through 5K into kitchen modifications to my Dads house (now hers), and he has only been gone 2.5 weeks! She wants to repair it and rent it out immediately (it was in bad shape and had termites), and all she keeps talking about when we do talk is "money, money, money..." everytime I call. There is no talk of memories, no asking me how I am, just about repairs to her house, repairs to my Dad's former house, all about her daughter going to college, etc. Its depressing. I have not heard at all from my other two siblings either...they are hurt by my Dad, and really want nothing to do with the family. I will try again with my brother though, because I have talked to him a bit since this happened but he wouldn't go to my fathers funeral.

So, with this lack of interest in all things sentimental from my family, somehow I am getting my parents ashes and now have the ability to spread them as they would love (in their favorite vacation spot). I am sorta at peace in some ways that I really have no family and its just my husband and I in life together. Holidays will be sad for us both.
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Old 08-24-2016, 12:12 PM
 
3,964 posts, read 5,251,370 times
Reputation: 4554
Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
I see what you guys are saying about my sister, however she is starting to become transparent. She has the house in her name now, but she said she can have me put back on but will need my "help" with taxes and repairs. I walked away and don't feel that it is with good intentions she is doing this...really, she can have the house because it sounds like a deal I pay, pay, pay, and she just expenses, expenses, expenses, and she benefits.

I called her bluff, and wouldn't you know...she already through 5K into kitchen modifications to my Dads house (now hers), and he has only been gone 2.5 weeks! She wants to repair it and rent it out immediately (it was in bad shape and had termites), and all she keeps talking about when we do talk is "money, money, money..." everytime I call. There is no talk of memories, no asking me how I am, just about repairs to her house, repairs to my Dad's former house, all about her daughter going to college, etc. Its depressing. I have not heard at all from my other two siblings either...they are hurt by my Dad, and really want nothing to do with the family. I will try again with my brother though, because I have talked to him a bit since this happened but he wouldn't go to my fathers funeral.

So, with this lack of interest in all things sentimental from my family, somehow I am getting my parents ashes and now have the ability to spread them as they would love (in their favorite vacation spot). I am sorta at peace in some ways that I really have no family and its just my husband and I in life together. Holidays will be sad for us both.
As for your first paragraph, it is absolutely true that if you are to have a half ownership of the house, you will need to put in half the investment on repairs, taxes, and other expenses. It is not clear to me why you assume her intentions are bad. This is a normal arrangement for siblings to share ownership and responsibility for the parents' house. I can understand that you may not want to do this, as you will need to work closely with your sister on making all those decisions, and you may not be up for that. So you have the right to walk away. But don't hold that against her, as that is your decision.

Second paragraph: I'm wondering if you two are not just out of sinc on your grieving over your dad. She was there all the time, and may have done a lot of grieving as he became worse and increasingly lost his "self" to the disease. Perhaps she saw his death as a relief. I kind of felt that way about my mom. It was time for her to go. She had no quality of life at all. I grieved a great deal for her as I was seeing her slip away, but by the time she died, it seemed like the right thing. You were not so present during this time, so maybe you are more at the beginning of your time to grieve, while she is closer to the end. I can see that the concentration on money would be offensive to you if you are in the early stages of grief. But perhaps that's not where she is, and she is ready to move on and be practical. We are all different in the way we grieve.

So sorry about all the conflict. It makes a hard time even harder.
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