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Old 08-25-2016, 02:01 PM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 957,758 times
Reputation: 1753


Originally Posted by Aery11 View Post
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss - and just as sorry that you are in conflict with so many in your remaining family and even with yourself.

This is a very tough time for you all. And everyone is different - and they grieve differently.

I have been through losing my mother to cancer, my sister very suddenly to a drunk boat operator, my husband to his own demons (but unexpectedly), and most recently, my father who lived a long life but was, in my estimation, killed by the 'system', not by anything that should fell an essentially healthy elder person. (And, in the case of three out of the 4 losses, there was a lot of anger, among other emotions, in me at the time.)

During all of that, my brother seemed so very aloof. He sequestered himself/essentially withdrew and tried to pretend nothing was going on outside of his micro-world, and allowed his wife (who I used to like but that changed over the years) to be his 'front man' - and she was very into 'stuff' ... only the best 'stuff' and money - while doing very little to help anyone take care of anyone on our side of the family. I was happy to do the major share of 'caretaking' but they came to rely on that way too much in my estimation - only really showing up to collect the spoils when it came to my parents and sister. At the time, their attitude and behaviour really, really hurt - and if I am honest, I felt a lot of it was intended to demean me.

It took me a fair bit of time to just come to terms with the fact that I really never knew them at all. And the fact that, had I to choose them as friends, I probably never would. However, I am sure he did grieve - just very differently than I did .. so I forgave him .. for myself as much as for him. We have little contact now but I am at peace about all that for the most part. They have the right to live their lives as they see fit - and I have the same right. The stuff is just 'stuff' ... I have memories ... and that is the only thing that really matters in the long run.

I agree with jp03 - take a deep breath, have a glass of wine, toast your father, and remember something good about him. Try to smile a bit even through your tears - but don't be angry with yourself if you can't do that well for quite a while. Don't try to understand your sister - that helps neither of you. That said though .. I know how tough it is. In a few years when you look back on this time, I expect you may regret too much time and energy wasted on being upset with your sister, even if she is a cad. Hang in there. This is all very fresh and difficult. Look after yourself! <HUG>
I will probably come to that realization. Things always look good in hindsight...sips of wine, heavy on the Yoga as far as time and energy goes!
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Old 08-25-2016, 02:02 PM
Location: PA
839 posts, read 957,758 times
Reputation: 1753
Originally Posted by G Grasshopper View Post
There are lots of churches out there that are not evangelical. You don't have to try anything fundamentalist, just churches who emphasize spiritual health, support and emotional development within the belief structure. It probably depends on where you are, but many Methodist churches are very open minded, or try Unitarian or Unity Church. I'm sure there are others that I'm not thinking of.
Those are great suggestions! Someone just recommended Presbyterian to me, and I used to go to a Presbyterian church years ago. We ended up moving to a new area, but there wasn't anything too "scary"
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