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Old 08-24-2016, 03:32 PM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 964,294 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
As for your first paragraph, it is absolutely true that if you are to have a half ownership of the house, you will need to put in half the investment on repairs, taxes, and other expenses. It is not clear to me why you assume her intentions are bad. This is a normal arrangement for siblings to share ownership and responsibility for the parents' house. I can understand that you may not want to do this, as you will need to work closely with your sister on making all those decisions, and you may not be up for that. So you have the right to walk away. But don't hold that against her, as that is your decision.

Second paragraph: I'm wondering if you two are not just out of sinc on your grieving over your dad. She was there all the time, and may have done a lot of grieving as he became worse and increasingly lost his "self" to the disease. Perhaps she saw his death as a relief. I kind of felt that way about my mom. It was time for her to go. She had no quality of life at all. I grieved a great deal for her as I was seeing her slip away, but by the time she died, it seemed like the right thing. You were not so present during this time, so maybe you are more at the beginning of your time to grieve, while she is closer to the end. I can see that the concentration on money would be offensive to you if you are in the early stages of grief. But perhaps that's not where she is, and she is ready to move on and be practical. We are all different in the way we grieve.

So sorry about all the conflict. It makes a hard time even harder.
The conflict is hard, but I am keeping my head up. My sister was closer due to living so close to him, so she saw him everyday and seems somewhat relieved so I see what you are saying. However, she has ironically always been the type focused on herself, talking about herself, talking about her possessions..."I, me my" are the expressions she always starts a sentence with. So, I see her "grief" as just an extension of herself and truly focused on herself. She has literally not asked me once since he died how I am doing, and I refuse to tell her unless she asks. Conversations are VERY one sided as a result. In a way it is good since she is the type to hone in on another's weakness and turn the situation back at them - the type to throw it in your face! So you see, I am trying to understand my sister, but I also know my sister and its a sad situation.

It comes down to this: God I wish I just had normal family left! My Dad was sorta a jerk, so I miss him but also relieved that I won't have to put up with his verbal abuse anymore...but my Mom was the kind one, I miss her and long for her A LOT! Oct it will be 3 years since she passed. She would be appalled with my sister's behavior!
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Old 08-24-2016, 08:24 PM
 
9,414 posts, read 8,487,038 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
The conflict is hard, but I am keeping my head up. My sister was closer due to living so close to him, so she saw him everyday and seems somewhat relieved so I see what you are saying. However, she has ironically always been the type focused on herself, talking about herself, talking about her possessions..."I, me my" are the expressions she always starts a sentence with. So, I see her "grief" as just an extension of herself and truly focused on herself. She has literally not asked me once since he died how I am doing, and I refuse to tell her unless she asks. Conversations are VERY one sided as a result. In a way it is good since she is the type to hone in on another's weakness and turn the situation back at them - the type to throw it in your face! So you see, I am trying to understand my sister, but I also know my sister and its a sad situation.

It comes down to this: God I wish I just had normal family left! My Dad was sorta a jerk, so I miss him but also relieved that I won't have to put up with his verbal abuse anymore...but my Mom was the kind one, I miss her and long for her A LOT! Oct it will be 3 years since she passed. She would be appalled with my sister's behavior!
Frankly , you seem more confused than anything about your feelings toward your Dad..you have mentioned negativity in almost every post since the first one. With time you will just remember the good stuff hopefully. My Dad died this year and like many he was very immature/angry as a younger man. But he mellowed and became a nicer person. That's what I remember. Let the bad stuff go..it won't do you any good.
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Old 08-24-2016, 09:18 PM
 
3,986 posts, read 5,274,288 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
The conflict is hard, but I am keeping my head up. My sister was closer due to living so close to him, so she saw him everyday and seems somewhat relieved so I see what you are saying. However, she has ironically always been the type focused on herself, talking about herself, talking about her possessions..."I, me my" are the expressions she always starts a sentence with. So, I see her "grief" as just an extension of herself and truly focused on herself. She has literally not asked me once since he died how I am doing, and I refuse to tell her unless she asks. Conversations are VERY one sided as a result. In a way it is good since she is the type to hone in on another's weakness and turn the situation back at them - the type to throw it in your face! So you see, I am trying to understand my sister, but I also know my sister and its a sad situation.

OK. It sounds like even if there was not a death in the family, you would not have liked to spend much time with your sister and that you don't feel comfortable being yourself with her. So I can see you might not want to share home ownership and responsibility with her. As I mentioned, you can walk away from the house ownership because you don't want the conflict. That is a valid thing to do. Just don't start feeling that you were cheated out of the house. She gave you the option, so you need to own your decision.

It comes down to this: God I wish I just had normal family left! My Dad was sorta a jerk, so I miss him but also relieved that I won't have to put up with his verbal abuse anymore...but my Mom was the kind one, I miss her and long for her A LOT! Oct it will be 3 years since she passed. She would be appalled with my sister's behavior!
So it may take some time for you to sort out your feeling about all your family relationships. But I would suggest that you put your energies into relationships that are good - that are comfortable and satisfying, in which you can be yourself. Talk with your husband about developing other friendships, shared activities, etc. Build your community. Volunteer, join a church, find groups to travel or socialize with. People are what make life good, and if your biological family can't supply you with meaningful relationships, look elsewhere. If you feel Christmas will be sad with just you and your husband, find ways to share the holidays with friends and/or give to others. If you make the holidays better for someone else, it will also be better for you.
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Old 08-25-2016, 12:10 AM
 
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Sorry, part of my answer got inserted into the quote. I guess I don't have the system down yet.
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Old 08-25-2016, 09:00 AM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 964,294 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
So it may take some time for you to sort out your feeling about all your family relationships. But I would suggest that you put your energies into relationships that are good - that are comfortable and satisfying, in which you can be yourself. Talk with your husband about developing other friendships, shared activities, etc. Build your community. Volunteer, join a church, find groups to travel or socialize with. People are what make life good, and if your biological family can't supply you with meaningful relationships, look elsewhere. If you feel Christmas will be sad with just you and your husband, find ways to share the holidays with friends and/or give to others. If you make the holidays better for someone else, it will also be better for you.
Been there, done that! I have so many volunteer t-shirts in my wardrobe they take up an entire drawer with more events scheduled in Sept. (who knew certain events require certain shirts)! Volunteering keeps me very busy, but I am not making many friends with it. I have hiking groups, neighbors, co-workers, etc. I hang out with, but when the holidays come they get busy and disperse with their own families. It gets lonely when all my volunteer contacts, meet up group contact, etc. get busy around the holidays. We will see them at the Dec holiday parties (if there are any), but usually we won't see them from Nov. through Jan otherwise. I see neighbors houses piled with cars in front of them around the holidays, while our driveway remains bare. Visits/SMALL gatherings during the holidays would be nice, even if we don't have the most accomidating house (we have bird cages everywhere - another story for another time, we can accomidate very small groups only).

Ironically, I am joining a few grief and morning groups because I realize that going to volunteer and having common interest gatherings will not find me the type of people that will emotionally connect over this grief. They start in Sept, and I am hopefully that just maybe what you said above may hold true with this group. I have had people try IRL, and people that have honestly come up to me and didn't know what to say whatsoever because they haven't gone through this. Others who love to hear the story about how dysfunctional my family is as if it is a good drama. It actually makes a juicy story, but I am only giving the bits and pieces here. So I am hoping that the grief group puts me more with the people I need to be with at this time. Yes I agree, people who make life good are great, but it would be better to meet people who also have this void like us all while being great people (My husband lost his grandmother who raised him last year). Who knows, maybe we can find more people to invite to Thanksgiving as long as they don't have feather/fur allergies.

As far as the church idea, I am actually scared to go to church! I know...rediculous! I would probably meet some nice people there, and get to talk to a minister about my doubts and fears (spiritually speaking). Evangelicals frankly scare me though I am sure they don't bite.
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Old 08-25-2016, 09:13 AM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 964,294 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jp03 View Post
Frankly , you seem more confused than anything about your feelings toward your Dad..you have mentioned negativity in almost every post since the first one. With time you will just remember the good stuff hopefully. My Dad died this year and like many he was very immature/angry as a younger man. But he mellowed and became a nicer person. That's what I remember. Let the bad stuff go..it won't do you any good.
I am quite confused, and just upset in some ways the cycles he went through and struggling to remember the good especially with things that came out after he died. He was mean growing up and as we got older, mellowed when he got cancer the first time. Then became a bear again till my Mom passed in 13'. He was nice again for a while, but then got nasty and then got cancer. It made him nastier for the most part. He shut my brother out totally, and refused to speak to him and refused to let us (my sister and I) speak to him or he would stop speaking to us.

I realize now, ironically in talking to the brother who has been estranged from my Dad over the past two years that my sister used to tell my father all kinds of stories about me and my husband to get him against my husband and I. It makes sense now, as my sister pushed out my brother, she tried to have me pushed out to but I would not let my father no matter how mean he was to me.

I just realized this cycle in the last month after his death, and I am literally floored my sister would do this to me and that she had ill intentions the whole time, and that my father would buy into this. Then again, my sister is good! I had no idea until after he died, but my husband told me all along to watch out for her and I didn't believe him.

As far as my brother, I listened to BOTH my sister and father's lies about him, and now the relationship is not right because as per my father's wishes I didn't tell him Dad was dying. I apologized and tried to make peace with my brother, but there is still no relationship there except for social media messaging. I guess I should try to nuture that relationship with time.

But I am BEYOND confused with how it all went down and getting over it! It gets me where I am struggling to think of the good times, I know they are there, but deep, deep within my memory!
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Old 08-25-2016, 10:46 AM
 
9,414 posts, read 8,487,038 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post
I am quite confused, and just upset in some ways the cycles he went through and struggling to remember the good especially with things that came out after he died. He was mean growing up and as we got older, mellowed when he got cancer the first time. Then became a bear again till my Mom passed in 13'. He was nice again for a while, but then got nasty and then got cancer. It made him nastier for the most part. He shut my brother out totally, and refused to speak to him and refused to let us (my sister and I) speak to him or he would stop speaking to us.

I realize now, ironically in talking to the brother who has been estranged from my Dad over the past two years that my sister used to tell my father all kinds of stories about me and my husband to get him against my husband and I. It makes sense now, as my sister pushed out my brother, she tried to have me pushed out to but I would not let my father no matter how mean he was to me.

I just realized this cycle in the last month after his death, and I am literally floored my sister would do this to me and that she had ill intentions the whole time, and that my father would buy into this. Then again, my sister is good! I had no idea until after he died, but my husband told me all along to watch out for her and I didn't believe him.

As far as my brother, I listened to BOTH my sister and father's lies about him, and now the relationship is not right because as per my father's wishes I didn't tell him Dad was dying. I apologized and tried to make peace with my brother, but there is still no relationship there except for social media messaging. I guess I should try to nuture that relationship with time.

But I am BEYOND confused with how it all went down and getting over it! It gets me where I am struggling to think of the good times, I know they are there, but deep, deep within my memory!
Life is too short to analyze this stuff . Go have a nice bottle of wine and stop overthinking it. Honestly, its not worth it.
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:30 AM
 
Location: PA
838 posts, read 964,294 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jp03 View Post
Life is too short to analyze this stuff . Go have a nice bottle of wine and stop overthinking it. Honestly, its not worth it.
WHOLE BOTTLE...lol! I am not in that rough of shape and don't need to be drunk + 10 lbs fatter. I'll sip a glass...thanks!

Last edited by bluemonday; 08-25-2016 at 12:01 PM..
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Old 08-25-2016, 11:53 AM
 
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My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss - and just as sorry that you are in conflict with so many in your remaining family and even with yourself.


This is a very tough time for you all. And everyone is different - and they grieve differently.


I have been through losing my mother to cancer, my sister very suddenly to a drunk boat operator, my husband to his own demons (but unexpectedly), and most recently, my father who lived a long life but was, in my estimation, killed by the 'system', not by anything that should fell an essentially healthy elder person. (And, in the case of three out of the 4 losses, there was a lot of anger, among other emotions, in me at the time.)


During all of that, my brother seemed so very aloof. He sequestered himself/essentially withdrew and tried to pretend nothing was going on outside of his micro-world, and allowed his wife (who I used to like but that changed over the years) to be his 'front man' - and she was very into 'stuff' ... only the best 'stuff' and money - while doing very little to help anyone take care of anyone on our side of the family. I was happy to do the major share of 'caretaking' but they came to rely on that way too much in my estimation - only really showing up to collect the spoils when it came to my parents and sister. At the time, their attitude and behaviour really, really hurt - and if I am honest, I felt a lot of it was intended to demean me.


It took me a fair bit of time to just come to terms with the fact that I really never knew them at all. And the fact that, had I to choose them as friends, I probably never would. However, I am sure he did grieve - just very differently than I did .. so I forgave him .. for myself as much as for him. We have little contact now but I am at peace about all that for the most part. They have the right to live their lives as they see fit - and I have the same right. The stuff is just 'stuff' ... I have memories ... and that is the only thing that really matters in the long run.


I agree with jp03 - take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, toast your father, and remember something good about him. Try to smile a bit even through your tears - but don't be angry with yourself if you can't do that well for quite a while. Don't try to understand your sister - that helps neither of you. That said though .. I know how tough it is. In a few years when you look back on this time, I expect you may regret too much time and energy wasted on being upset with your sister, even if she is a cad. Hang in there. This is all very fresh and difficult. Look after yourself! <HUG>
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Old 08-25-2016, 01:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bluemonday View Post

As far as the church idea, I am actually scared to go to church! I know...rediculous! I would probably meet some nice people there, and get to talk to a minister about my doubts and fears (spiritually speaking). Evangelicals frankly scare me though I am sure they don't bite.
There are lots of churches out there that are not evangelical. You don't have to try anything fundamentalist, just churches who emphasize spiritual health, support and emotional development within the belief structure. It probably depends on where you are, but many Methodist churches are very open minded, or try Unitarian or Unity Church. I'm sure there are others that I'm not thinking of.
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